Ok, since I was posting it on the other Confidenceville, I figured I should post it here too. I'm not, however, going to transfer all the chapters here. I'm going to post here from now on, but the previous chapters (1-18) are avaliable in this link.

On to the story!

I'd also like to thank Kayla (SweetRapture71) for the wonderful beta-reading. you're awesome, sweetie!

Chapter 19

Kate almost fell on her back, hearing the words that the woman in front of her had just said. Feeling like she was in some kind of movie, some sort of twisted fantasy, she almost didn’t react to the surprise that was taking over her mind. It was almost as if those words weren’t real, as if Kate was perfectly sure she wasn’t actually there, that it was a dream. It was one of those dream-realization moments: that second where something happens, something so uncanny and unexpected that you are sure that you’re dreaming. It can’t be real.

“I’m sorry... what?” Kate mumbled, with a smile appearing on her face. She was about to start laughing when her eyes crossed with Sawyer’s, and the seriousness in his expression made her place her feet on earth again. He wasn’t laughing. He wasn’t even smiling. His expression was one of worryness, mixed with a coldness that made Kate shiver. He was worried about her, but not enough to prevent her from smashing against this new information.

Ana Lucia, on the other hand, had a strange expression, that didn’t match at all the idea of toughness and independence that Kate had of her. It was a mix of shame and glory, as if she was truly embarrassed of being Jack’s lover, and at the same time, terribly proud of that affair. No, not affair. Of that passion. Kate identified that look as one of defiance, the look she was used to see in herself when she was younger. An overwhelming wave of compassion came over her when she realized Ana’s feelings for Jack weren’t only lustful, and made her forget about what she had just heard, making her want to put her hand over Ana’s and show her that she understood.

All these thoughts were coming back to Kate’s mind at the speed of light, and she wasn’t sure she could take some kind of conclusion out of them. She could see some images, like a film reel, passing by right in front of her eyes: the night of the party, when she had seen Jack with another woman; she saw now that it was her, it was that Ana Lucia girl, standing right in front of her. The image of Jack’s stained shirt came to her mind as well, accompanied by small parts of her life, of Jack’s sadness in the last few months, of the accident.

Ana was in the accident with Jack. It didn’t make sense, she would have known. Christian would have told her, wouldn’t he? Unless, of course, he wanted to protect her, to protect her marriage. Who was she kidding? He wanted to protect Jack, not her. It was Jack’s reputation that was at stake, not hers. Her reputation was absolutely secondary.

Still, Kate was looking at Ana in a friendly way. She realized, slowly, that she couldn’t bring herself to hate a woman that loved someone that much. She had to like her, because she was starting to understand her.

“You heard her. She’s...” Ana Lucia interrupted Sawyer to say it herself, as if she was afraid he’d spoil what they had just by saying it.

“I’m the one your husband’s having the affair with. I’m his lover.” She said, looking away as she pronounced the word ‘lover’.

Kate was stunned. She had no idea of what to say, or how to react. For a moment, she fought the urge to run, to start running down the street and never set foot on that place again.

“I’m sorry, I’m... not very sure of what I should say...” Kate said simply, barely capable of holding a smile. It was surreal. Sawyer stepped between them and put his hands on Kate’s arms, his face still serious, while he tried to make her focus.

“Why don’t you two go to the park and talk for a while? I’m sure there’s some stuff Ana could tell you...” he said these words softly, trying to use his charm to convince her, but Kate cut him off, finally regaining her usual confidence.

“Like what?” Kate could feel herself scarily close to a serious burst. She was about to either break down or explode in their faces, showing more than she wanted about herself. “Like why she decided to have an affair with my husband? Or what did I do wrong?” Taking a deep breath, Kate looked down at her hands and then back at Sawyer’s eyes, feeling calmer.

She didn’t really understand the way she was reacting to meeting her supposed nemesis. She should be out of control, right? Hysterical, insane, sick. But she wasn’t. Meeting that woman, the woman she had seen Jack with on that party – she was now realizing – was sort of liberating. It was almost a free pass, the ultimate reason she would use to get rid of Jack and turn to Sawyer.

Despite that, she couldn’t avoid thinking about the reason Sawyer had done this. It couldn’t be simply for her good, for her knowledge. He had to get something out of it, she was sure of that. She knew he was manipulative, and she loved it. She wouldn’t have to pretend with him, they could manipulate each other to exhaustion and then, maybe, they’d get tired of it. Manipulation didn’t usually scare her, but it did now, because she couldn’t see the point in it. What did Sawyer have to win with that strange encounter? What could he possibly want with it?

“He’s right. We should talk.” Ana said this coldly, making Kate realize that she wasn’t usually as fragile as Kate had seen her a couple of moments before. She was really a tough, brave woman, one to let herself break down very few times. Ana was clearly a go-getter, determined and smart. A perfect cop, Kate thought with a shiver.

“Okay.” Kate managed to say, in a low, slightly scared voice. What if she was still in the force? What if Sawyer was a bounty hunter instead of a conman? It could happen, he could use his charm to make her fall in love with him and then lead her to the FBI, just for the money. He would certainly be capable of that. And she would certainly fall for that.

“Can I talk to you, just for a second?” Sawyer pushed Kate aside and her back hit the wall that separated the garden from the street. She was trapped inside his arms and for the first time, she wasn’t comfortable with that.

“What do you want?” she asked coldly, making both of them shiver.

“Talk to her, Freckles. She might be able to help you get rid of that husband of yours.” Kate smiled ironically.

“I’m sure that’s all you want, right? Come on, admit it, you’re having fun with it.” Sawyer looked away.

“You think I’m doin’ this for fun? Unbelievable!” Stepping back and leaving Kate free to escape, Sawyer turned around and placed his hands on his hips, a typical sign that he was angry. Kate was almost sorry for talking to him like that, but then again, he wasn’t sorry for putting her in that position. He wasn’t sorry for her feelings, for the fear that was invading her like a headache, coming from the small of her back to the back of her neck, making her arms and legs freeze and her stomach drop to her feet.

“Why else? Tell me, Sawyer, because from where I see it, I can only imagine you doing this for two reasons: you’re either trying to con me, or you’re a bounty hunter wanting to put me in jail.” Kate said all this in just one breath, her face red with anger and her eyes filled with tears “Which one is it, Sawyer? What’s your endgame?”

“I’m not conning you, Kate. And I’m not trying to give you in either.” He said, simply, looking at her. Realizing she was being paranoid, Kate felt more ashamed than she had ever felt. However, she decided not to apologize. She was too mad at him for forcing her to face her demons and ghosts, for making her want to ask Ana Lucia if she had any idea of why he’d done it, what was she doing wrong to make Jack need to find another woman.

“It becomes a little hard to believe, you know?” she stated, shrugging. “I don’t know how far I can let myself go with you, Sawyer.” She looked up at his eyes, feeling herself shaking. “It’s just... every time I feel like this can work, like we’re really good together, something happens. And you always seem to have fun with it.” Kate walked past Sawyer, leaving him behind her, until she reached Ana Lucia.

Sawyer stood there, watching as both women moved into the park, and sighed, turning his back on them and making his way back to his car.

Kate and Ana Lucia were sitting in a bench, both of them looking forward, too embarrassed to start talking. Kate could feel the spacey form that Ana assumed, with her masculine pose, that made her feel slightly more comfortable. Kate decided to start herself the conversation, asking the question that had been burning her tongue ever since she had found out about Jack’s affair.

“How did it start?”

Ana smiled a little at the question, but just a very tiny bit. It wasn’t in herself to smile a lot; she had known it ever since she was a little girl. She was a naturally serious child, a slightly violent tomboy that always got in trouble at school. Her life didn’t exactly contribute to make her smile a lot, either. She had graduated and entered the force to make her mother happy, but the issues were still there. She still had authority problems; she was constantly provocating her mother and getting punished for that. She still wanted to be as good as her mother was, without realizing she was probably better. And the rest was history.

“It started... almost a year ago, I got shot.” Kate tried to cut Ana off, but she didn’t allow it. “Don’t. Let me tell it all, and then you say... whatever you wanna say.”

Kate nodded and Ana took a deep breath, preparing to disclose more of her life that she had ever thought she would.

“As I said... almost a year ago, I took a bullet in my stomach. Jack was the one who saved my life, but he wasn’t able to save the... baby I was carrying. I was pregnant. Little after Jack took care of me, my boyfriend broke up with me.” Ana was telling this in a detached way, as if she wasn’t telling her own story, but the story of somebody else that she hadn’t even met. “I had a check up that day, and Jack saw I was down, so he asked me if I wanted to have a coffee. We went out for a coffee and talked for a while. He did most of the talking. He talked about you. About your daughter, about your life. He made me jealous as hell.” She smiled a little and, once again, Kate had the feeling she was smiling more that day than she had most of her life. “Yeah. He was very proud of his family.”

“I didn’t think so.” Kate admitted, looking down at her hands. Ana didn’t contradict her, but continued her story.

“Jack and I started to meet each other more often, and we got closer and closer. And then it happened. About six months ago. We had lunch together and ended up in my bed.” Ana said this with a finishing tone. The story was over, but Kate wasn’t satisfied.

“Six months, huh? I guess I’m blinder than I thought.” Kate said with a sad smile. no matter how hard she tried to remember, there wasn’t anything that could have revealed Jack’s involvement with Ana. He was good at hiding evidence. But it didn’t matter, then. Jack was a dead subject, she was more interested in another person’s knowledge “Did Sawyer know about this all along?”

“No, he found out yesterday. He was telling me about you and I realized he was talking about Jack’s wife, and told him.” Ana sighed and Kate pressed her back against the bench, feeling the cold metal through her shirt “I don’t want you to tell him.”

“Tell him what?” Kate asked. Ana stared at her coldly, almost threateningly.

“That you met me.” She paused and then added, a second later. “I’m serious.”

“Why would I do it?” Kate managed to ask this, while shivering. The look Ana Lucia had given her was not the same as before. It wasn’t the look of a passionate woman, nor the look of a tomboy. It was the look of a cop. And for Kate, there wasn’t anything more frightening.

“I don’t know. You could. But don’t.” Ana stood silent for a moment, as if she was hesitant about asking something. “Are you gonna leave him? Jack?”

Kate wasn’t surprised by the question, she had been expecting it.

“I want to.”

“But are you going to?” Ana asked again. “’Cause I can help you.”

“How’s that?”

“I want him. I want Jack to myself, I don’t wanna share him.” Kate looked at Ana when she said that, surprised. It was amazing to see how a cold woman like Ana could metamorphose into a desperate lover, as she was appearing to Kate in that moment. She was shinning, glimmering with the warm light of July in her face, while she admitted she wanted a man just to herself. It wasn’t just the realization of their romance, it was also the realization of how much Ana wanted Jack, how jealous she was of the life he had with Kate and how in love with him she was. Because she was in love with him, there was no way to deny it.

“How can you help me?” Kate asked, her voice caught in her throat with the emotion. Ana’s eyes were wet, but she didn’t let the tears down. She cleared her throat and sunk her hands inside her pockets, the same gesture Sawyer had had the day before.

“I can convince him to let you take your child, so you won’t have to fight for her in court. Sawyer told me it was what was holding you back. I can make him give the girl up.” Kate didn’t believe her ears for a moment, so she didn’t say anything.

“What? You think you can make him give up our daughter?” Ana nodded, and Kate smiled.

“No, you can’t. I wish you could, but you can’t, he’s too stubborn.”

“Not with me.” Ana paused, as if she was afraid to say what was next. “He’s in love with me too, you know?”

Kate smiled and recalled that night, at the party, when she had seen the two of them together. The raw chemistry that she had felt between them, the way he held her against the wall when he was having his way with her. Of course he was in love with her, she had known it since that night.

