http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2004/003/1.32.html

Marriage Partnership, Fall 2004

The Real Thing
Through the years we've discovered what true God-love is and what it isn't—and what that means for our marriage.
By Mike and Debbie Breaux with Ginger Kolbaba


Growing up I (Mike) had all kinds of confusion about the crazy little thing called love. In the fifth grade, I got my first crush on Kathy. She had that Laura Ingles Wilder thing going, with the braided pigtails. So cute! I chased her at recess. I threw rocks at her. All the ways you show affection in the fifth grade.

By high school my dating techniques changed—thankfully! I started to date Debbie. I remember sitting with her in a movie theater. My heart would pound because I wanted to hold her hand so badly! But I was shy. I'd go into this countdown mode. Ten, nine, eight … ten, nine …

It took me forever to grab her hand. But when I did,

I thought, This is love.

On our wedding day, Debbie walked down the aisle.

I thought, This is love.

Three years later I watched that girl go through 36 hours of labor to bring our first child into the world. And that's when I knew what love is.


Fake it till you make it. The "faking-it" part is saying, I'm going to decide to do the right thing.

A lot of people say love is blind. We think it's just the opposite. Love sees things no one else sees. It sees both the potential and the flaws in your spouse. But if you have God's love, you love in spite of them.

Jesus said in essence, "You want to know what life is about? Let me boil it down to two simple things: Love God; love people." That's what marriage is about.

In fact, the apostle Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 14: "Let love be your highest goal." He writes again in Galatians 5:6, "The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love." If that's the only thing that matters, then we want to spend our life learning to love God and each other.

Here are eight lessons we've discovered about what love means to our marriage.

1. Love is plugged into the right power source.
There are several kinds of love. There's the generic brand X, based on feelings, and then there's this extraordinary love, the kind God has for us that's fueled by his supernatural power. The reason so many of us struggle with love is that we're not plugged into the right power source.

Paul tells us how to get this love in Galatians 5:22: "When the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love …" And Peter writes in 2 Peter 1:3, "As we know Jesus better, his divine power gives us everything we need for living a godly life." Love is a byproduct of our intimacy with God. The same supernatural power that blew a rock off a tomb and gave life to a dead man is in us, guiding, stretching, and prompting us to do the right thing, convicting us when we do the wrong thing.

As we intentionally imitate Jesus throughout our day, there's this unexplainable surge of power and energy that enables us to love in ways we're incapable of on our own.

Love lesson: If you fall in love with God, really fall in love with God, you'll notice a difference in your love toward your spouse.

We each study and personalize the Bible and memorize specific verses to continually renew our minds to God's power and character. If we fail to do that, our culture and society will shape our minds in the opposite direction.

2. Love is an act of will.
Our culture equates love with the emotional, feeling part. One of the songs we grew up with suggests, "You've Lost that Lovin' Feeling." As though we misplaced it, or as if it's an emotion that involuntarily comes and goes.

Love, according to God, is a decision. It's an act of the will more than it's an act of a hormone.

We decide to love our spouse, even when we don't feel like it.

When Mike does something to annoy or frustrate me (Debbie), I know that the Holy Spirit can hold my tongue and I can choose to say the right thing. But sometimes, it's easier to say, God, I'm mad right now. I don't want to hear from you. I know it may wreck my marriage. I know I can never take it back, but I'm going to say it anyway. Because I'll feel so much better. But you know, I don't feel better. That's because I chose not to love.

Love lesson: When you don't feel those loving feelings, behave as though you do. AA has a slogan, "Fake it till you make it." We're not saying to be inauthentic. The "faking-it" part is saying, I'm going to decide to do the right thing. When we determine to treat our spouse with love—even when we don't feel like it—those feelings eventually catch up with our right behavior.

3. Love is approachable.
Am I approachable? Am I intimidating or testy? Does my tone or body language suggest that I'm superior?

Sometimes we react in ways that shut down communication. One Saturday morning a few weeks ago, Mike was putting in an underground dog fence. I (Debbie) was frustrated because it was a slow process, and he was frustrated that I was frustrated that it was a slow process. Every time we'd mention it, it became a hot topic. Finally, we got into a spat. Mike raised his voice, and I didn't speak to him the rest of the night. We weren't exactly approachable.

That Sunday we heard a sermon on gentleness. We came home, hugged, and apologized. We constantly pray to be more like Jesus—who was so approachable.