“Yeah, I do.” Kate sighed and smiled a little, a sad smile directed at her hands, crossed and sitting on her lap. “I saw you two having sex, the night of the party at the Cohens.” Ana blushed a little, unexpectedly, but didn’t retreat. She regained her composure, as if proud of the fact that Kate had seen them together. “I was so jealous of you two. You have something Jack and I can never have: chemistry. The kind of chemistry I have with Sawyer, you have it with Jack, that rough way to see him, to touch him. I realized that when I saw the two of you having sex that day. The way he held you, the way he was moving. He never moved that way with me. “ Kate smiled a little and blushed herself, looking away in order to hide her face.

“It’s always been like that, since the first time.” Ana said, now smiling widely, like a girl. Kate couldn’t be more surprised. “The need, the heat. It’s always like that. it’s like... We need to be together, close, touching.”

“I know the feeling.” Kate admitted, smiling as widely as Ana.

“Sawyer?”

“Yeah. It’s like... we can’t help touching each other. It’s... natural.”

“I know.” Ana said, simply. In that precise moment, Kate felt more connected with Ana than she had ever felt with Shannon or Claire. She knew what it was like, needing someone to the point when it hurts. She didn’t think she was a freak for aching for Sawyer’s touch, because she felt it too. She understood Kate and Kate understood her.

Kate got out of the park alone, almost an hour after Ana Lucia. She wanted to be alone for a while, think about the repercussions of what Ana had just told her. Of how Ana could help her.

She was also thinking of how Ana had changed her opinion on Jack, just in that small talk they had. Kate had a feeling that she wouldn’t be able to hate him anymore, now that she knew that side of him, the Jack only Ana Lucia knew. The passionate, rough Jack she had never gotten around to meet. And slowly, very slowly, a realization downed on her: when Jack had had the accident, she had prayed for him to get better, for him to heal. She was now realizing that the reason she had done it wasn’t just because she wanted to leave him. There was something more, something deeper, that didn’t allow her to let go of her husband.

Jack was her husband, and Kate had built her life in the past five years, counting on him. And even though that life was now falling apart, there was still a thin thread, a fragile liaison that still connected the two of them, if not for Ella, for the life they had shared. She didn’t want to be a widow, and she wasn’t sure if this repulse was due to her inability to let go of the dead people in her life, or the fact that she didn’t want to be seen as a young, fragile widow, those who need help and support. The image of herself, standing beside a grave in a black dress scared her to her deepest core, and her fear wasn’t something she could deal with easily.

Thinking of the accident, Christian and his protective attitude came to her mind. She now understood, with a smile spreading on her face, why he had wanted her to wait for Jack in the room, why he had wanted to keep her safe. He was, certainly, afraid that she would see Ana Lucia passing by in a gurney and put two and two together, realizing her husband was not alone in the crash. Kate was still trying to comprehend, however, if Christian had wanted to protect her or himself, his and his son’s reputations.

In spite of all this, Kate was hopeful, which was practically a new feeling for her. She thought that with Ana’s help, Jack could actually give up the girl and that she could get away with her, leave Boston and go somewhere else. Maybe the south; she had always wanted to live in those southern states, Alabama, Georgia, Tennessee. Sawyer was from Tennessee, he had told her that. Most of all, it was the feeling of a possible new life that came upon her. With Jack out of her way, she could do whatever she wanted to, go wherever she wanted to. She could start over, rewrite her life away from Boston, with Ella and Sawyer and…

Sawyer. That thought made her shiver, and opened a tiny smile on her face. She was planning her life with him, which was a scary thought, since she wasn’t even sure of what he was, or how he was. He could be conning her, getting ready to give her in or even just wanting to sleep with her and then leave. But still, she couldn’t conceive her life without him, even if all she could have was a bunch of sporadic encounters filled with unsatisfied sexual innuendos. He was the one who made her change, so he had to be a part of her new life. he wouldn’t be just a part of the recovering process, he was a part of the result.

Still, this thought scared her. She didn’t want to get involved; she didn’t want to give in. For all she knew, she couldn’t exactly trust him, so it was a scary perspective, having him be a part of her life, of her real life.

And then, at the bottom of the issue, was Ana Lucia. Kate had the perspective of a new friendship, and if not friendship, an alliance, in order to accomplish something, that gave her that feeling of hope, of renewal. She could finally believe everything was going to be okay, or at least leave the compass she was in, the limbo that wasn’t either a divorce or a marriage. Ana had the power to change everything, to turn Jack’s head around and make everything easier.

Walking slowly out of the park, her hands sunk in her pockets and her hair waving freely with the eastern wind, Kate didn’t notice Sawyer’s presence until he was right beside her, almost breathing on her neck.

“Hey there, Freckles.” He said huskily, his mouth touching her ear slightly. She pulled away from him quickly, trying to put some much needed distance between them.

“Leave me alone.” She mumbled, trying to walk away. She had a defensive pose on, like she was trying to run away.

Sawyer looked at her eyes, and for the first time, he saw her really scared. He compared her, in that moment, to a caged animal: not quite sure of what had happened, but still not ready to make a definitive move. Her eyes were fleeing from one place to another, as if she was trying to look for an exit, somewhere safe, where she could run to. He saw she was scared, in the real meaning of the word, and it wasn’t something he could avoid. That fear would always be there, because it was a part of her, it was something he would have to live with. But right in that moment, it was scaring him too. More, it was slightly offensive.

“Why would I leave?” he asked bitterly, taking a step forward. He couldn’t be away from her, he didn’t want to. He had the distinct feeling that perhaps he could heal her, make that fear disappear, and at the same time, he knew he couldn’t, it wasn’t up to him.

Kate looked at Sawyer and saw his face rigid with pain, the pain that he wouldn’t admit to himself that he was feeling.

“Because I want you to.” She said, trying to turn her back on him. Sawyer saw this as an attempt of escape, and in a second, he jumped to her and grabbed her arm, their bodies colliding and their faces so close they were almost touching. Sawyer could feel her jagged breath on his face, the mint-y scent of her mouth.

“Oh yeah? And why’s that?” Kate answered this question with a steel look, their eyes crossed and their hopes up.

“Because I don’t trust you.” She looked away before she continued, breaking their connection. “Because I can’t trust you.” She paused again, taking a deep, shaken breath. “Because I’m scared.”

“Oh really? And what’ya scared of, sweetheart? Ya scared of me? Ya scared of the big bad wolf? Or are you scared of that husband of yours?” starting to get irritated at an unresponsive Kate, Sawyer’s voice got lower, his accent thicker than ever. He was almost spitting out the words, trying to hurt her as much as she was hurting him in that moment. “Wanna know what I think? I think you’re scared of leaving that pretty life you’ve been leading, that cosy home of yours in the suburbs, and come live in the real world with me. Yeah, Freckles, you’re scared of losing the comfort you’ve been putting together, but guess what? You might just have to.”

“Let go of me.” She hissed, trying to free herself from Sawyer’s strong grip. Ignoring her words, he kept going.

“You’re not scared of me; you’re not scared of him! You’re scared of yourself, you’re scared of what you become when you’re with me, when you let go of that sht you hold on to when you’re playing house with the doc.” They were so close that if one of them made a move, they would touch.

It was certainly an interesting picture for someone who was passing by: his gripping hand was hidden, so their closeness could easily be mistaken for plain and loving intimacy, like in a Doisneau picture, the couple leaning into each other.

“Let go of me.” She pleaded once more, and her eyes crossed with his one more time. This time, though, she held his gaze.

“And what now? You wanna know the truth? I’ll tell you the truth, Kate. Yes, I was supposed to be conning you. Our first meeting wasn’t an accident, I was meant to meet you and make you fall in love with me. And guess what? I did!” With these words, he let go of her arm, and she slowly pulled away, not really trusting her legs.

She was stunned for the second time that day. She couldn’t believe what she was hearing, even though she was prepared for that, and she had been telling herself that it was a possibility for weeks. Still, it was unexpected, uncanny and most of all, completely heartbreaking. So it was true. He was conning her after all.

“I guess I just didn’t expect to fall for you either.”

Second bang, this one even stronger, if possible. He had fallen for her. Damn, it wasn’t supposed to happen, he was supposed to con her and then become some sort of a bad guy, an ugly traitor with no possibility of redemption. But no, he had to make it all difficult, right?

“You were conning me.” it was all she could say.

“Well, not anymore.”

“How could you?” she mumbled, taking a step back. She didn’t want to be anywhere near him.

“I didn’t, Kate.” He took a step forward, getting closer to her, but she took another step back. “I stopped it. I didn’t wanna con you.”

“I don’t care. You were lying all this time…” her eyes were filled with tears, not out of sadness, but out of something else, rage and despair, all together, making her world fall apart. Tom had betrayed her. Jack had betrayed her. Sawyer had betrayed her. It would never stop.

“Don’t act like you’re a saint either, girly. I don’t exactly have murder on my record.” He spit this out, and Kate felt her legs go limp. Placing a hand on a wooden bench for balance, she tried to focus her eyes, unsuccessfully. “Yeah, Ana Lucia was a cop, remember? But don’t worry, sweet cheeks. She won’t tell anybody. Her record isn’t exactly clean either.”

“Don’t.” She mumbled. “Don’t you dare.”

Kate looked at Sawyer one more time and started running in the opposite direction, all the way to her car, her feet barely touching the floor beneath them.

:) Nice! So, I can read it here too. :)

I already review this chapter on fan fiction - as always.

Continue the great work! I love this story. Definately one of my favourites, if not my favourite.

WHOA! I can't believe I forgot to publish my last 3 chapters here! so, I'm going to do it now!!!

Chapter 20

It had been a week. A week since her world had fallen apart, a week since Sawyer had told her that he was conning her, confirming her deepest fears, betraying her trust in a way that she wasn’t sure she could forgive. A week since he had told her that he knew. A week since she had ran away from him, a week since the last time she had heard his voice or said his name out loud.

Truth was, she could hardly remember what had happened that week. It was almost as if she was in a limbo, foggy air surrounding her and a feeling that none of that was real were the only things she could get from her memory. Jack had taken Ella with him on a trip to Margo’s house in Richmond, Virginia, and Kate had been left alone the day after the incident. With that, she didn’t exactly had a schedule to follow.

That dreadful afternoon, Kate had picked up Ella from kindergarten and the girl had noticed something was wrong. Kate wasn’t crying, she hadn’t cried yet, so she was surprised with the girl’s ability to read into her thoughts, her mind. But now that she looked back on it, recalling her shaking hands and her terrified look, it was normal for her daughter to notice something was off.

Kate had driven home as fast as she could, avoiding the increasing traffic and a couple of red lights. Giving Ella a bath, and getting the girl to eat some dinner before Jack arrived, Kate put her baby to sleep much earlier than usual, and much against the girl’s will. Ella had cried and made a scene, but Kate hadn’t succumbed to the girl’s pleads. She had to put the girl to bed, she couldn’t allow herself to break down in front of her. So, as soon as Ella fell asleep, and knowing Jack wouldn’t be home before ten, Kate got herself a big glass of vodka and headed over to the bathroom, in order to prepare a bath.

She did it with a calm that surprised her frantic self. Opened up the water, let it run and fill the tub. Put in the ointments she needed to relax. Got out of her clothes, slowly, avoiding the mirror with her eyes, afraid she could want to hurt herself if she saw the flesh she was made of. It was still too blurry, too confusing. She had no idea of what to do next, so she sat on the floor, just beside the tub, her naked thighs hitting the cold floor and making her shiver. Sinking her hand in the water, she found it too hot, unbearably hot. Still, she didn’t move. It was hurting her, it was burning her flesh and skin, but she was feeling more alive in those moments than she had felt since he had said the words.

Kate’s face constricted as she thought of the exact words. I was conning you. It was too much, it was irreversible. He was conning her. Even if he wasn’t anymore, he had been. It was a lie. They were a lie.

She didn’t realize she wasn’t breathing until she felt herself shake. Her face was now rigid, stuck in a sob that was to big to come out. It was all too big, all to new for her. She had gotten used to him, to his humor, to his attention. She had gotten used to herself with him, even though it scared her at first, because it was a bit too much of herself, of her old persona. The sob was too big to come out and she kept shaking, her hand still burning beneath the almost boiling water of the tub, and her thighs absorbing the coldness from the marble ground.