Love lesson: Approachability is when you have the right tone, the right body language, and the right timing.

In 1 John 4:18 the apostle John writes, "Perfect love casts out fear." It's approachable.

4. Love touches.
If we're struggling with love, sometimes it's because we're moving too fast. We've got places to go, things to do. But the faster we move, the less time we have even to notice our spouse let alone love him or her.

If love is the "highest goal," if it's "the only thing that counts," we have to slow down.

When our kids got to be school-age, we were constantly running them to their practices and lessons. Our relationship was disappearing. So we made a commitment to have breakfast together every Monday morning. That was our time to rekindle our love for each other—plus it's a cheap date! We've done that now for more than 10 years.

Too often we're moving so fast that we're exhausted and running on fumes.

One of the reasons Jesus loved so supremely is that he unplugged and had regular times of rest and replenishment. He'd find a solitary place for rest, so he could pursue the highest goal of love with all his energy.

Love lesson: Sometimes the most loving thing we can do is, like Jesus, rest and replenish our physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual tank. Go to bed earlier. Get healthier. Put breaks in your schedule. Build in personal alone time and time with the church community to refill your empty spiritual tank. It takes energy to love deeply.

5. Love convicts us.
When our kids were little, we had one car. I (Mike) would take the bus to work. One day I went to use the car, and it was a mess! There were Happy Meal wrappers on the floor and graham crackers and gummi worms stuck everywhere. I lost it!

I walked in the house and said some things I shouldn't have. Then Debbie got mad. She said, "The way this arrangement works right now is that the house is my responsibility and the car is your responsibility." So I went out to the car, gathered all the trash and junk, took it in the house, and dumped it on the living room floor. I said, "Now it's your responsibility."

We just started laughing. How stupid that we would both be that selfish!

Love lesson: Love doesn't hold a grudge. When we've blown it with each other, a worldly kind of love would say, Move on. Don't admit you messed up. But God's love says, Go make it right.

6. Love isn't selfish.
When we've counseled couples, inevitably one spouse will complain, "But I'm always the one to make the first move." When we think that way, it makes the situation worse. But the Bible says, "As far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18).

A newly married couple came to me (Mike) for counseling. They were ready to call it quits. As I listened to their story, I said, "Let me cut through all this, and put it bluntly. Right now, both of you are just being selfish. If you start honoring each other above yourself, like the Bible says, a lot of this stuff would go away." They looked at me like, Should we hit him now? But after a few moments, they said, "You're right."

I told them to list ways they were being selfish and share that with each other. Then they would conversely say, "We're going to start doing this a different way, even though we don't feel like it."

They've now been married almost 16 years. Every time we see them, they say, "We'll never forget that time in your office. You told us not to be selfish and to start faking it like we really liked each other. And we really like each other now."

Love lesson: You can give without loving, but you can't love without giving. "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself. You should not look to your own interest but also the interests of others" (Philippians 2:3-4). That's a golden rule for marriage.

7. Love isn't demeaning.
Love leads us to be honest, but gentle. We don't use inflammatory words that will automatically throw up a wall, such as You always and You never. Those are seldom true, and they damage a person's emotional health. Demeaning words can squash love quickly and painfully—especially when they're said in public.

We were talking with a couple at a party a few years ago when the wife started listing her husband's shortcomings. While she made it sound funny, we watched her embarrassed husband seemingly get smaller and smaller.

At the beginning of our marriage, we made a covenant never to say demeaning things to each other.

There was one time when Mike was telling about a vacation we'd taken in August. I thought, We took that vacation in September, not August. But I didn't say anything until we got in the car. I told him, "You were wrong on that one. It was September. But I didn't want to embarrass you."

Love lesson: Love watches out for the other person's self-esteem. What's more important, getting an insignificant fact straight? Or honoring my spouse by watching out for his self-esteem?

8. Love honors and treasures.
Several years into our marriage I (Mike) noticed Debbie doing little, seemingly insignificant things for me, which she never mentioned. If there's one piece of pie left, she'll leave it for me. Or if there's a fat, fluffy towel and a skinny towel, she takes the skinny, worn out one.