Kate relaxed when she heard a muffled sigh coming out of her own mouth, and allowed herself to cry. The tears kept running down her face and sadly enough, she didn’t want them to stop running. They were strangely liberating, with all that mess. It was almost as if she could get rid of him, of his memory, of his hands, of his smile and his dimples, just by watering him out of her system. And even though she knew it was a false hope, that it wouldn’ be that easy, she didn’t feel like stopping. In between sobs, she managed to take a few gulps of the fiery drink she had wisely placed beside her on the floor. The vodka shook her up and made her feel alive again, but she couldn’t decide whether it was dragging her out of the emotional comatose state she was in, or if was making her drown even deeper in her despair.

For a moment, Kate wondered why she hadn’t felt that way when she realized Jack had betrayed her. It was worse, wasn’t it? Jack had put a five-year marriage to waste because of another woman, Jack had destroyed what they had built together, and still, she hadn’t found herself in that kind of despair when she realized she was being betrayed. Of course, the answer to her own question came back to her and hit her like a punch on the stomach. She wasn’t in love with Jack anymore, when she found out about his affair with Ana. She wasn’t attached to him in any other way than legal. She didn’t want him back, she didn’t want to be with him. She wanted to leave him, there was no more ‘Jack and Susan’. It was over before she had found about his betrayal.

With a deeper sob, and a soft cry, Kate revived in her mind the exact moment it was over: it was inside that restaurant bathroom, where she had met Sawyer for the second time. It was the realization that he could understand her more, in just two meetings, that Jack could have in a life time. It was the realization, with that name joke, that they were equals, they were both pretending to be something they were not.

Sadly enough, that memory had a bitter taste in the light of the recent discoveries. Kate tried to wander through the other memories she had from the times with him: the first coffee in Starbucks, the vanilla latte and the tulips; the days at the Cape. They seemed to be corrupted, all of them. It was a lie, a con, a strategy to get to Jack’s money, and that was what hurt her even more: she wasn’t the primary object, it was Jack. Jack was Sawyer’s mark, not her. She was just a pawn, caught up in an emotional chess game that was meant to involve her husband and the man she was in love with.

Taking another sip from the glass, Kate thought about that word, while the tears stopped for a while. Pawn. It was the worst thing she could be, and she couldn’t just sit and watch, could she? Well, she had no other choice. Apparently, the con was already off, and she didn’t have to do anything about it. But still, it was no less than humiliating. She had been a vehicle, a means to an end at some point on this story, and that was more humiliating than anything she could have ever gone through.

Almost an hour later, Kate was still in the same position as before, her chin placed on the side of the tub, her legs on the ground and the empty glass of vodka in her hand. The tears were back on her face, but this time, she was calm, almost as if drugged. In fact, she was half drunk, but that was a mere accident. The truth was she was torn apart, her mind shed to pieces and her heart broken. She smiled a bit at the corniness of this image, and figured she wouldn’t have that thought cross her mind if she wasn’t drunk.

She was exhausted. She had been crying for over an hour, her head was pounding with a gigantic headache and her arms and legs were limp, not exactly obeying her. Making one last effort, in order to avoid a bigger mess in that night, Kate got up from the floor, emptied the tub and poured some cold water over her burnt arm. It wasn’t as bad as she thought it would be, but it was still red and stinging a little. Putting on her shorts and a tank top she was using to sleep in, Kate got down the stairs and went to the kitchen, leaving Jack a small note. "I have a gigantic headache. Gonna take a pill and go to sleep. You have dinner in the refrigerator."

It was all. Leaving the note on the kitchen counter, Kate slowly went up the stairs and crashed on her bed before even pulling back the sheets.

The days that had followed the infamous afternoon were still somewhat of a blur to Kate. She could remember having a headache when she put Ella in the car with Jack (much against the girl’s will), and kissing the girl goodbye in the spot between her eyes. Ella had clung to her hand until the car started moving and Kate felt even sadder when she say the SUV turning the corner that led them to the outside world.

The four days after that moment were a blur. Kate couldn’t sleep, so she wandered around the house, wearing a robe on top of her pajamas, sitting in the kitchen chairs and staring at nowhere. She didn’t eat, she couldn’t bring herself to. She would drink water, glasses and glasses, one after the other, when she was sitting in the dark. She would drink vodka, her new favourite company. It made her forget about the betrayal and recall the sweet taste of alcohol she was always able to find in Sawyer’s mouth. And if, by any chance, it managed to make her sadder, all she did was stare a bit more into the emptiness of her white walls and cry a little more. Because that was something she could do. She could cry.

He tried to call her, once, twice. She had never picked up the calls, and he hadn’t left any messages, so she didn’t have his voice to cling to. It was almost as if he was dead. She wanted to absorb each and any piece of him that could have survived around her, but it was still too sad for her to bear.

On the third day, she thought about calling Shannon. She was her best friend, after all. But Kate was also sure she would say the inevitable ‘I told you so’ that she was dreading to hear. It was quite obvious, of course it would be her reaction.

On the fourth day, Kate wasn’t feeling anything. She had the feeling she had been drunk for days, and wasn’t she? Better, wasn’t it what he would have done? Gotten drunk? Her third night without sleep had made her dizzy and foggy, and all she could remember was seeing the faint light of the sunset invading her eyes and then, it was blackness.

---------------------------------

Kate woke up on the fifth afternoon, in her own bed, from a healing sleep. She was in her own bed, but strangely enough, she didn’t recall falling asleep there. Truth be told, she didn’t recall falling asleep anywhere, all she could remember was the blurry sunset that seemed to have happened ages before.
Her head was pounding with a disgraceful headache, and as she slowly opened her eyes for the second time, the feeling of two arms carrying her upstairs came to her mind. She had been carried to the bedroom, but by whom?

Slowly raising herself from the bed, all her weight placed in her arms, she managed to get up and walk all the way to the kitchen, where she found no one. When she listened more carefully, though, she heard the television, and the thought that maybe Shannon had taken care of her came up to her mind, making her heart warm. Walking to the small room that completed the kitchen, and where the television was set, Kate almost fell back with surprise. Ana Lucia was sitting on her couch, eating Doritos and watching some sleazy talk show.

"Oh." Kate said quietly, and Ana turned her eyes from the tv set to Kate, startled. Swallowing the Doritos she had in her mouth, she got up on her bare feet and looked at the woman she had in front of her. Kate was a total mess, her hair dirty, her clothes even dirtier and her face swollen from all the crying.

"You’re awake." Ana stated, looking away from Kate, her usual tomboy impersonation back in full force. She wasn’t smiling, not even a bit.

"So it seems." Kate turned around and opened the fridge, taking out the milk and smelling it, realizing it was spoiled. With a shrug, she poured the liquid down the drain and placed the bottle in the corner. Ana was still in the same place, her pointy look directed at the garden and her usual ‘hand on hip’ pose. "I’m sorry but... did you..." Kate pointed to the stairs, and Ana nodded.

"You were practically in a coma. I had to drag you. And drunk, too." A hint of a smile played on Ana’s lips, but she turned away from Kate before she could see anything.

"Yeah, but how..."

"Sawyer called me, he was worried." Ana had now turned her back on Kate, and was looking at the garden, through the glass doors. Still, Kate could feel a trace of tenderness in Ana’s voice when she talked about Sawyer. She did like him, but not as a lover. Kate was sure of that because of the way she loved Jack.

"Worried?" Kate said, smiling ironically. Ana looked over her shoulder, and her eyes hit Kate’s.

"Yeah, worried. As in scared that you could have done... something. To yourself." Ana paused and sighed. "You know what I mean." She sighed a second time, an exhausted sigh that was about to pair Kate’s.

"Worried." Kate said, simply. It wasn’t a question. It was more of a calm statement. A realization.

"He called me and asked me if I knew if you and Jack were out of town. I said I knew you had stayed, and he’d taken the girl to Virginia. And then he asked me to come check up on you." Ana smiled, a small and sly smile that was nothing but pure fun. "And here you were. Passed out, drunk."

"Yeah. How did you open the door, again?" Ana’s smile disappeared with Kate’s question.

"I was a cop, once. They teach us how to do that kind of stuff." Kate turned around, comforted by that presence in her house. Putting her hair up in a loose bun, Kate took some cheese out of the refrigerator and ate it quickly. Ana picked up her Doritos from the couch and sat on one of the table chairs, eating the snacks quietly, as if giving Kate some time to adjust and then come meet her.

Ana wasn’t talkative, but Sawyer had begged her to get something from Kate, some kind of clue that would make him hope for her to return. Kate was aware of this possibility, but still, walked all the way to the table and sat down on one of the chairs, in front of Ana. They weren’t looking at each other: instead, they were facing the table, a strange tension building up between the two of them. Kate was the wife, Ana was the lover. Ana was the friend, Kate was the love interest. They were both implied in each other’s lives in such a level, that it had became awkward to sit like that, in the Shephard’s kitchen.

"So, what do you wanna know?" Ana asked softly. Kate looked up at her and knew, by her expression, that she wouldn’t dare to lie. She was there with her to make things right, to clean up their mess. The mess Sawyer and Kate had done, together.
"How is he?" it was all Kate could bring herself to ask. Ana looked up at her, surprised. It wasn’t quite the question she was expecting Kate to ask, which made her smile a little.

"How do you think?" Kate looked down at her hands and Ana studied her face for a second. Of course she knew how he was, she just wanted a confirmation that he was feeling as terrible as she was. Still, and deep down, she could see something bigger, sort of a fear, coming out of Kate’s hands, of her right hand, slowly embracing the mug of tea Ana had made. Yes, it was fear. A primal and irrational fear that Sawyer would be, somehow, laughing at her, mocking her. That he was, in some twisted way, having fun with the whole situation. Ana could read into people very well, it was one of her gifts, and the talent was revealing itself very helpful when it came to cons and such. She always had the upper hand on every play. "I dragged him to his house, drunk, two nights in a row."

Kate sighed and looked away, covering her mouth with her hand distractedly. Ana looked up to see her reaction and continued. "He was in panic when you didn’t answer his calls, he thought you could have killed yourself."

"Quite presumptuous of him." Kate breathed, with a smile.

"Listen... Susan..." Ana smiled, a little embarrassed. "I’m not sure of what to call you."

"Call me Kate." She said, simply. It was nothing big. Ana knew who she was, so there was no point in having her call her Susan anymore.

"Kate." She said, calmly. "He’s turned into a piece of crap. Seriously, I’ve never seen him like that and I’ve known him for a couple of years."

As Kate looked up, Ana realized she wouldn’t say anything.

"Kate, you gotta do something about. What you’re doing is pure cruelty. You gotta talk to him." Ana said, simply. Kate looked up at her, a silent rage burning up inside. When she spoke, her voice was barely above a whisper.

"I’m being cruel? I’m not the one who conned him. I’m not the one who tried to make me fall in love with him for my husband’s money." She said, tears starting to fill her eyes as her headache reached a peak.

"You were the one who hid your true identity from him." Ana said, calmly.

"You think I know a lot about his past? I don’t I don’t know why he carries around that letter everywhere he goes. I don’t know anything about him!" she paused for a second, trying to regain the composure she was almost losing. "I didn’t lie to him."

"Well, then, I guess you’re right. He did all that. But you gotta give him credit for somethin’: he stopped it. He stopped everything as soon as he saw you weren’t just another notch in his belt." Ana said in a funny voice. It was almost as if the sentimentalism from that sentence didn’t suit her, as if she was surprised with the tone of her own voice when she had said it. "Hell, I told him he was crazy. I told him he couldn’t give up a con because he was falling for the girl, I told him he was being weak. And even though it must have hurt his pride like crazy, he called it off. He did it, without hesitating. That even got him in trouble with a guy he’s working with, the guy who found you."

Kate was hearing all this and feeling more and more ashamed. In all that selfish rage that had filled her since he’d told her, she had never thought about how it had been for him, what he had to do in order to stop the con. She wasn’t sorry that she hated him, she was sorry that she wasn’t selfless enough to think about his side of the deal, and what he had to do in order to call off his job.

Ana raised herself from the chair and walked over to the place where she had left her shoes, a pair of black combat boots. Putting them on, she looked over at Kate with a smile and picked her cell phone up from the counter.

"He loves you, Kate. And God knows how much I hate this hearing this word coming out of my mouth, but there’s no other way of saying it. He loves you." Kate looked at her own hands and smiled a little, her first real smile since the incident. Ana was getting ready to walk out of the door as Kate called her back.

"Yeah?" she asked, her face growing curious.

"Jack loves you. And God knows how corny I think this sounds, but there’s no other way of saying it."

Both women smiled, and Kate covered her smile with her hands as soon as she heard Ana closing the door.

----------------------

Three days had passed since Ana Lucia’s visit, and Kate still hadn’t called Sawyer.
After the conversation with Ana Lucia, Kate had realized she could forgive him. in fact, thinking back to the moment Ana had left her house, Kate realized she had already forgiven him before that conversation. It wasn’t in her heart to me bad at him for long, it was more than she could bear. But still, she hadn’t called him.

The reason for this was very simple: her pride. She didn’t want to be the one to give in, and she had the distinct feeling that Sawyer wouldn’t want to cave either, so it was more of a power play than anything else. And she was still mad at him. She was in the dark territory of the ‘forgiven, not forgotten’, and the perspective of seeing him had both an soothing and unnerving effect on her. She didn’t know whether she would kiss him to oblivion or punch him until she drew blood from his face.

Jack and Ella had just arrived with Margo from their week out, and were resting on the garden, while Kate made them dinner. When she had seen her mother, Ella had jumped to her arms and cried, making Kate worry about her. What had happened? Had Jack done anything with the girl? Suddenly, the dream she had when she was in the hospital with Jack came to her mind, and she shivered, holding the girl closer to her body.

They stood like that for a long time, Ella and Kate. They were sitting on the kitchen counter, and Ella was holding onto Kate like a sloth, with arms and legs, her face against Kate’s neck. Kate’s hands roamed over the girl’s back, drawing circles and squares of pure sweetness. They were supporting each other, right there. Without saying a word, Ella was comforting her mother for the horrible days she had had without her, and Kate was giving her baby that feeling of cosyness she had missed in the week she had spent away.

Sawyer didn’t look so bad, now that she was holding her daughter. Kate realized that a great part of her misery that week was related to Ella’s absence, which made her feelings towards Sawyer soften just a bit more.

Ella raised her head from her mother’s neck and looked at her in the eye, her little hand pushing the hair away from her face. Her eyes were green, just as Kate’s, and she saw no resemblance of Jack in them, which was comforting.

"Are you mad at John Smith?" the girl asked, almost like reading her mother’s thoughts. Kate looked at her, surprised, and kissed the girl in the spot between her eyes, as it was her habit.

"I’m not sure there is a John Smith anymore, honey." The girl put up an inquisitive face, and smiled a bit.

"Of course there is! I saw him outside, when we were coming home!" she said joyfully. Kate’s heart dropped to her feet as she realized the girl wsn’t kidding. Ella looked pleased, as if she had just given her mother a gift, and hopped down from Kate’s lap, holding her little hand for her mother to hold. "Come with me, I’ll show you!"

Ella dragged Kate to the door and pointed out at a vacant parking space two houses from theirs.

"She was there. He has a blue car." She said, jumping around, happily. She was more than glad to be her mother’s little clown.

Kate stared at the empty space and smiled a bit, holding Ella’s hand. He had been there, he was there, maybe trying to gain the courage to speak to her, maybe just there to see how she was. But he had come all the way down there, just for her. It was more than she had done for him, certainly.

Feeling a little bit warmer, Kate moved inside the house with Ella’s hand firmly pressed inside her own, and the feeling that in a while, all she would have was her daughter and her lover.

Kate had just put Ella to bed, singing her the usual song, when she heard Jack’s office door close. Jack was there with Margo, and as soon as she heard the key roll on the lock, she knew they were talking about her.

It was almost a physical feeling: the coldness in the pit of her stomach, the dark feeling that everything was about to change. She had only felt it once in her life, and it had been when she was breaking the gas container in her mother’s house, which led to Wayne’s dead. Kate stopped in the middle of the corridor, her hands cold and her eyes unable to leave the office door. Walking slowly towards that door, Kate stopped near it and placed her head just beside the door, being able to hear what was going on inside the cabinet. She could hear, by her voice, that Margo was mad about something, and Jack was trying to defend himself.

"How could you be so stupid? How could you?" the woman asked in a mad voice.
"Give me that!" Margo seemed to have taken something out of Jack’s hands, because Kate heard him taking a step probably forward, in order to get it back.

"You think she did it on purpose?" he asked his mother.

"What do you think?" Margo’s voice was cold. "Your lover’s ring shows up in the middle of your kitchen and you expect it to be an accident? Tell me something: is there any possibility that you might have brought it in your pockets, or something?"

"No, not at all." Jack said, calmly. Margo seemed to be thinking, and Kate’s body was getting rigid from being in the same position for such a long time.

"Then she was here. Susan must know you’re betraying her, I bet she’s gonna file for divorce right this week." Margo said, her voice still cold. Jack seemed to be undecided about what to think.

"Maybe it’s better this way, anyway." Kate heard a slap following Jack’s voice, and was surprised with the silence that followed it.

"Think twice. You’re not getting divorced, Jack. Have you got any idea of what that would do to your reputation?"

"You don’t get to hit me anymore, mom." He said calmly, and Kate thought she had to leave. They could come out at any time, and it would be her death to be caught.

Slowly walking down the stairs, Kate arrived at the kitchen and took a deep breath. The practical, fast thinking Kate that came up in emergencies was coming out of her, an she planned her next moves carefully, as if she was preparing a crime, where nothing could fail.

She had to call Shannon. It would hurt, but her friend had to come and get Ella, she had to take the girl. Kate was sure there was going to be a confrontation that night, and her daughter couldn’t be in the house for that. She didn’t want her to watch her parents fighting, as Kate had. Jack would have to take Margo to town, and she could take that time to get Ella out of the house. Then she would already be expecting him, ready for the confrontation.

Picking up the phone from the counter, she hit the numbers she knew by heart and waited for the call to be picked up. It took a while, but Shannon picked up the call after all.

"Hello." She probably hadn’t seen it was Kate, so her voice was dry and arrogant, as she used to be with strangers. Kate smiled. She missed Shannon’s voice, she missed her friend’s joyful being and her wonderful energy.

"Shann? It’s Susan... Kate." Shannon’s voice changed immediately, and Kate noticed her softening up.

"Hey! How are you, we haven’t spoke in ages!" Shannon saluted her as usual, but Kate didn’t have any time to be polite.

"Shann, I need your help." Almost as if she was snapping, Shannon’s voice became stronger and more serious.

"You need me to get Ella?" she asked quickly. Kate was terribly glad her friend could remember their conversation, as if that made them even.

"Yeah. This is gonna explode, I can feel it." She said in a low voice, knowing that Shannon would understand.

"Sh*t. Ok, I’m on my way there. I’ll bring your girl with me, don’t worry." Shannon said, and Kate was ready to hang up the phone when she heard her friend’s voice calling her.

"Yeah?"

"I miss you... Kate. I really do." Kate felt like crying, but she didn’t allow herself to.

"I miss you too, Shann." She hang up the phone and smiled, hearing Jack’s voice closer to her. He was walking down the stairs with his mother, his car keys in his hand.

"Susie, I’m gonna drop my mom at her house, ok?" Kate was surprised by the sudden sweetness in his voice, but smiled and nodded, waving at her mother-in-law.
"Bye Margo. Thanks for the company." She said in her loveliest voice. She thought with relief that she wouldn’t have to pretend for much longer. All she had to do was take care of things in the right way.

As soon as mother and son got out of the door, Kate climbed up the stairs up to Ella’s room. She packed her small bag with some clothes and the girl’s basic needs, and carried the bag with her downstairs, placing it in front of the door. Almost ten minutes had passed and Kate was starting to get restless. She felt herself grow an energy that wasn’t good for her, wasn’t good for her confrontation: it was the energy she had to run. And the urge to escape came with it, too. How easy would it be, to leave Ella upstairs and run all the way to Sawyer’s house, just let herself fall in his arms?

She wouldn’t do it. She couldn’t run, not this time. She had to get that issue resolved, she had to talk to Jack. She had to tell him her name was not Susan, she had to tell him she knew. She knew about Ana.

Almost half hour after the call, Kate heard a car parking outside her house, and looking through the kitchen window, she saw it was Shannon’s car. She ran to the door, and got there just in time to avoid Shannon’s ringing. Opening the door, she didn’t have time ti think before Shannon threw herself into her arms. Kate hugged her friend back, allowing herself to laugh and kiss Shannon’s cheek.

"See how much I missed you, you b*tch?" Shannon asked, her usual naughty smile. Kate laughed, while guiding her up the stairs.

"I missed you too, wh*re." She said, and they made an effort not to laugh out loud.
Kate was so scared that she was laughing. It was a nervous, frantic laugh, almost apocalyptic. Walking into Ella’s room, Kate picked up the sleeping figure of the girl and pulled her close to her own body. For all she knew, it could be the last time she held her daughter like that.

Shannon got downstairs quickly and took the girl’s bag with her to the car. Opening the door to Kate’s car, she moved the girl’s chair to her own vehicle, helping Kate place the girl on the chair. Ella opened her eyes slowly, staring at Kate and Shannon, and then pouting.

"Mommy? What’s going on?" she asked, her little voice threatening to break down in sobs.

"Nothing baby, nothing! You’re going to sleep at Aunt Shannon’s tonight, because mommy and daddy have to talk. I’ll go get you tomorrow, ok?" the girl nodded and caressed Kate’s face with her hand.

"I love you, mommy." She said, before closing her eyes and going back to sleep.

"I love you too, Ella."

Shannon got in the car and fastened the seat belt. She looked up at Kate with a smile.

"Don’t worry about her, sweetie. She’ll be ok. I won’t let Jack anywhere near her." She said softly, placing her hand over Kate’s. She was nervous, Kate could tell; she was afraid for her. Kate placed her other hand over Shannon’s and smiled.

"I’ll be ok." She assured, in the strongest voice she could find. "Now go. Jack can’t see you here." Letting go of Shannon’s hand, Kate walked inside and stopped on the hall, feeling the same urge to run that she had felt before. She could run, of course she could. It would be so much easier.

About ten minutes after Shannon left, Kate heard Jack’s car in the driveway, and her stomach jumped. She stood still as she heard him stop the car and get out, and then walk slowly towards the house. When he opened the door, Kate was already waiting for him on the corridor, stiff and defiant.

"Hey." He said, closing the door behind him. She didn’t move, she couldn’t bring herself to. Both of them stood there for a while, quietly looking at each other, as if analyzing what they were both doing.

They knew it was over, that there was no way back. But still, Jack had never even thought about Kate betraying him, and Kate had never thought he’d felt so guilty. She was the first to talk.

"I know. Everything." He nodded and placed the car keys on the phone table.

"What do you know, Susan?" he asked, putting his hands on his hips, as if signaling an inrritation he wasn’t yet feeling.

"About your affair." She suddenly recalled Ana’s request for her to keep their encounter to themselves, so she didn’t say what was next. "I want a divorce, Jack."

He laughed a bit, that mocking laughter Kate hated. He was patronizing her, as usual, and it was becoming a little too much to bear. "You really think it would be that easy?" he was clearly mocking her, and she had to fight the urge to walk up to him and show him the fighting skills she had never had a chance to display. "You really think I’d give you a divorce that easily? Come on, Susan. It’s nothing big, for a man to have an affair. Many women live with that." he smiled as he said this, making Kate shiver.