In Romans 12:10, Paul says to honor each other above yourself. To honor means to say, You're worth so much more to me than I am to me. Peter talks about honoring when he writes, "Husbands, treat [your wife] with respect as the weaker partner" (1 Peter 3:7). Not inferior. I think of it this way: I've got an old coffee mug. I couldn't care less if it rolls around the floor of my truck. But if I did the same thing with a china teacup, I'd be in trouble. Peter's saying treasure your wife as something that's valuable.

Love lesson: Treasure encompasses respect, honor, submission, and service. It's a two-way thing. We want to feel as though we're really worth something in our spouse's eyes.

Sometimes you do everything you can as far as it depends on you, but the other person won't walk at the same pace and things don't get rebuilt. Seek help. Seek God. Ask for his strength to love. Always.

In Ephesians 5 as Paul writes about marriage, he says, "I'm talking about a great mystery here. I'm talking about Christ and the church." When you have a healthy marriage it reflects to the world, This is the way God loves. This is the way the Trinity interacts, with selfless, honoring, sacrificial, approachable love. As a married couple we can reflect that to the world better than we could as individuals. Maybe that's why God put the two of us together.

Mike Breaux is a teaching pastor at Willow Creek Community Church in Illinois. Debbie Breaux is a Bible study leader.

Love Check-Up
by Mike Breaux


Since love is the "highest goal,"
I regularly do a heart-check to see how
I'm doing in the love department. I look
at 1 Corinthians 13, and take out the
words love is and insert I am. After I
read this passage I ask myself, Are
these things becoming true of me?

"I am patient and kind.
I am not jealous or boastful
or proud or rude.
I do not demand my own way.
I am not irritable, and I keep no record
of when I have been wronged.
I am never glad about injustice
but rejoice whenever the truth wins out.
I never give up, never lose faith,
I am always hopeful and
I endure through every circumstance" (NLT).


Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Fall 2004, Vol. 21, No. 3, Page 32

http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2004/003/3.38.html

Marriage Partnership, Fall 2004

A Loving Focus
To Dr. James and Shirley Dobson, unconditional love is a decision—one that requires more than the leftovers of their time.


In a recent mp survey, we asked, "Which marriage expert do you trust most?" The top name, given by 72 percent of you: Dr. James Dobson. It's easy to see why! As founder of Focus on the Family, author of numerous best-sellers—including Night Light (Multnomah), which he coauthored with his wife, Shirley—and host of a daily radio program heard by more than 2 million people, Dr. Dobson has, in many ways, led the effort to strengthen marriages.

"Commitment is sorely missing in so many modern marriages," writes Dobson in his book Romantic Love (Regal). "I love you, they seem to say, as long as I feel attracted to you—or as long as someone else doesn't look better—or as long as it is to my advantage to continue the relationship. … I have developed a lifelong love for my wife, but it was not something I fell into. I grew into it, and that process took time." In a culture that believes we can fall in and out of love, the Dobsons know that love is more than a fickle emotion—it's a commitment of will. And that love commitment has lasted 44 years.

That's why we were eager to interview the Dobsons about how that worked for the two of them.

How is your love toward each other different from when you were first married?

Dr. Dobson: Our love hasn't changed at all in 44 years, except to become more mature and satisfying. Our relationship has changed a bit, however. While we've always gotten along and enjoyed each other's company, like almost every bride and groom, we worked our way through early areas of minor conflict when we were "staking out territory." These little disagreements were resolved, but from them came greater understanding of each other. I've never known a family that didn't experience these points of tension between two imperfect human beings learning to come to terms with each other.


When partners affirm each other by acknowledging the other person's best qualities, they will never have to experience the fear of being unloved.

Now, four decades later, Shirley and I have less need to defend our "rights" or establish what is or is not acceptable. The early confrontations are essentially over. We've reached a point of loving homeostasis based on mutual respect and deep understanding of each other. It's a wonderful thing that happens between a woman and a man whose hearts are linked soul to soul.

Shirley: I agree with everything Jim said. My love and respect for him has grown year by year. If I had one evening to spend with any person on earth, there's no one I'd rather be with than Jim. It's been that way for 44 years, from the beginning to this moment.

Was there ever a time when you experienced a serious strain on your love?

SD: When Jim and I were dating, I got used to seeing his romantic side. He'd do little things to surprise me. Once he hid a love note in a Coke bottle. I felt cherished and special, and never questioned his devotion to me. But life quickly became more hectic for us after we married. At the beginning, Jim was working on his graduate degree and I taught school. Then the Lord began to bless our work, and children came along, and before we knew it, we hit a point where we desperately needed some time alone.

So we sent the children to my mother's house and drove six hours to a ski lodge. That weekend turned out to be a highlight of our marriage; we felt like kids again as we talked about the past and reconnected with each other. We determined right then that we would make time for a private rendezvous at least once a year.

I recommend that every couple look for those special times together. It doesn't need to be expensive or exotic. Being alone together is what matters.

What does it mean for you to love each other unconditionally?

JD: It's important to remember that, as flawed and selfish human beings, it's impossible to love one's spouse unconditionally all the time. Each of us will experience moments of weakness when we're more interested in our own comfort and needs than we are in loving and serving our mate. Early in our marriage, I learned that this principle can apply even to sleeping habits! I don't know why, but it seems that Shirley can fall asleep only if she's snuggled up against my back. To accommodate her, I've gone to sleep on my left side for decades, hoping against hope that my internal organs won't all slide to that side of my body permanently. If that's not unconditional love, I don't know what is! (Laughter.)

In all seriousness, I endeavored to sum up the importance of selfless, unconditional love in my book Love for a Lifetime: "There are two kinds of people in the world, the givers and the takers. A marriage between two givers can be a beautiful thing. Friction is the order of the day, however, for a giver and a taker. But two takers can claw each other to pieces within a period of six weeks. In short, selfishness will devastate a marriage every time."

What has being a giver, not a taker, meant for the two of you?

JD: During our first few years of marriage, I invested a great deal of my time—and our money—in completing my Ph.D. The tuition was horrendous for a young couple to handle. As a result, Shirley couldn't buy new furniture or make upgrades to our tiny house, and we shared a Volkswagen. It was definitely a tough time for us financially, but she never once complained. In fact, her support, even in the face of financial uncertainty, gave me the confidence I needed to complete the task at hand.

SD: And Jim certainly took his turn being the supportive one when God opened the door for me to become Chairman of the National Day of Prayer. Despite some busy, stressful days, he's done all he could to support my calling—and I know he'll continue to do so in the years to come.

The Bible commands us to love one another. Have you ever obeyed that command even when tempted not to?

JD: When Focus on the Family moved from Southern California to Colorado Springs, it was tough on Shirley, in particular. Most women, by their very nature, want to put down roots and to have a sense of stability in their lives, and that's certainly what we had in California. We were surrounded by close friends; we were actively involved in church; and many of our extended family members lived nearby. However, when it became clear that the Lord was opening the door for Focus on the Family to relocate to Colorado, I was much more excited about the idea than Shirley was.

She was so distressed over the possibility of uprooting our family and heading into the great unknown that she cried herself to sleep periodically for months and even lost 14 pounds. Nevertheless, when Focus on the Family's board of directors gave the go-ahead to move to Colorado, Shirley honored me by saying, "Let's go!" She still had her reservations, of course, but she didn't put up a fight. Her response to that difficult transition demonstrated not only her unconditional love for me but her willingness to surrender in faith to what was clearly the Lord's will for us.

SD: That was a difficult move! But I became willing and able to go, not only because I knew God had a plan for us, but because I believed in Jim and knew that he honors God's leading. I've never seen him compromise on something he thought was what God wanted of him. It's a privilege to follow a man like that.

Because marriage is a continual growth process, what steps have you taken to safeguard your love for each other?

JD: The biggest enemy of marriage today is "busy-ness," or over-commitment. It's likely many couples can identify with the challenges we faced at the beginning of my career. I was running a rat race, working long hours at the USC School of Medicine, counseling, writing, and speaking several times per month. I also served as a Sunday school teacher and superintendent of youth at our church during that time. At one point, I looked at the calendar and realized that I had commitments for the next 17 nights in a row, without a break! Even though I had Shirley's interests as well as my own at heart in pursuing my education, we were beginning to drift apart as a result of my heavy workload.

I resolved to take off a year from my studies in order to spend more time with her and to focus my energies where they belonged—on our marriage. Even today, as Shirley and I both face numerous responsibilities at Focus on the Family and the National Day of Prayer, we make every effort to set aside quality time each day to focus on each other and to "reconnect."

SD: Even when we've been most busy, we have found time to pray and enjoy private times together. Jim's writing trips have offered special opportunities once per year to be together, just the two of us. We're usually away for approximately six weeks, and Jim and I find these opportunities wonderfully refreshing.