"I’m not every other women. I want the divorce, and I wanna take Ella with me."
"Ella?" he laughed. "You really think I’d let you take my daughter? Susan, have you been drinking?"

"Your daughter? You don’t even know her, Jack. You don’t know how to take care of her, and she doesn’t want to be with you!" Kate almost shouted this, taking two steps towards Jack and getting closer to him.

"Yeah? And who do you think the judge will believe? The adulterous mother or the model doctor?" he smiled "Yeah, ‘cause an affair is something very easy to forge."
Kate looked at him, almost scared. He wasn’t himself, he wasn’t the Jack she had married.

"You’re out of your mind, Jack." She was getting ready to leave Jack standing there and run over to Claire’s house. Jack was really scaring her with his attitude. She couldn’t have seen it coming even if she had wanted to. It was just not Jack. Where was the loving, tender Jack she had loved? This Jack was angry, unpredictable.

As she made a move to the door, Jack’s hand caught her arm and held her close, his breath hitting her like a stone. He had been drinking. He had a dangerous glow in his eyes, like a werewolf that was about to turn from his human form into his animal self.

"You don’t get to turn away from me, Susan." He said this in a low voice, almost a hiss, and Kate looked at him in the eye, more scared than she had ever been. If he was doing this to her, she wondered what she could have done to her daughter, with a sudden coldness taking over her stomach.

"You don’t own me, you b*stard." She spit the words out, and wasn’t surprised when a forceful hand hit her face, making her fall to the ground. She covered her face with her hands and suddenly, like a car hitting her, Wayne’s face came back to her mind. He was right there, hitting her and her mother, decorating their bodies with purple marks of his drunkenness.

Jack was not Jack anymore. He was Wayne, and all Kate knew about Wayne was that she had to fight him. So when Jack kneeled himself in front of her, ready to hit her again, she did nothing but kick him hard, making him bend over himself. Getting up on her feet again, she tried to run to the door a second time, but just like in the first, Jack got her arm and pressed her against the wall, his hands gripping her neck and stopping her breathing.

Kate thought she would die. She wasn’t breathing, and she was starting to see some stars in front of her eyes, luring her into sleep, making the way softer for her. She could hear Ella’s voice, and Sawyer’s voice on the other side of the lights, and all she wanted to do was let herself go, let herself follow that light and finally meet the ones she wanted to meet.

With a thud, she felt herself go free of those hands, and allowed her knees to buckle, falling to the ground silently. She was breathing again, but her eyes were still closed. The muffled sounds of a fight were wandering in her head, but she heard them so far away that they didn’t even bother to open her eyes.

It was only a few seconds later, when she realized there were two people fighting in front of her, that she opened her eyes, staring in shock at the scenery.

The two men were fighting, and her blurred vision only allowed her to see that one of them was on the floor, moaning and holding his stomach, while the other one got up on his feet and walked to her.

Kate curled up and tried to avoid the man’s touch. She didn’t know who he was, she couldn’t see a thing. He could be Jack, trying to kill her again. But it wasn’t. Kate felt herself relax when she felt the familiar lips on her temples, kissing softly, so it wouldn’t hurt. But how could it possibly hurt? His lips would never hurt her.

Sawyer’s arms took Kate’s small body and held her close to his chest. She put her arms around his neck and sunk her head in his neck, the tears finally coming to her. He got up on his feet, and before he left, he poked Jack’s belly with his shoe, making him look up.

"Don’t mess with my girl again, Doc." He said coldly, and slowly walked out of the house, transporting a torn Kate in his arms, the two of them composing the picture of true gloriousness, in Kate’s eyes. Just a man, carrying his woman. What else could she want?

a banner I made, for a request from Monika!



and the chap!

Thanks to Katie for the beta reading and Clá for the moral support during the writing of the... deliate scenes.

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Chapter 21

Sawyer parked his car in front of his apartment and tried to make himself look at Kate for the first time since they had left her house, thirty minutes before. He hadn’t been able to look at her since he started the car, and had found valuable excuses for that fact throughout the entire trip: he had to pay attention to the road and when he stopped at a red light, his attention was drawn to a black cat passing by, and seemed extremely interesting to his eyes. At the second red light, he decided to examine his right hand, bruised from his fight with Jack.

With all those excuses, he had found a way not to cross his gaze with Kate’s during the trip. Now, he was cornered. He would have to look at her, respond to her look with something of his own. He would have to stare at her bruised face, her purple cheek. He would have to stare at the result of his pride, his lack of courage to go to her and apologize. To take Kate and her daughter out of that house. It was his fault. Of course it was. He could have gone to her house earlier, instead drinking in a bar until that chick called, saying that she had Ella and that Kate was probably in danger.

“You don’t have to look at me if you don’t want to.” Kate said with a sigh, and Sawyer didn’t dare to tear his eyes away from the steering wheel. “I know it must be kind of gross.” Her sad tone was all he needed to snap out of that wave of guilt he was immersed in. Hell, he was making things worse.

“Looking at you ain’t the problem.” He glanced at her, finally, and his eyes found her curled up against the door, forehead pressed against the window, her eyes closed. Her bruised cheek was turned towards him, and he could see a purple shadow covering her cheek bone. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be.

“Yes it is. You don’t wanna see what he did to me. It makes you feel guilty.” Kate said this in one breath, leaving Sawyer with both his hands gripping the wheel in disbelief. The damn woman could always read right through him. How the hell could she know what he was thinking? He looked the other way, through his own window, as a comfortable silence was established between them. It was all there was to it, wasn’t it? The comfortable silence he didn’t seem to find with anyone else, but that was always there with Kate.

After a few moments of silence, Sawyer thought Kate was asleep and turned to her again, only to find her staring at him with a piercing look and a sad smile on her face. Her eyes were red from crying, and her freckles were more visible than ever, even there, in the dim light of a street lamp. Sawyer looked at her eyes and took the keys out of the ignition.

“Wanna go upstairs?” he asked in a low, tired tone. He kept looking at her eyes, trying to avoid her cheek, obviously uncomfortable with it. She was right. He blamed himself for that, of course it did. Because it was true. If he hadn’t been so damn stubborn, none of that would have happened. If he had the courage to go over to her house and just take her with him, Jack wouldn’t have had the opportunity to beat her up. Damn, he knew she had been beat up when she was a kid, he once noticed her cringe during a conversation about a girl who had died from “domestic violence”. He knew that she had already gone through that, and that those were probably the most painful memories she had. She didn’t need to relive them with that doctor. Hell, she didn’t need to relive them with anyone.

When he dared to look at her lips, he realized she was smiling. It wasn’t that sad, half painful, half broken smile he had seen seconds before. It was a devious, mischief grin, one of those that made his inside boil and his desire grow. He mentally kicked himself for thinking of sex at a time like that, but her voice, when she spoke, did nothing to help him avoid those thoughts.

“Is that an invitation to your bed?” He smiled at her words and looked away, feeling himself blush. Crap, he was blushing in front of her, he couldn’t believe it.

He didn’t know if it was the almost inexistent light, or the fact that she was expecting it that kept her from making a witty remark, one of those he usually made. Replying in that same playful tone, Sawyer looked at her eyes and flashed his dimples.

“Hell yeah. But can we still do it here, in the car?” her smile disappeared and her eyes became sharp, not at all nice. Sawyer got scared for a moment, and then realized she was about to cry.

“I... I didn’t... I wasn’t serious.” She said in a low, trembling voice. Clearing her throat, her voice became steady and studied, as if she had been gaining strength to say those words. “I don’t think I can have sex tonight.”

Sawyer could never have predicted her next reaction, and he watched it as if he watched a slow motion, mute movie, the events coming upon him with the sharpness of a thousand knives, piercing through his body.

Kate covered her eyes with her right hand, and all he saw was her mouth, moving into a disfigured, crying state. The shape of the Greek playhouse masks he had seen in a documentary came to his mind all of the sudden. Kate’s mouth looked pretty much like ‘tragedy’s’ face at the moment.

Her body started to break itself, and she brought her knees up to her chest and hugged them, exposing her crying face to Sawyer, hitting him like a punch. He had never seen her like that. Truth be told, he had never seen anyone like that. He felt like, for the first time in his life, he was looking at the real face of sadness, of fear and of despair. Kate was breaking down in front of him, and he didn’t know what to do.

Sawyer was acutely aware of his whole body. He could almost feel the blood running through his veins, he could feel it irrigate his limbs, his long legs all the way to his feet, and up again, moving to his hands, the hands he was unable to use, unable to move in Kate’s direction. Above all, he was acutely aware of his state of inaction. For God’s sake, Kate was in front of him, breaking down in a way that he’d never seen anyone break down before, and all he could do was stare at her?

Then, suddenly, it hit him. He was scared of it. He was scared and he didn’t know how to react because, ever since he could remember, he hadn’t let anyone get into him as deeply as Kate had. He couldn’t touch her because he was scared that it would be real, that if he moved or touched her, it could become a reality for him too. He could share that pain, and pain was something he was never interested in. He’d had enough of that in his childhood.

And then, against his will, he saw himself move one hand, then another. He watched ad his hands, seemingly on their own accord, moved towards Kate and touched both her shoulders. He also watched as she brought her teary eyes up to his and moved across the pickup seat, sitting in his lap, her face at the level of his own face, her forehead touching his. Her legs were turned towards the passenger seat, and her arms were around his neck, softly, almost not touching.

They didn’t kiss. None of them wanted to make the first move, and above all, none of them felt the need to. Kate looked at his eyes one more time before her small body started to shake with sobs, convulsing so hard that Sawyer grabbed her back in order to keep her in place. As he did that, he started, again without his brain ordering it, kissing her cheeks softly, the bruised one and the other one. He kept spreading quiet, slow kisses on her forehead, her nose, and the spot between her eyes that he loved so much.

After some time, Kate’s sobs started to get more sporadic, and Sawyer felt himself relax. He was holding her head against his neck with his hands, telling her soothing words and kissing her neck and ears softly, way that was new even to himself. As a matter of fact, he was quite surprised with his actions in the past half hour. He never thought he had it in him, that ability to comfort her, that willingness to embrace her and cradle her, make her feel better. It was just as new to her as it was to him. She had never been comforted like that by anyone, and she had to admit that she was enjoying it a little bit more than she should.

God! She was sobbing in his arms, had been beaten up by her husband and all Kate could think about was sex. She was shocking herself, and at the same time, realizing that it was more than natural to feel that way. She wanted him. Even with the sobs. Even knowing that he would probably be scared as hell once they got out of that car and into the real world. Even knowing that she was just as scared as he was.

Kate felt Sawyer open the door with one hand and put the other hand under her knees.

“Let’s go upstairs.” Sawyer said, and she felt herself being lifted up. She had no idea of how he’d done it, but the next second they were both out of the car, and he was carrying her in his arms. Kate buried her face in his neck, afraid to show herself cry even more.

He was carrying her. He was carrying her inside his house in the same way he had carried her out of her house. It was like a ritual, a scary sense of symmetry put there in purpose, by fate, by God, even, to show her the way. There was no way back.

Hiding her sobs in Sawyer’s neck, Kate couldn’t decide if she was crying out of joy or sadness. Or even fear, the kind of fear that got stuck in her throat and made her unable to breathe. Sawyer made his way into the elevator and pressed the button with the number four on it. Kate didn’t move while they stood there, in the silent space, both trying not to think about the closeness of each other’s bodies. Kate was extremely aware of Sawyer’s hand roaming over the bare skin of her lower back, getting tangled in the hair that was falling into her back, while he felt the effects of her breathing on his neck with a crumpled face.

When the elevator doors finally opened, they both sighed out loud, relief spreading across their faces in the form of a loud, genuine laughter. Sawyer opened the door to his house and, without turning the lights on, he led Kate to the couch, kissing her forehead slowly. She looked at him, still laughing a little, her face blushed again.

“What do we do now?” she asked, her voice low. There was a tip of hesitation on her voice, as she had just made a decision. Sawyer looked at the kitchenette and smiled a little.