What would you say to other couples who want to keep their love alive and strong?

JD: We live in a fast-paced and demanding world, and husbands and wives must work hard, particularly during the early years of marriage, when it's difficult to make ends meet. However, if the only time couples see each other is at the end of the day, when they're both exhausted and irritable, their relationship will inevitably suffer.

This is particularly true in cases where the husband is grossly overcommitted while the wife is at home caring for a preschooler. Her profound loneliness can lead to feelings of discontent and depression that are lethal to marital harmony. No matter what life stage they're in, couples must reserve quality time for each other if they want to keep their love alive. For a husband to love his wife unconditionally, he must make her his top priority. Similarly, for the wife who wants to show unconditional love to her husband, the most important gift she can give him is her time.

SD: It's critical for spouses to build each other's self-esteem whenever possible. In our devotional, Night Light, we share the story of a World War II fighter pilot who had his face burned beyond recognition in battle. Despite his disfigurement, his fiancée told him nothing had changed, and she married him two years later. He later said that she became his mirror, projecting to him an image of himself that let him know he was good and worthy.

When partners affirm each other by acknowledging the other person's best qualities—even during times of disagreement or struggle—they will never have to experience the fear of being unloved. Despite surface arguments that will erupt from time to time, unconditional love means we can be confident in the strong foundation of trust and respect that lies beneath.

Copyright © 2004 by the author or Christianity Today International/Marriage Partnership magazine. Click here for reprint information on Marriage Partnership.
Fall 2004, Vol. 21, No. 3, Page 38

http://www.christianitytoday.com/singles/n.../mind30611.html

Whose Line Is It Anyway?
by Camerin Courtney
June 11, 2003
There was a time when the burning question, "How far is too far?" immediately brought to my mind the concept of sexual temptation in dating relationships. You know, questions about the gray area between hand-holding and sex.

But recently the question of "How far is too far?" has taken on a whole new meaning—in short, what lengths is it okay to go to in order to get into said dating relationship? When you desire to be in a relationship and already have checked out all the prospects in your workplace, church, and neighborhood, what do you do?

Possible answers to that question seem to beckon every time I get my mail (I'm not quite sure when single ceased simply being my status and also became a way to greet me … as in Dear Single), turn on my computer (as in Looking for love? Click here!), or flip through a newspaper (SDCM seeks SCF for friendship … maybe more, and the like).

In fact, a recent Friday night found me at my favorite coffee shop browsing the personal ads in a local paper with two single friends (one of my favorite guilty pleasures). Occasionally one of us read an especially lovey-dovey or ludicrous ad to the others. And once or twice a heavy sigh might have escaped my lips when I read one that seemed tailor made for me. I've gotta admit, I've been tempted to reply to one or two of these. But some nagging reservation holds me back.

When I'm really honest, I know it's a bit about my pride. I fear people will think I'm desperate for responding to a personal ad, and I wonder why my married friends didn't have to resort to an Internet dating service—when that sometimes seems like my best option. What does that say about me? Not to mention the whole idea that finding my lifelong love via a newspaper or computer isn't exactly the stuff I'd imagined telling to my grandchildren someday.

But really, I can get over these mental hurdles (and any lingering doubts were quickly quelled when a friend oh-so-helpfully pointed out that becoming crazy spinster Aunt Cam someday if I don't use any of these services would far overshadow any momentary embarrassment now). It's a different nagging issue that really holds me back, an issue I heard echoed when I was chatting with a group of single friends this past weekend. One of the women, a friend of a friend who was visiting from out of town and who told us that in her corner of the country the single population is quite sparse, wondered aloud if taking advantage of these Internet services and personal ads is at all akin to lacking trust in God and his timing. I breathed a silent amen. I admit that often I'm not sure where my role ends and God's begins in the whole locating the love of my life issue.

Does the fact that I've yet to marry mean God still has things for me to learn and accomplish in this season? Or does it mean I just haven't run into the right guy for me yet and need to keep my eyes open? Would allowing others to set me up on dates or taking a class in order to meet new people be a logical step for one who desires to wed? Or would that somehow signal a lack of trust in God's higher ways and different timetable? And was that month I signed up for an Internet dating service proactive or just pathetic?

Some singles compare looking for a mate to searching for a new job: We pray for guidance while simultaneously perusing want ads, circulating resumes, and going on any job interviews we can land, all the while trusting God to open the right door. Others, such as one Single File reader who wrote me a few months ago, give God a much larger role. This reader asserted that if God wants her to be married, that even if she were stranded on a desert island, he'd still bring her Mr. Right to her. (Though at that point, I would hope her priority would be a boat, not a man!)

Of these two options, I lean more toward the first. When I look at the Bible and the way God has traditionally worked amidst his people, action is usually required on our part. Joshua and the Israelites had to wade into the Jordan before it would begin to part (Joshua 3:7-17). Several times Jesus commanded people to wash in a river (John 9:1-7) or to rise and pick up their mat (John 5:1-9) before they would be healed. Time and again, God works in our action, meeting us in our steps of faith.

But then I recall the times God's people ran ahead of him, such as Old Testament Sarah who was tired of waiting for God to provide her with a child and offered her husband her servant girl, Hagar, to "lay with" and produce an offspring (Genesis 16:1-4). History has proven what a colossal mistake that was. And it's easy for proactive to border on obsessive, giving us tunnel vision as we go about trying to orchestrate all the details of our lives.

So somehow I'm left trying to strike a balance between sitting back and expecting God to do all the work and forging ahead in my quest to single-handedly craft my own future. As with so many things in life—the single life especially—I know the answer lies somewhere between the extremes, in that murky territory that's much more difficult to navigate.

But I began to see signposts when the conversation continued with those single friends this past weekend and one woman shared that she often prays for God to help her be appropriately available to the right guys. And when I remember that God works in unique ways in different people's lives—that some people marry their childhood sweetheart and others find world-wide wedded bliss—I find comfort and take delight in a God whose creative ways never cease to surprise me. And underneath it all I'm thankful (albeit, sometimes begrudgingly so) for a life stage that forces independent me to rely on God so deeply and continuously.

So tonight I'm headed to a speed-dating event, armed with my sense of humor, a prayer for God's guidance and discernment, and my favorite flirty shoes. I'll keep doing my part, and trusting God to meet me as I use those shoes to inch forward in wise—and sometimes wacky—steps of faith.

Blessings!
Camerin Courtney

http://www.boundless.org/2000/regulars/off...s/a0000254.html

What if we love each other?
by J. Budziszewski



QUESTION:
Dear Professor Theophilus:

I have a question that may sound a little bit hypocritical coming from a follower of Jesus, but I wanted to ask someone I could trust, who didn't know me, and who wouldn't release my name. I've really enjoyed the tips and articles here on the Boundless webzine, and my mother listens to Focus on the Family all the time on the radio, so I am really familiar with you guys.

I have been in Christian school for most of my life, I go to a wonderful church, and my family all love and serve the Lord. My girlfriend was responsible for getting me to join my current church; she is truly my gift from God.

This brings me to my point. My girlfriend and I have been together for nearly a year now, and we would get married if not for our remaining years in college. She can envision our future together, as can I, all ordained by God and blessed by our pastor. We recently decided to engage in sexual intercourse. We both had questions about our decision to do this and we both decided to seek advice before deciding to have sex again. We are truly in love, and we connected spiritually before we even decided to have sex. After intercourse, we felt an even closer bond than ever before. Without a doubt, we are mentally, spiritually and emotionally married; our marriage is only missing a ring, a preacher and a church ceremony to make it official.

If we make sure that we use protection, is it really that wrong for us to engage in making love? The Lord frowns on promiscuity, but we are not being promiscuous. The Lord values lifelong commitment and the two of us are as committed as a couple can be. I would like your opinion on this matter as we are both praying and seeking an answer.

PROFESSOR THEOPHILUS REPLIES:

I'm glad you and your girlfriend have decided to seek advice before having sexual intercourse again. Because you've been frank with me, and because you've asked me to "lay it on the line" for you, that's exactly what I'll do.

The situation in which you find yourself is not uncommon. You see, sexual intercourse tends to produce the same powerful feelings of "rightness" whether it's right or not. That's one of the reasons your feelings are only a blind guide. An even better reason not to trust your feelings is this: In the Bible, God has plainly reserved sex for marriage. He's made this so clear that there is no possibility of an honest mistake. When you had sex, then, you weren't being honest with yourselves about His will. That made your thoughts and feelings even more confused, because you had to start playing even more tricks on your conscience to cover up the first one.

However, God has been merciful to you and your girl friend. He wants what's good for you, so He made you just uncomfortable enough about your excuses to write to me. Let me give you a list of your self-deceptions — of the tricks you've been playing on your conscience.

First trick: Not telling yourselves the truth about commitment. Here's how you know you have a commitment: When you're married, you have one, and when you're not married, you don't. Before the marriage ceremony, everything is reversible — your thoughts, your feelings, even your intention to get married. As a matter of fact, people who have sex outside marriage usually don't wind up marrying each other. Nope, not even when the thought of getting married was their reason for having sex.

Second trick: Not telling yourselves the truth about marriage. Face it: You're not married. Feeling married doesn't make you married; having sex doesn't make you married. What makes you married is a solemn public promise, in front of God and the assembly of His people, to love, honor and live with each other, as husband and wife, until death. The reason you have to do it in front of the rest of your worship community is that at the same time the two of you make a vow before God to each other, all those witnesses make a vow before God to hold you to your promise. You haven't made yours; they haven't made theirs.

Third trick: Not telling yourselves the truth about God's rules. In the Bible, God forbids all sex outside marriage. You've softened this to forbidding "promiscuity." Limiting your sexual disobedience to a single person doesn't turn it into obedience. Neither does limiting it to someone whom you think you would like to marry, or to someone with whom you have enjoyed God's blessings in the past. Neither does calling it "making love."

Fourth trick: Not telling yourselves the truth about God's authority. When you tell yourselves that using "protection" will make sexual sin okay, you're trying to go over God's head. You're making a guess about the reason for His rule, then thinking that if you can get around the reason, you don't have to obey the rule. But God hasn't told you "Use protection." What He's told you is "Don't have sex outside marriage." Another way to think of it is this: Anything that turns a precious gift like children into something from which you think you need "protection" has got to be terribly wrong.

Fifth trick: Not telling yourselves the truth about your own motives. When you ask God in prayer whether it's okay to have sex outside marriage, you're only pretending, because you know He has already answered that question in His Scriptures. You see, God doesn't contradict Himself; He doesn't say one thing in the Bible and another thing when you pray. If He has already told you what to do, then asking Him "What should I do?" isn't a way to find His will, but to avoid it. He says to you, "Why do you keep asking me questions I've already answered?"

So what do you do now? Before anything else, you and your girl friend need to repent. That means admitting to yourselves, and to God, that you've disobeyed Him; it means admitting to yourselves, and to God, that you've been playing tricks on your conscience; it means being sorry; it means telling Him that you're sorry; and it means reversing course. If your girl friend doesn't want to repent, that doesn't get you off the hook, because you will just have to repent by yourself. You'll have to do that even if she becomes angry, even if she threatens to break off the relationship, and even if she does break off the relationship.

After repenting, ask God to forgive you through Jesus Christ. Then ask Him for strength to resist future sexual temptations — because by giving in once, you've made it harder to resist the next time. Finally, agree now to avoid the tempting situations — situations like being alone together. I'll bet you didn't know that the more time a couple spends alone together, the more likely they are to wind up in bed! That's true even if they begin with a firm intention of abstinence.

By the way, when you and your girlfriend do pray to God, you should pray separately too — prayer time is probably the worst of all times to be alone together. As Ben Young and Sam Adams write in their book The Ten Commandments of Dating, two of the most powerful drives in human nature are the sex drive and the spiritual drive. If you put both drives together, they'll be too strong for you. There will be plenty of time to pray alone together after you're married.

Here are some words of mercy for you to remember as you pray:

"Come unto me, all ye that travail and are heavy laden, and I will refresh you" (Matthew 11:28, KJV).

"God so loved the world, that He gave His only-begotten Son, to the end that all that believe in Him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16).

"This is a true saying, and worthy of all men to be received, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" (1 Timothy 1:15).

"If any man sin, we have an Advocate with the Father, Jesus Christ the Righteous; and He is the perfect offering for our sins, and not for ours only, but for the sins of the whole world" (1 John 2:1-2).

One last thing. Don't make the deadly mistake of telling yourselves, "We'll sin again, but it will be all right because God will forgive us." Yes, God does forgive, but there is no forgiveness without repentance. By deliberately sinning, you're really training yourselves to not repent. If you harden your heart before you sin, how do you know you'll be able to soften it up again afterward?

Grace and peace, Professor Theophilus

If you have questions you’d like to Ask Theo, send us an email and we'll pass it along to him.