“Now, I’m gonna make coffee and you’re gonna drink it.” He got up and smiled at her. “I still ain’t sure if you’re drunk or not.”

“I’m not!” She laughed, drying the tears from her face with the bottom of her shirt with a smile on her face. Sawyer smiled when he looked at her. She was beautiful, her eyes shiny and her cheeks blushed. The purple stain seemed to be reduced to that place, and it wasn’t so hard to look at, now.

“Well, you’re gonna drink it anyway, Freckles.” He said with a laugh.

“Oh yeah? Let me warn you, then. If I drink that thing, I won’t be able to sleep all night.” She said, a playful smile dancing on her lips. He was stunned with her change, from the state she was in a few moments ago, and the way she was acting now. There was still sadness in her, he could see it, but it was almost as if she felt safe, so safe inside his house, that she could be another person, a happier person inside it.

“Who told ya I want you to sleep, tonight?” he replied, and she threw a pillow at him.

“Shut up.” Getting up from the couch, Kate turned the lights on, and looked around her. She was staring at a male apartment, clearly, but against her predictions, it was tidy and clean. The living room was a rectangular room, the door placed on one of the long sides of it. There were big windows in front of the door, and the couch was in the opposite direction, making a right angle with them. The TV set was in front of the couch, and facing the kitchenette, equipped with old but clean wooden cabinets. There were DVDs placed near the TV, and two big bookshelves, filled with books. It was a comfortable environment, and Kate felt herself going back to her old apartment, the one she had owned before she had married Jack. It was something like that, small and cosy, warm. A big couch, a kitchen and books. It was all she used to need, and it was all he needed.

“Never pegged you for the intellectual type.” She joked lightly, approaching the bookshelves and looking at the volumes. There were no pictures, no artefacts in front of the books. Sawyer looked at her and leaned his back against the kitchen counter.

“I’m not. I have a thing for tacky novels.” He shrugged and turned around, while Kate examined one of the volumes.

“Graham Greene is not exactly tacky.” She said, walking over to him and sitting on one of the kitchen stools. He looked at her with an embarrassed smile.

“I know the house ain’t fancy, alright? But it’s what I have. And I do like it.” He said in one breath, as if scared that she would judge him. Kate shrugged and accepted the mug with coffee he placed in front of her.

“I like it. Very much.” Taking a sip from the coffee, she felt herself get warmer and start to feel better, as if the simple fact that Sawyer had made her coffee could change her mood. It could, but that was beyond the point. Or so she thought. “It’s good.” She said with a smile “But I still think I’d prefer the vodka.”

“See what I mean?” he asked, sitting in front of her and taking a deep, satisfied breath. “You’re still drunk.”

“Am not!” she replied, throwing a napkin at him and hitting his forehead. He laughed and continued to tease her.

“Are too!”

“I’m not! I didn’t drink anything since Ana Lucia came by!” she smiled sadly. She felt like she owed him, for that, she owed him her sanity at the moment. “Thanks for sending her there. She kind of saved me.”

“Yeah. I thought so. And I know Lulu always wanted to see your husband’s house, so...” a look of sadness came over Kate’s face as she took another sip from the coffee. They stood in silence for a moment, not sure of what to say, until Kate broke the silence in the best way she could.

“So, can I crash on your couch?” Sawyer pointed at one of the doors on the smallest wall.

“Nah, you sleep in my bed. I’ll sleep here on the couch.” Kate got up from the stool and smiled.

“No way. Seriously, there’s no need for that, I can sleep here.” She moved towards the couch, getting ready to lie down, but Sawyer got there first and pushed her to the bedroom.

“Don’t even dream about it, Freckles, you’re not getting the TV set for the night.” He laughed and opened his bedroom door. It was a medium size bedroom, with a big brass bed and a closet. There was a small door that led to the bathroom, a small but clean room, just as the rest of the house. Sawyer walked to his closet and picked a black t-shirt up, placing it on the bed. Kate smiled at his gestures, so domestic and manly at the same time.

“You don’t have to worry about sheets and stuff, the maid changed them today.” He smiled at himself. “It seems like she was predicting this, huh?”

Kate picked the shirt up from the bed and smiled at him. Turning off the light, she looked at him with a weird expression on her face. When he didn’t understand what she meant with that look, she spoke up “Sawyer, I’m not that easy. Would you please turn around, so I can change?” she said, with a smile. He smiled back at her and turned around, sticking his hands on his pockets and sighing loudly. Kate got rid of her clothes quickly, putting on his shirt. It was long, and reached the top of her thies; just enough to cover her butt and leave a big portion of her legs out.

“You can turn around, if you want.” She said in a low voice, trying to get the shirt to lower just a bit, enough for her to hide behind it. Fortunately or unfortunately, it was basically impossible.

When he turned around, Sawyer was more than pleased to get the chance to look at Kate’s toned legs. He had seen them in the Cape, but the Cape wasn’t his bedroom. Hell, it wasn’t his bed.

Kate blushed a bit with his look and walked towards the side of the bed, laying down and staring at the window, which was allowing a dim light to enter the room. That light was enough for her, it was enough for them. She laid on her side, and felt his steps beside her. With a smile, he pulled the covers from under her and tucked her inside of them, making her smile. She was enjoying that treatment almost to exhaustion.

When Sawyer was done, he kissed her forehead lightly and was preparing to leave when she held his hand.

“Can’t you stay here with me? Just for a bit.” She smiled at his puzzled look. “Take your mind out of the gutter, Tex.” She laughed “I mean to talk for a bit. Or stay quiet. Whatever you like.” Kate shrugged “You were the one to give me coffee, man. I warned you.”

Sawyer took off his shoes quickly and climbed onto the bed, on top of the covers, lying besides Kate. She smiled at this, and turned her stomach up, leaving the two of them in the same position, both facing the ceiling and their somehow transformed lives.

-----------------------

The two of them lay there, in the dark, for almost two hours talking endlessly. They spoke mostly about Kate’s life, and what she would have to do, now that she had left Jack.

“It’s just… everything seems so surreal.” She smiled a little when she said this, afraid he might find her corny, somehow. “I don’t know. It’s like a dream. It doesn’t feel real. None of this feels real.”

“Well, Freckles, I can assure you: this is real.” Sawyer laughed a bit, trying to conceal the fact that he was thinking the exact same thing. How unreal that whole night seemed. How their lives were changing, so fast and so dramatically.

“I know.” He could hear the smile on her voice, her tired tone sprinkled with a little bit of self-mocking. “But it still doesn’t feel real.” She added, more seriously.

They stood in silence for another while. They were both lying comfortably, facing the ceiling, with their eyes closed. It was almost as if they were two friends, not more than that, spending a night together and talking about their lives. But then, of course, there was the sexual tension.

Despite the feeling of well being the situation provided both of them, they were immersed in a pool of blatant sexual tension. It wasn’t awkward at all, because there was no embarrassment between the two of them. They wanted each other and there was nothing to do about it. Sawyer knew Kate was dying to kiss him, while Kate was acutely aware of the closeness of his right hand to her hipbone. God, she only wished he would grab it already and pull her to him, closing the distance between them.

Kate’s hands, placed quietly above her stomach, were starting to ache with need. She wanted to touch him. She could feel the tingle in her fingertips, she could feel herself touching his skin, the soft spot in the middle of his thorat, which she fantasized about even since she’d seen him half naked, in the Cape house. However, this situation was nothing like that afternoon in the Cape. They were lying in a bed. In his bed. Nothing good could come of that, could it?

“I wish I could leave.” Kate said in a low voice, trying hard not to think about the body right next to her.

“Where?”

“Somewhere.” A moment after she said those words, they both laughed at the silliness of the statement. “I mean, somewhere far from here.” She thought a bit before letting out the words, thinking that he would probably react to them. “Maybe the south.”

“Where in the south?” she was right, he had opened his eyes and turned his face to hers, a wave of nostalgia growing in his eyes.

“I don’t know. You’re from Tennessee, right? Maybe there.” Kate tried to sound careless and distracted as she said that, trying not to make him feel too bad. She knew it wasn’t easy for him, even though she didn’t know why.

“I ain’t goin’ back to Tennessee.” Sawyer said in a growl, obviously touched by the way she spoke about it. “If ya like the south, why not South Carolina? Georgia?”

“First of all, who said I wanted you to go with me?” Kate said with a laugh, using her elbows to pull herself up and look at him. He smiled, his usual cocky smile spreading across his features and making him seem like a little boy.

“You can’t live without me, Freckles. Not anymore. Not after I performed my ‘white knight’ impression against that hubby of yours, tonight.” They shared a quick laugh and Kate let herself fall on the bed, a little bit closer to Sawyer, their hands almost touching, now. It was almost like a torture.

“So, Carolina, huh?” Kate moved her hand closer to Sawyer’s, and realized they were Sawyer’s hand wasn’t by her side, as she would have thought. It wasn’t until she felt his fingertips on her arm, sending shivers down her spine, that she realized he was touching her.

It was becoming unbearable. Sawyer’s hand was roaming over Kate’s arm, his fingertips only touching her skin. She felt like he was burning through her flesh, his energy so dense that she could feel the heat from his body.

“Yeah. Carolina sounds… good.” Sawyer said, a little distracted by the movements of his own arms. Kate’s breathing was becoming ragged, as she felt herself warm up under Sawyer’s expertise. He was now tantalizing the skin just above her shoulder, his fingertips probing her neck slowly making her sigh.

“But then we… we won’t have…” she felt like she wasn’t going to say anything that actually mattered. And she wasn’t, but somehow, she felt the need to keep to keep talking, as if her voice was the snake whisperer’s flute, leading Sawyer’s hands over her body. “We can’t… Ella will… Oh, dear.”

Before she could think Kate pushed Sawyer in the opposite direction of her body, making him roll around on the bed and fall to the ground with a thud. Se couldn’t help a laugh, covering her face with her hands quickly.

Sawyer was sitting on the floor, his head just above the mattress, looking at her curiously. “What the hell, Freckles? You tryin’ to kill me?” Kate couldn’t stop laughing, so she held the pillow against her face and laughed into it, letting Sawyer hear no more than a bunch of little squeals, apparently from her breathing.

“I’m… sorry.” Kate said, amongst the laughter. “I’m so sorry. But we’re not having sex. Not now.” She said in one breath, starting to laugh all over again. Sawyer felt offended by that. Hell, he knew she wanted that just as much as he did, why she was acting like that.

He couldn’t, however, tear his eyes away from her laughing figure. She looked way too beautiful for him to look other way. Her eyes were filled with tears (happy tears, he was sure), and her face was blushed, so unequivocally, that he could see in with the dim illumination. And he loved to see her laugh. She didn’t do it often, so it was refreshing and new when she did it. He loved to see her like that. Damn, he wouldn’t trade that vision for the world.

When her laugher started to subside, and Kate let herself fall on the mattress again, Sawyer got up from the bed and looked back at her, a half-amused smile turned towards her.

“Well, since you can have that much fun on your own, I’m gonna lay in my ultra-comfortable couch and sleep. Ever heard of that? Sleep?” Kate’s face grew serious as she saw him turn around to leave, and she raised herself from the bed for the third time.

“Sawyer…” she said, but he cut her off.

“Go to sleep, Freckles.” Sawyer closed the door behind him, leaving a lonely and slightly excited Kate behind him.

----------------------------------

Kate couldn’t sleep. It was almost 5 am and she hadn’t closed her eyes for a second. It was the coffee, She knew it was the coffee that Sawyer had given her, that was preventing her from resting.

Who was she kidding? It wasn’t the coffee, of course it wasn’t. She could hear his breathing from the opened door, and feel him right there, in the couch, sleeping deeply. Moving from time to time. She could hear his breathing and synchronize her own breathing with his, trying to fall asleep, trying to lose herself into him. Trying to let herself go.

Kate tried to distract herself by thinking of how much her life would change. She would have to get an apartment for herself, and for Ella, since the girl would most obviously be with her. It couldn’t happen in any other way. She would get an apartment, downtown, near Sawyer’s. They would be safe, with him around them. That way, he could come around and have sex with her anytime.

Kate slapped her own forehead, with that thought. How could she think about that? She couldn’t be that desperate, could she? Oh yeah, she was.

Pulling her legs up from under the covers, Kate got up on her feet and walked toward the entrance of the bedroom, hoping to get a view of Sawyer’s body. She did. He was lying on his back, his bare chest exposed to Kate’s eyes. She couldn’t have asked for more. He was just there, waiting for her, aching for her touch. And she could do nothing but oblige, with a blind faith in what was happening next.

Without even realizing, Kate approached the couch and keeled on the floor right beside Sawyer’s chest, looking at him. He looked restless. His eyes were shut tightly, but his mouth was relaxed. There was a wrinkle of his forehead, the one that appeared when he was angry, splitting the spot between his eyebrows in two. Kate’s finger, of his own will, followed that line gently, finishing it’s train on his hair. Her other hand, lifting up before she could stop it, was touching Sawyer’s chest very lightly, pressing one finger against the spot she loved so much.

Kate wasn’t surprised when Sawyer’s eyes snapped open, staring at her intensely as her hands made their way up from his chest to his neck. Lifting herself up from the floor, Kate bend over and caged Sawyer’s face with her hands, looking at his eyes.

The tension between the two of them was almost palpable. Sawyer’s eyes were open wide, while Kate was feeling herself relax into him. His hands came up to the sides of her torso, drawing her even closer to him than she already was´, while she took a deep breath and closed her eyes. Sawyer saw her closed eyes and decided to embrace the opportunity and take a chance. Raising himself from the couch, he picked Kate up from the floor easily and sat her on his lap. Kate shifted and put one leg on each side of his body, so she was straddling him, even closer to him than before.

They looked at each other’s eyes for a moment, before crashing their mouths against each other in fierce passion. The kiss was overwhelming: their tongues were entwined and their hands were running wild over each other’s bodies, gripping and tugging everywhere. For the first time, there were no barriers between them, no shame, no sense of decency. They were just animals, passionate animals that wanted to be consumed by that fire.

Kate moaned into Sawyer’s mouth when he grabbed the back of her thighs, pulling her closer. The two thin layers of clothing between them were starting to become annoying, and they got rid of them quickly. Sawyer wanted to take Kate’s shirt himself, and she let him. There was nothing sexier than a beautiful woman wearing one of his shirts. And if he could be the one to take it off, even better.

Kate couldn’t avoid a smile, when she saw the look of wonder that danced on Sawyer’s eyes, as soon as he saw her naked. He was stunned by her beauty, even in the dark room, illuminated only by the street lights and the fading moon.

She was perfect, he thought with a smile. Deep down, he had a strange feeling, sort of a fear of getting disappointed, of looking at her after those months of longing for her, and not feeling the slightest bit of desire. He smiled at her when he realized it couldn’t have happened. She was perfect. She was beautiful: her curves soft, her muscles taut; she had enough flesh for him to grab, bite and delight himself. Her breasts fit his hands in the most devilish way, not too big but not too small either.

“Wow.” It was all he managed to say, as his eyes travelled up and down her body one more time. Kate laughed a bit, pressing her hands against his chest and making him lean against the back of the couch. Kissing him softly, she rubbed her hands all over him, only to find out he was more than ready for her. And she wasn’t in the mood for waiting either.

They moved slowly, savouring each other’s bodies and they walked slowly towards the ending they were expecting. None of them made any noise: the only sounds that could be heard were the ragged and irregular intakes of air, that both made at the exact same time. They took their time, not rushing, enjoying themselves as much as they could.

They seemed to be gifted with an uncanny sense of empathy, as if they had been doing that for years. Sawyer could read any look Kate gave him, any touch. He knew exactly where she wanted to be touched and the pace she wanted to keep; Kate could read the signs of his desire perfectly, matching his thrusts with her own and embracing him softly. Sawyer kissed her neck more and more hungrily as he got close to finishing, and Kate’s breaths were more forced and erratic by the second. Still, they didn’t say a word. When she felt herself getting closer to her own release, she pulled Sawyer’s head away from her neck, grabbing his hair, and kissed him deeply, more deeply than she ever had.

It was almost as if they were drowning: the kiss was leaving them breathless, but the idea of comfort, of ending that it gave didn’t allow them to break it. It was only when Kate started to feel herself go limp that she broke it, looking deeply into Sawyer’s eyes as they both stopped breathing for a moment, leading one another over the edge.

They stood there, motionless, for several minutes, kissing slowly and softly and trying to regain the air they seemed to have lost. Kate was feeling lighter than she had felt in years. She was in the arms of the man she loved, just resting there, peacefully. There was nothing in the world better than that.

Sawyer, on the other hand, was surprised with himself. He had never felt that, what he had felt with Kate. When he thought about it, for a moment, he realized what it was: it was intimacy. Tenderness, silence, intimacy. He had never felt that with a woman, because the other women he had been with were mere tests, mere experiments, made only to help him realize that Kate was his one and true match. He smiled at himself, thinking he should be in such a high that he was already thinking like a girl, “Get over yourself, man.” He thought to himself with a dimpled smile earning Kate’s attention.

“What?” she smiled curiously at him. He kissed her softly and looked at her eyes again.

“Nothin’. Let’s go to bed.” He said, lifting himself up from the couch, Kate’s legs around hi midsection, and walked to the bedroom with his woman’s giggles decorating the air. He dropped her on the bed, smiling widely at her, as she leaned against the pillows and looked up at him, an equally mischievous smile dancing on her lips. He put one knee on the bed and looked at her eyes, making Kate laugh a bit and pull him down against her, for the second time that night.

“C’mere, cowboy.”

----------------------------

The fell asleep together, when the sun was already high in the sky. They had spent the previous three hours loosing themselves in each other’s bodies, leading to a wave of exhaustion that, mixed with the events from the previous night, made them fall asleep faster than they had expected.

They were sleeping together, in the most literal of all senses. Her torso against his torso; her left arm folded under her head and the right one placed around his midsection. His arm was folded over her, pulling her closer, protecting her from any possible threats that could tear their peace apart. Their legs were intertwined, and they were still naked, the blanked spread loosely over their lower stomachs and thighs.

More than their bodies being together, their faces were. Their noses were touching, and so were their lips. Both of them had the mouths open just enough to let the air in, as if breathing each other’s air, living from each other’s bodies. So when Kate felt the need to shift and found herself drowned in Sawyer’s protectiveness, she decided she wouldn’t need to shift. They were perfect like that.

Planting a soft kiss on the tip of his nose, Kate closed her eyes again and pulled Sawyer’s body even closer to her.

Chapter 22

The sun was already high in the sky by the time they went to sleep, and five hours later, there they were. It was almost 1 pm and they were still in the same bedroom, the door open to the living room and the window closed, the blinds shut, allowing just a faint ray of sunlight to penetrate that strange dimension they had created.

Kate shifted a bit in the dark, placing one leg over the arm of the sofa she was sitting on. She would never have pegged Sawyer for the kind of man that had a small couch in the bedroom, but the sense of comfort it gave the room had made her choose the spot to sit and wait for him to wake up. It wasn’t far away from the bed, just about the distance of an arm, so she could feel him close to her, hear him while he slept. He made some noises she would normally consider annoying, and shifted a lot, but she didn’t care. It was like watching a football game, she couldn’t tear her eyes away from the calm and endearing spectacle happening right in front of her.

He was sleeping on his back, his chest rising and falling slowly, his hand over his stomach. The only thing covering his body was a sheet, but it was concentrated on his lower parts, leaving the nude torso for Kate to appreciate. She bit her lip while she considered, for a moment, taking the sheet away and having him completely exposed to her, but she managed to fight that urge and keep her hands to herself. Fighting a laughter that was almost winning over her will, Kate looked at the door of the bedroom and sighed.

It was amazing, how much her life had changed since the previous night. She was no longer with Jack. She had made the move. She had started it, the war that was probably going to lead her to utter destruction. But somehow, looking at Sawyer’s sleeping figure, she realized it was all worth it. She was no longer a prisoner, she no longer had to pretend to be something she had never been. That pretty and submissive housewife Jack liked her to be.

Who was she fooling? She had enjoyed it. Until that year, until she had met Sawyer, she had loved her life. She loved having all the time in the world for her daughter, not having to worry about running away, about how she was going to find money for the next meal. She’d had enough of that back in the days.

And she was probably going back to that now. The problem, however, was that she wasn’t alone. She had a daughter to take care of, and she would never, on any condition, leave Ella behind. But then again, maybe she’d have to. Would it be fair for the girl to live as a fugitive, not able to stay on one school, one house. One home. She wouldn’t have a home, and that was something that even she had when she was little. Back in the days when her parents were together. She couldn’t drag Ella to that life, she just couldn’t.

Feeling a wave of panic coming over her, Kate covered her face with her hands and took a deep breath, starting to feel calmer as she inhaled the warm air from the overheated bedroom. Nothing would happen, she repeated to herself like a mantra, Nothing could happen. She wouldn’t be able to live without the girl, without the baby she had begun to bring up, with all the scare and happiness that came along with it.

For a moment, Kate remembered the day after Ella was born, when she had already slept and the visits were gone. She was alone in the hospital bedroom, cradling the little girl in her arms, and the same wave invaded her, tearing her apart. Kate suddenly recalled starting to cry, as the girl cried as well, and she tried to silence her as she thought she could never do it.

“How can I raise you?” she had asked the little girl, as if that baby would answer. “How can I take care of you? I’m not a good person, I’m not even decent. I’m a lie. How can I raise you, Ella?” the girl wailed and Kate tried to muffle her sobs by kissing the girl’s forehead.

That had happened four years ago, but somehow was still fresh in Kate’s memory. It was like a scar, the fear she had felt, that she imagined any mother would feel, only multiplied by a thousand. And it was the exact same fear she was feeling now.

Kate straightened up on her chair when she heard Sawyer move in his sleep, and smiled. No. She wasn’t alone. She had Ella and she had Sawyer. She knew he wouldn’t leave her alone fighting for the girl. She knew he would help her. And it was worth the risk.


-----------------------------------------


Sawyer opened his eyes and stretched his arm to feel the warm body laying beside him. He felt exhausted. Kate had taken all the strength away from him, hadn’t she? A strange woman, that curly-haired beauty. He knew she wouldn’t be the kind to just give up control, but he hadn’t imagined how much she would fight him. She wouldn’t give in, she wouldn’t cave. They were playfully battling each other on the bed, wrestling for control, until at some point, without the need for words, they both gave in, just enjoying each other’s bodies, with no will for power at all. That was why he was strangely surprised when he realized there was no body there, only the already cold sheets of his own bed.

“Morning, Tex.” A voice said from the other side of the bed, the corner of the room. He propped himself up on his elbows and looked at the chair, where Kate was sitting with a cat-like smile that made him warm up all over again. He wasn’t that exhausted after all, he thought with a smile. She looked stunning, even though all he could see were her long legs, curled in front of her.

“Morning, Freckles.” He growled, stretching an arm to touch her leg. She slapped his hand lightly and he retreated with a smile, but seconds later, he was already there again, his fingertips tracing the soft way up to her thighs. She smiled as she took his hand in hers, not expecting what came next.

Somehow, Sawyer had managed to make her get up and make her crash on top of him, holding her still with his legs and pulling her close with his hands on her torso. She felt herself land on his body with a thud, the comfort of him reaching up her back again and making her want to melt. She couldn’t avoid a smile when she looked down at his face, her curls framing her face and creating a space of their own, as if they were a curtain.

Sawyer brought one hand up to her face and tucked some of the curls behind her ear, making her smile even wider. “I could be here all day.”

“We can’t.” she smiled as she said this, trying not to break that feeling, that peace that was still evolving them. “I used your phone. Had to call Shannon.” Sawyer sighed and broke their eye contact, tearing the moment apart. Tensing up a bit, Kate let herself fall to his side, looking up at the ceiling.

“There’s a world outside this room, you know?” she said quietly. “I had to know if Ella was alright.”

“Was she?” she could feel a hint of worry in his voice.

“Yeah. She’s at Kindergarten now. Shannon told her teacher that no one else could pick her up.” Kate sighed and Sawyer moved his face to look at her.

“What are you worried about?” his voice wasn’t angry, only disappointed. She knew he had imagined they could stay in bed all day, living out of each other. She had imagined that countless times as well, but it just wasn’t possible. Not at the present time, at least. Still, she made a mental note to make it up to him the next time they had some time on their hands.

“They have to give her to Jack if he goes there. He’s her father.” Kate sat on the bed, pulling the sheets away from her. “Christ, how could I be so stupid?” she muttered, as she got out of the bed and ran to the phone. Sawyer sighed and followed her, stopping just near the kitchenette counter. She pressed a series of numbers fast, and then lowered her eyes, sort of a tique she had, when she was talking on the phone.

Damn, he already knew her mannerisms. That whole thing was becoming serious.

When the person on the other side of the line picked up, Kate spoke in a slow, almost inaudible voice. Mistaking that habit for a need for privacy, he sighed again and moved to the bedroom, where he let himself fall on the bed with a thud. He wasn’t sure of how many minutes had passed until he heard her voice behind him.

“You didn’t need to leave the room. It’s your house.” She said in a low, somehow threatening voice. He looked up, locking eyes with her and moved up to her.

“Thought you could use the privacy. Your tone of voice told me so.” He spat, moving past her towards the counter and picking up a mug, pouring some coffee into it.

“I always talk like that. You, of all people, should know that.” she stated, simply. Walking past him, she got herself a mug and took the coffee pot out of his hand, pouring herself some of the cold liquid. “It’s cold.” She stated with a smile. She loved to see him getting angry.

“Well, ma’am, I didn’t really have the time to warm it up yet. Would you like me to?” he asked, with exaggerated kindness. She laughed a bit, rolling her eyes at him.

“Don’t you wanna hear what I know?” she asked in a soft yet seducing voice, as if she was lulling him into obeying her. Strangely enough, he was more than willing to.

“What?”

“I was talking to Christian. My father in law.” She rolled her eyes “Jack is out of town.” She said happily, looking at the bottom of the mug. Sawyer noticed she had passed from looking like a calm and safe woman to a hyperactive girl, smiling with excitement. “That was the good part. The bad part is that he’s planning to press charges against you, as soon as he finds out who you are. That’s why we gotta go talk to Chris.”

“We?” Sawyer asked in a mocking tone. Great, now she was dragging him into the family reunion. “Ain’t that a bit dangerous right now?”

“He has to see me like this.” She shrugged and looked away.

“Like what?” Sawyer asked the question and immediately regretted it. Looking at Kate, he saw her looking through the window, her eyes far away.

“He needs to see what his son has done. He believes me, I know he does, but it’s different if he sees it. he’ll be on our side.” Kate said, bluntly. It wasn’t no more than strategy. Pure strategy. The damn woman never seized to amaze him. “We need him to convince Jack to give me the divorce. And Ella.”

“What about Ana?” Sawyer asked quietly. It was like she had it all planned out, he didn’t even had a say in it.

“Who do you think scares Jack the most? His father or his lover? My money’s on the Daddy Surgeon.” Kate mocked lightly. She took another sip of the cold coffee and made a unpleasant face. “This is awful. How can you drink it?”

Sawyer was amazed. She was like a little girl, like her little girl, talking fast and cracking jokes. It was almost as if she had released that serious and sensible part of her that came with her attachment to the Doc, as if she had just lost five years. He watched in awe as she hopped down from the counter, not careful enough to hide herself under the shirt and started to walk towards the bathroom. He was still distracted when he heard her joyful voice.

“Sawyer? You coming?” she asked, stretching an open hand in his direction, inviting him. He stared at the hand, still a bit lost.

“Where?” he asked, and she rolled her eyes and laughed. She looked like an ennamorate teenager. And strangely enough, that was getting to a side of him that wasn’t exactly decent.

“Take a shower? Come on. We smell like each other.” She stated, pulling him along with her.

“I like your smell.” He added with a dirty smile.


-------------------------

Almost an hour had passed when they left the shower, both in such a state of euphoria that it was almost scary. Damn, he was about to break his own record. He didn’t know he had that much stamina. And neither did she, he thought with a smile.

Kate put on her clothes from the previous night: a pair of jeans and a tight purple shirt. Pulling her hair up in a bun as he watched her, mesmerized, she smiled a bit as she watched his abs, his back and his legs, while he put on a pair of dark jeans and a black shirt.

They were still on that state of grace when a broken, sad noise invaded the room. It was a mix between the scratch of the nails on the blackboard and the noise of a car passing by, which led Kate to think the world was about to end. Looking over at Sawyer, she found the calm she needed on his eyes, closed with annoyance.

“Door bell.” He stated.

“That’s your door bell? It’s like a cat being tortured.” She laughed as Sawyer passed her by and went to get the door. Kate turned around and somehow, wasn’t surprised to see Ana Lucia storm into the small apartment, dropping her coat on the couch and screaming at Sawyer.

“What do you think you’re doing? Beating Jack up? I said I wouldn’t beat your girl up, so why did you beat my guy?” she asked, not noticing Kate, who was standing in the bedroom doorway with a vaguely amused expression. Sawyer grabbed her arm and pulled her closer, staring at her eyes threateningly. Still, she wasn’t scared. Kate could see her defiant and proud as ever, and she suddenly realized they must have had this kind of fight several times.

“He almost killed her.” He growled, loud enough for Kate to hear it. Ana freed herself from his grip and looked away, placing her hands on her hips.

“I don’t care! I said I wouldn’t beat her up if...”

“You were gonna beat me up?” Kate asked with a laugh, not moving from where she was standing. Ana looked over at her and turned around, irritated. Sawyer looked at her pointedly, as if he thought she was still in the bedroom. Clearly, Kate was the only one having fun with the situation.

“You could have told me she was here, assh*le!” Ana said and Sawyer just raised his hands in defeat and let himself fall on the couch. Kate was now trying to conceal a smile and moving in Ana’s direction.

“I could take you, you know?” Kate said with a smile as moved past Ana and went over to the kitchenette, starting to make some coffee. Ana followed her with a playful smile.

“No doubt you could.” She smirked as she said this. “With your cooking and your high class food.”

“You provoking me? ‘Cause I think you are.” Kate said playfully. Her euphoria wouldn’t let her react in any other way. And apparently, Ana was in a similar state.

“Nooooo, how could I?” Ana laughed and stopped moving for a bit, staring at Kate while she made coffee. There was something about her, something different. There was something more, a different energy, a different life. “You’re glowing.” She stated in a low tone. Kate smiled at her as Sawyer got up from the couch, looking over at them with a scared expression.

“You come into my house, Freckles is making you breakfast and now you start talking like a damn girl? Your freaking me out!” he said, half laughing, half angry.

“He calls you Freckles? How do you let him call you Freckles?” Ana looked over at Sawyer with a smile. “Freckles is a dog name.”

Sawyer stared at her.

“Unbelievable!” and with this usual line, he stormed out of the living room, slamming the door. The women shared a look and started to laugh quietly.


----------------------------


Sometime later, while Sawyer was still in the bedroom, Ana and Kate were sitting on the kitchenette stools and talking lightly. Ana had met Jack at his and Kate’s house after Sawyer had taken her away. She had been the one to call Christian and tell him what had happened. Christian had insisted that Jack should take to the Cape house, to avoid the talking about his bruises. He knew there would be some talking, if the high-class surgeon showed up to one of his meetings or surgeries with his face cut open and his eye black. A bar-fight would be the least, but eventually the truth would come out. Damage control, that was all Ana and Christian could do. So, Ana had taken him away and Chris had taken his place with the surgeries that were scheduled.

Jack hadn’t asked for Ella. He was barely conscious when his father and his lover took him out of the house, but even later, when he was talking like crazy about how much he wanted to kill that ‘redneck bastard’ , he hadn’t had a word for his girl. No surprises in that department, Kate thought. How predictable was that?

He would probably stay in the Cape for three or four days, enough time for Kate to go home and get some of her and Ella’s stuff. Ana offered to help, and she was sure Sawyer would do that task gladly. Ana seemed to want to get done with the process as fast as she could. Kate couldn’t really blame her. She knew how much she had wanted Sawyer, how impatient she had gotten.

Ana had just been with Christian, and approved the idea of Kate talking to him. He was reluctant to believe in Jack’s story that the cowboy had just entered the house and beaten him to exhaustion, and Kate would be just what he needed to stop believing Jack’s lies. Kate noticed that, as they speak, Ana avoided looking at her face, as if she didn’t want to see what Jack had done.

“Why do you love him?” Kate asked in a low tone, making Ana raise her eyes from the coffee mug and look up at her. For the first time, she looked straight at the purple stain on Kate’s cheek, looking away after she had absorbed enough of it.

“How can I love a man that has done that to you, is what you want to ask.” She said in a similar voice to Kate’s. “In the same way you can love a man that has tried to con you. You just do, you don’t know how.”

They stood in silence for a while, both trying to let that sentence sink and find it’s place in their minds. It was a statement, more than anything. It was the proof that they were alike, Ana and Kate, that they were no more than two women in love. Which was scary and exciting at the same time, and still, somewhat doomed.

Kate sighed, hopping down from the stool and placing her mug in the sink.

“I better go check what he’s doing.” She said, and moved towards the bedroom door, which she opened slowly, trying not no make a noise. He was lying on the bed, facing down, his light snore audible. Kate brought two fingers up to her mouth, trying to contain a giggle, as she kneeled beside him and lowered herself to his side, her face in front of his, his breath on her mouth. They were so close that Kat had to sight the urge to kiss his mouth; instead, she propped herself up on her elbows and kissed his cheek lightly, moving up to his forehead and kissing it, tracing her very own road to perdition on his face.

“Sawyer? Wake up.” She whispered in his ear, while nibbling his earlobe. “C’mon, cowboy. I’m here.”

The only response she got was a low growl, indicating he was nowhere near waking up. Feeling a little annoyed, Kate prepared to get up from the bed, but a firm grip caught her from behind and made her fall on he bed again. In a split second, Sawyer was laying on top of her, kissing her passionately.

The kiss lasted longer than they were both expecting. There was no rush, so they took their time savoring each other’s mouths, learning each other. There wasn’t just one kiss, there were several, one right after the other, no pause between them. Kate felt drunk, as they finally came apart and were both dizzy and breathless.

“Hell...” he muttered, as he tried to regain the air he had lost in the kiss.

“Ana’s out there” Kate sighed “and we gotta go meet Christian.”

Sawyer sighed and got up from the bed, pulling Kate with him and opening the bedroom door. They found Ana sitting on the counter, looking out the window. When they both emerged from the bedroom, their faces blushed and their hands tied together, Ana looked away and smiled a little.

“You two weren’t... you know.” She asked with a laugh. Kate’s face reached up to a brighter tone of red, while Sawyer opened his mouth, shocked.

“God, Lulu, what do you take us for?” he asked, mockingly.

“A pair of horny lovebirds, with no respect whatsoever for the society rules and with a thing for fairytale endings?” she smiled.

“Shut up, Ana!” Sawyer and Kate spoke at the exact same time, making Ana laugh and roll her eyes.

“Come on! You two are disgusting.” She hopped down from the counter and picked her coat up from the couch. “You guys coming or what? It’s almost 6pm. Christian’s waiting.” She said, opening the front door and exiting towards the hall. Kate followed her, while Sawyer stood behind admiring the view as both women strolled down to the elevator. When they both stopped and looked back, Sawyer raised his eyes and smiled, the usual cocky smile that won the world.

“Hey, I was just admiring...”

This time it was Kate and Ana’s voice that came out in unison.

“Shut up, Sawyer!”

I love and miss this fic :jack:

:hug: