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Title: For Christians: Articles On Dating And Sex


Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:02 PM (GMT)

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:02 PM (GMT)
http://www.joshharris.com/whatsnew/notevenahint.htm

Not Even a Hint: Guarding Your Heart Against Lust, by Josh Harris

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:03 PM (GMT)
http://www.familylife.com/articles/article_detail.asp?id=208

Tips for Remaining Sexually Pure
by National Coalition for the Protection of Children

Develop your own personal boundaries for sexual activity.
Make a choice to realign your peer group to include like-minded students who are committed to honoring God and their own personal boundaries in their character and conduct.

Find an accountability partner with whom you can be completely open, honest, and vulnerable who can help keep you from falling into temptation that could lead to sexual activity.

Share your pledge of sexual purity with significant relationships (parents, dates, close friends) to help underscore the seriousness of your commitment.

Make careful decisions about whom to date and where dating activity takes place.

If you make a bad choice, promptly admit it and get back on track.
Remind yourself often that premarital sexual activity can result in unwanted pregnancies, sexually transmitted disease, emotional problems, and spiritual problems, to name a few of the consequences.

Walk away, use the telephone, or call a parent or friend if you find yourself in a compromising situation.

Be of help to a friend in his or her fight to remain sexually pure.
Avoid all drugs and situations where they are likely to be present.
Avoid all drinking situations or occasions.

Don’t let yourself become overly dependent on another person.

Seek knowledgeable help when you feel weak.

Live in TODAY, not yesterday.

When in doubt, ask questions. The only stupid question is the one not asked.

Be willing to go to any lengths to stay sexually pure.

Be honest and consistent. These behaviors are fundamental to maintaining sexual purity.

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:03 PM (GMT)
http://www.boundless.org/2000/departments/...s/a0000168.html

(Don't) Kiss Me
by Bethany Patchin

Kiss me beneath the milky twilight. Lead me out on the moonlit floor. Lift your open hand. Strike up the band and make the fireflies dance, Silver moon's sparkling. So kiss me.
You might recognize this chorus, from one of the most popular Christian songs-gone-mainstream — it was #1 on the Billboard chart for two weeks in May of '99. It's "Kiss Me" by Sixpence None the Richer. Scan your radio channels for a minute and you're bound to catch the tune's signature descent of guitar chords and whimsical vocals.

In a recent Christian catalog I came across an endorsement for the self-titled Sixpence CD - "One of the most talked-about albums of the year!" From the discussions I've had with Christians my age, I believe it. All the talking can be summed up in a statement I found on a Christian listener's Amazon.com review:

"What in the world does 'Kiss Me' have to do with Jesus?"

It's a fair question, but I think it reveals a profound misunderstanding. You might as well ask: What does the Song of Solomon have to do with Jesus? It is called The Song of All Songs, though it never mentions God, Jesus or the Holy Spirit by name. Yet, it's an important book of the Bible because it teaches us that sexual intimacy (kissing included) in the right context is a gift from God. I'd bet Matt Slocum (songwriter and creative force behind SNTR) and lead singer Leigh Nash understand the connection between kissing and Christ, since they're both married.

I don't question Christian musicians singing a poem about kissing. I do question the rest of my Christian family separating such a deeply significant act from the One who designed it for us. Mind you, I understand their concerns. "I'm not thinking about God when I hear that song," a 22-year-old male friend of mine said. "I'm thinking about kissing my girlfriend. That's not very worshipful." My friend is trying to honestly assess his own motives, and he's right to do so. But he's missing the significance "Kiss Me" has in pointing toward an experience God intends as a type of worship. Worship literally means "to kiss the cheek of." I firmly believe that we are kissing the cheek of God when we take delight in the pleasures of intimacy with our marriage partners. Of course my friend was probably also right that he wasn't thinking worshipful thoughts. And here's where I get controversial. I also believe that kissing a romantic interest outside of marriage is not gratifying to God.

"Treat younger men as brothers ... and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity" (emphasis added) (1 Timothy 5:1b, 2b). There are two states of sexuality outlined in the Bible, celibacy and marriage — and during the transfer from the first to the second we are still under Paul's command of restraint.

Rethinking a Kiss
"Passionate kissing is: (1) a harmless recreational activity, (2) a godly way to show true love while dating, (3) something only married people should share, (4) a means of seducing your date."

My eyes were immediately drawn to the survey question-of-the-week at the Christian Web site www.singleness.org. Of the 302 people surveyed (I'd guess most were Christians), 27 chose the first answer, 76 chose the second, and 40 chose the last. Add that up and over 47 percent of them allowed that passionate kissing is acceptable outside of marriage.

Something only married people should share. I added my click and my vote to that group. At one point I might have chosen while dating, or even harmless recreational activity — but over the past few years I've found Bible verses that have convicted me otherwise. "Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well. Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers. May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth" (Proverbs 5:15-18).

'Never' covers all of time — before, during and after marriage. Since I'm not married yet, I am responsible for guarding my husband's 'fountain' (my body, which includes my lips) from strangers, even strangers who would only take a sip. I am attempting to rise to the challenge of Proverbs 31 — "a wife of noble character ... brings her husband good, not harm, all the days of her life." Men, likewise, are responsible for drinking only from their own wells, only from their own wives, and for staying away from mine.

Christians give the actual act of sexual intercourse a great deal of spiritual significance, yet we rarely examine the motives behind our casual exchanges of physical intimacy with brothers and sisters. We don't fully acknowledge sexual intimacy as a whole package; we don't realize that the beginning and ending of passion are inseparable. Most Christians of my generation would agree with the biblical teaching of physical purity as a goal. Yet when it comes to following up in action, we make the same mistakes as our supposedly more worldly peers. Why is that?

I believe it's partly because kissing is treated so nonchalantly — it's something we exchange between dates, and it's justifiable as long as the people involved are Christians and they don't take it "too far." It has little to do with God; it has been reduced to a touch exchanged between two, instead of its intended purpose of three-way communion between man, woman and God. The Bible never says "Thou shalt not kiss" so we assume Jesus doesn't come into our physical connections until we are on the way to marriage.

I'm a sophomore in college with virgin lips. A few months after turning 16, I vowed to keep my "bow" tied until a man promises to commit himself to the whole package. My first kiss will be from my husband on our wedding day. Yes, that's quite a progression, from an inexpert kiss at the altar to the complete unwrapping of the wedding night — believe me, my friends have pointed that out. Then again, Adam and Eve managed to figure everything out in a day.

God never intended the engagement period to be a time for physical experimenting, for peeking under the wrapping paper. Kissing — which quickly turns passionate when you are in love — carries a current intended to light a fire. In the Old Testament, the Hebrew word for "kiss" (nashaq) is derived from the primary root meaning "to kindle." I don't want to open the matchbox. "Why preheat the oven when you can't cook the roast?" as Doug Wilson puts it in Her Hand in Marriage.

We see this truth reflected in places ranging from Scripture to literature that has endured for centuries. Song of Solomon 8:4 says not to arouse love until the right time. The fairy tales of Sleeping Beauty and Snow White hold a deeper symbolism: a kiss is (and should be) an awakening. I want to guard my fiancé; I want him to be asleep to me until we are one before God. There will be other ways of showing affection without arousing passion.

A Virginal Heart
Ultimately I am not as concerned about what Christians' lips do as I am about where our hearts are. One short kiss might not spark anything (though a string of short kisses quickly becomes a fuse). What's behind your kiss is what God is concerned about. Are you bestowing devotion or taking gratification? If you truly love that person, is it in their best interests to whet their thirst when you cannot give them the whole glass of water?

Elisabeth Elliot says it best in Passion and Purity: "Can I say categorically that a kiss is a sin? I can say that it might be. I can say that it might take the edge off, spoil the taste and the pleasure later on. It might reduce power. It might distract the heart. ... It is the heart's direction that is always the central issue. God knows what the heart is set on. We can deceive others. We can easily deceive ourselves. The humble and honest heart will always be shown the truth."

God asks different things of different people. My point is not that everyone should take a vow against premarital kissing. My challenge is that this generation of Christians would take a deeper look at something we treat so lightly. That we would take the initiative in saving something so precious for the right time and person — that we would pray about grasping what Solomon meant when he said there is a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing. That we would understand how intricately kissing is involved with Jesus and that we would ask Him how we can better obey His commands for purity.

Since I don't have a boyfriend and have never been kissed, when I hear "Kiss Me" on the radio I turn it up. I get a little dreamy and ponder on what it will be like to dance among the fireflies and moonlight with my husband. And I know that when he kisses me the joy I feel will be praise that goes straight to heaven.

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:04 PM (GMT)
http://www.boundless.org/2002_2003/regular...y/a0000673.html

6 Steps to Great Dating

by Steve Shadrach

I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was a freshman in love! Yes, I was a Christian as was she, but our emotions were more wrapped up in one other than in Jesus Christ. I had this gnawing feeling the Lord wanted us to break up, but I wouldn’t listen. Most of my Christian buddies had girlfriends, and certainly all my fraternity brothers did. Why shouldn’t I?
I carried this heavy load of rationalization around with me through the fall semester. She and I finally got enough courage to bring up the subject, talk and make a decision. Using our heads and not just our hearts, we broke up because we felt it was God’s will.

That night I went and hid in a dark, empty classroom and cried for three hours. Not because I felt sad or jilted, but because 100-pound weights had been taken off my shoulders. I’m not very emotional, but that night there was a steady stream of joyous tears signaling I was finally free! Having fully obeyed, I was now willing to do anything and everything God wanted me to.

This gave me the courage to make another important decision that night. For the rest of my college years, I resolved I would develop friendships with Christian girls, not romances. Making a commitment like this may sound radical and unrealistic to some, but for me, it was a choice that allowed me to develop the personal and spiritual foundation I would need to last a lifetime.

Spending those college years building genuine brother-sister relationships with girls, along with studying the Scriptures to learn what a godly relationship looked like, aided me in piecing together a Christ honoring plan that would help me be successful in this modern day, mostly American concept we call “dating.”

Just because we can’t find dating in the Bible or in most countries around the world doesn't make it wrong. But I want to warn you ─ if you follow these “Six Steps to Great Dating”, you will need to go against the grain of your culture. You'll also be pleasing to God and preparing yourself for an awesome marriage someday.

And now for the list!

1. Date Only Committed Christians

“You will marry someone that you date” may be one of the few original things I’ve ever uttered. It’s so obvious that it’s humorous, but still our country, where we get to choose our mates, has some of the highest divorce rates in the world. If someday you want a Christ-centered marriage (which clearly requires the commitment of two Christ-centered people), then you better start with the end in mind and take a close look at who you’re attracted to. Yes, I do believe 2 Corinthians 6:14, which says, “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers” means not to marry non-Christians, but if I were you, I’d set my sights on dating and marrying someone who is more than just a believer.

The key is to build opposite-sex friendships with other committed Christians who have a vision and passion for following Christ, for becoming like Christ and for reaching out to others with the gospel. The only real way for you to know if these values will be true of them in the future is to look at their past. Check out their track record to see if their talk matches their walk, knowing college students are notorious for changing and adapting their goals to line up with their latest flame!

2. Plan your Dates in Advance

Having the same goals is one of the essentials for any strong dating or marriage relationship. Not only does it take time (i.e. years) to develop and live out those goals, it takes careful planning too. Bill Gothard, founder of Basic Youth Conflicts seminars, says “the chief purpose of dating is to achieve spiritual oneness.” If you incorporate that purpose into your dating life, it will require you to prayerfully map out your activities, helping you and your date draw closer to God through your time together. This approach is a rarity in this age of entertainment-addicted Christians where most couples seem to always end up at the local movie theatre or the couch, watching another late- night video rental.

I’d like to talk to the guys right now, because I believe you are primarily responsible for the spiritual leadership in a relationship. Cultivate your and your date’s love for God, for the Scriptures and for others by planning enjoyable, but meaningful activities that will produce fulfillment and mutual respect for each other. If your dating style is just kind of a lazy “hanging out,” consider transforming yourself into “the man with the plan.” If you come up with the what, when, where and how it will not only communicate that you care enough to do some advanced thinking, but she will respect you as a spiritual leader who knows where he’s going.

3. Save Yourself for Marriage

Here’s the vicious cycle that many college couples go through each weekend: first of all he calls up, then of course, they must dress up, he then drives over to pick up, fully stocked to drink up, only to eventually throw up, but still later that night choosing to shack up, and with a headache the next morning they finally wake up, once again possessing a deep nagging feeling they’ve really messed up! I hate to break the news to my female readers, but many college guys show love to a girl in order to obtain sexual access. But in the same way guys give love to get sex, there are an equal number of girls who are guilty of giving sex in order to get love. Our holy God, who thought up sex, didn’t say “Let the marriage bed be undefiled” in Hebrews 13:4 to rob us of physical pleasure, but instead to give it to us in fullness ─ and at the right time. In my counseling over the years, I’ve observed that to the degree a couple is sexually intimate before marriage is the same degree that they lack sexual satisfaction after marriage. Reading a classic together like Pure Excitement by Joe White or Choices by Paula and Stacey Rinehart will help you set up and stick to biblical standards, build trust and prepare you someday to have one romantic marriage!

4. Work on Communication

If you’re dating someone who wants a little less talk and a lot more action, you might want to check their spiritual pulse. Getting to know a person’s body has nothing to do with getting to know the person inside that body. In fact, communication vanishes as the fog of guilt rolls in. Anybody can kiss, but how about carrying on a meaningful conversation? In other words, if you end up marrying the person you’re dating, the wedding night may be great, but what do you talk about at breakfast the next morning? And as the years slip by our beautiful bodies have a way of sagging and wrinkling, so there better be a deep bond of friendship that outlasts temporal physical attraction.

Learn how to ask good questions, how to share facts and feelings, and how to listen. There may be a reason God gave us two ears and only one mouth! Get to know their past and present, likes and dislikes, strengths and weaknesses, values and dreams. Most married couples are shocked when they realize 90 percent of their dating period was activities and only 10 percent communication, and that after the honeymoon, those percentages reversed themselves. Understand that God made men and women with a spirit, soul and body, then later handed us divine instructions how to connect with one another ─ in that order.

5. Throw Out Expectations

Sometimes pressure comes from within when one partner has stronger feelings than the other and wants to always “define” the relationship. Jealousy and possessiveness dominate many couples and the only brand of relationships some students know are the conditional kind that always says, “I’ll love you if . . . ” or “I love you because. . . . ” Give each other lots of room to roam, earnestly desiring God’s best for them ─ even if it’s not you. And why let your heart be torn in half every time there’s a breakup? Let’s face it, every relationship you get into is going to end until the “right one” comes along. Relax, go slow, build a friendship, and beware of someone who, on your first date, peppers you with questions about how many children you want!

Pressure sometimes comes from others who are flashing their engagement rings everywhere or asking not so subtle questions like, “When are you two going to tie the knot?” or “Aren’t you going out this weekend?” Having to go on a date each Friday or Saturday night is a sign of insecurity and discontentment. Refuse to allow others to rope you into a dating pattern or relationship that you’re uncomfortable with. Having been in 13 weddings before I got married, it’s a miracle I was able to withstand my friends’ joking and jabbing until age 28 (my wife to be was almost 27) when we finally walked the aisle. Take your time and don’t force it. Let God develop the feelings in both of your hearts, in His way and in His timing.

6. Focus on Becoming the Right Person

Looking for love in all the wrong places, students are frantically turning to cyber dating, matchmaking services, even want ads in their search for intimacy. The guys have replaced wife swapping with wife shopping, while many females come to college to get their MRS degree and, if they’re not engaged by Christmas of their senior year, hit the panic button big time. But if you’ll focus on becoming the right person, instead of finding the right person, (i.e. staying on the road by “seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness”), the Lord likely will bring along someone who far surpasses your little checklist.

Are you willing to spend your college years (and maybe beyond) preparing to do it God’s way, instead of the world’s way? You better, because statistics show that 72 percent of couples divorce if one partner is less than 21 when they get married, and if one of the partners is 26 or less when they get married, there’s a 55 percent chance they’ll be split up before their fifth anniversary. I’ve heard couples tell me, “But Steve, we’re different. We’re really in love!” so many times I could gag. Truly, the riskiest decision you’ll ever make is who you’ll marry, and if this is true, then who you date ─ and how you date ─ can make you or break you.

A final truth that transcends any list is the fact that no human relationship can fill our deepest needs to love and be loved. Jesus Christ alone fits into the God shaped vacuum in each of us. Dating, even marriage will turn out to be a cheap anesthetic for an empty life until we are totally satisfied in Him and can pray Psalm 73:25 back to the only true lover of our soul: “Whom have I in heaven but Thee, and besides Thee, I desire nothing on earth.”

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:06 PM (GMT)
The Truth about Alfred Kinsey: http://www.family.org/topics/a0034455.cfm

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:06 PM (GMT)
http://www.boundless.org/features/a0000970.html

What he really means is...
by Kara Schwab

I have a new boyfriend. Well, I think he likes me, anyway. He’s got a certain look on his face that lets me know he’s interested. Or maybe he just has indigestion. OK, so he hasn’t asked me out yet, but I know he wants to. I’m almost positive he is just dying to ask me out. I’m not sure what the hold up is. Maybe he’s just worried that I would say no. I better call him. I think I should tell him how I really feel, or at least bake him a pie, so he won’t be too scared to ask me out.

A good guy friend once told me “if you’re confused about whether or not a guy likes you, don’t be. If he likes you, you’ll know. If he doesn’t, you may be confused. So if you’re confused, he’s not interested.”

I guess he was on to something because the New York Times Best-Seller He’s Just Not That Into You says basically the same thing to single women confused about men’s “mixed” messages. The book is co-written by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, former consultant and writer for the wildly popular — and wildly risqué — cable show “Sex in the City.” That’s some credential. If anyone can offer an insightful analysis on the nature of love and dating, it’s got to be these two. Hey, if we could all follow the advice of their characters on this show, I bet we’d totally be able to understand men and see fireworks on every date. Either that, or we’d at least contract an STD.

Falling into the one-on-one intervention-type genre of self help books for total morons, He’s Just Not That Into You has a humorous tone and an in-your-face style, as if the authors broke into your apartment and sat you down on your couch to say, “Girrrrl, you gotta get it together. It’s clear you don’t know jack squat about guys. So, listen up ... “ Actually, that’s a clean version. The authors must have side jobs as truck drivers, because the huge amount of cussing in the name of humor made me want to wash my own mouth out with soap after every chapter.

So why all the fuss? What’s compelling singles to buy the book in droves?

The basic premise of the book states “when a guy is into you, he let’s you know it. He calls, he shows up, he wants to meet your friends.” It’s good to know if a guy isn’t interested because “wasting time with the wrong person is just time wasted.” The authors describe the many ways women rationalize when men don’t call them, marry them or meet their needs in a relationship. They say women make excuses like “he’s got a lot on his mind” or “he’s afraid to get hurt again” in an effort to hang on to the smallest bit of hope that a relationship will work out the way they want it to.

The authors say this knowledge is power; that instead of waiting by the phone for hours and hours for a guy to call, you should assume rejection first and move on. Instead of obsessing with your girlfriends in an attempt to figure out why your boyfriend would rather play with his hamster than take you out, you should know he’s over you. “It’s intoxicatingly liberating,” they write, because if you know a guy isn’t that into you, you can “free yourself to go find the one that is.”

The book does have some good points. Yes, we should create healthy boundaries for ourselves as women. Yes, as the authors aptly counsel in the book, a woman should walk away from a relationship with a guy if he can only tolerate being with her when he’s drunk. And a woman should get a clue when a guy doesn’t call. She should know that if he really liked her, he’d find a way to call, even though he has an extra full load this semester, or is traveling a lot, or is caring for his sick mother suffering from a flesh-eating disease or is learning to play the harpsichord and is very busy practicing. If a guy is interested, he’ll find the time to let a woman know.

Actually that’s a useful reminder in today’s post-feminist dating world. Women ask men out. Men give women their phone numbers. More and more couples are having sex before marriage — and even before the second date. And shacking up is no big deal. No wonder dating can be confusing.

The book made me laugh at times and once or twice I found myself nodding in embarrassing agreement. But it also made me wince, blush and feel truly sad about the baseness of what people do and think when they’re not in relationship with God or living for Him.

For instance, take the chapter “He’s Just Not That Into You if He’s Not Sleeping With You.” Ludicrous. Not to mention totally unbiblical. As Christians, we know the opposite is true: if, outside of marriage, a man is having sex with you, he has no respect for you. And by agreeing to have sex with him, you have even less respect for yourself than he does.

Also troubling was the book’s basic assumption that all guys are out to deceive women. Sure it’s implied that men do this when they don’t want to hurt a woman’s feelings, but the huge generalization still isn’t fair. It’s just another example of our culture’s attempt to portray the male species as either incompetent fools or bad-boy players.

Take any sitcom on TV, and you’ll notice that almost every plot depicting a married couple weaves a story around a leaderless, blubbering nutjob of a husband and a wise yet critical, had-it-up-to-here wife who tolerates her husband’s weak mind, laziness and inability to pick out clothes that match. On the big screen, we usually see a tough guy who plays the field ... that is, until he‘s rescued by some lass who makes him see the error of his ways and realize what he really wants is a loving, monogamous relationship with her.

Facing that kind of disrespect, it’s a wonder guys are ever “into” anyone.

As bad as what’s printed on the pages of this book what’s worse is what’s missing. The authors have no understanding of the essential ingredient for successful dating: God’s will. Paul tells us in Romans, “Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world ... test and approve what God’s will is — His good, pleasing and perfect will.” We need to seek God’s will first in our dating life — even before our feelings or our gut instincts.

And what about prayer? I know several women who petitioned God about men they adored who were “just not that into them.” They sought the Lord’s will and prayed earnestly for these men to “come to their senses” and begin pursuing them ... and the Lord answered their prayers. I even had one friend who met a man she felt instantly connected to, but discovered he was engaged to another woman. Her first thought was, “Well, he’s not married yet.” And now he is married ... to her. The prayers of a righteous woman can move mountains — and men — if the Lord wills it.

The books appeal seems to be it’s bald promotion of self-centeredness. During an interview on CBS’s Early Show co-author Greg Behrendt told viewers, “You’re good enough to have the things you want or at least ask for them.” Upon first hearing this, you may be inclined to agree. But as Christians, we know we don’t get things because we are “good enough,” but because God has blessed us with them. And when we don’t get what we want, we should trust that He might be protecting us.

I know believers will pick up this book in the name of entertainment. Yet while they’re being amused, they may also find themselves being influenced: To take their dating life into their own hands. To forget God’s role in meeting the right man. To think that a “little” fooling around can’t hurt, especially if that’s really a guy’s way of telling a girl he’s into her. To veer even slightly off the narrow path they’re walking ... only to discover years later they’re totally off course. For a book boasting a modern satire, that would be a true tragedy.

Tetra - April 5, 2005 10:07 PM (GMT)
http://www.boundless.org/departments/atplay/a0000974.html

Let's Not Talk About Sex
by Sam Torode

I’m not going to see Kinsey and I doubt any of my friends will, either. The movie is a sugarcoated biography of Alfred Kinsey, founding father of modern sexology. I walked by a poster for it the other day and noticed the promotional tagline: “Let’s Talk about Sex.” I politely declined the invitation.

Why are my friends and I opting out of the Kinsey conversation? Because we know what “Let’s Talk about Sex” really means: the aging veterans of the sexual revolution want to solemnly lecture us, for the umpteenth time, about the evils of “Victorian repression” and the wonders of “liberation.” Yawn.

All around, we see the fruits of the sexual revolution: half of marriages end in divorce; a quarter of the rising generation has been aborted; we’re swimming in sexual imagery and exploitation. Liberation has lost its charm.

So why memorialize Kinsey now? Maybe Hollywood senses that the sexual revolution is in trouble and needs reinforcement. If only people realize how awful life was before Kinsey and company came along, the Hollywood execs reason, they’ll forget about their longings for chivalry and romance and jump on the bandwagon of progress.


The Myth of Repression
What exactly was Kinsey’s contribution to our society? Is it true that nobody talked about sex before he came along?

I keep a stack of magazines from the 1930s on my desk, since I’m hopelessly procrastinating on writing a novel set in that period. Contrary to what you might expect, these magazines are far from silent about sex. A copy of The Home Friend, a publication for housewives, includes this ad for the book Sex Practice in Marriage: “Unless people learn how to make sexual intercourse harmonious and happy, a great deal of trouble usually follows. Many men are apt to blunder and then accuse their wives of ‘frigidity.’ Dr. Evans shows how to overcome this common condition.”

In fact, books on married sexuality were already so common by the late 1920s that E. B. White and James Thurber responded in 1929 with their hilarious parody, Is Sex Necessary? “The country is flooded with books,” they wrote. “To prepare for marriage, young girls no longer assemble a hope chest — they read books on abnormal psychology. If they do finally marry, they find themselves with a large number of sex books on hand, but almost no pretty underwear. Most of them, luckily, never marry at all — just continue to read.”


Kinsey’s Achievement
If Kinsey didn’t start the conversation about sex, as his movie’s slogan would have us believe, what did he do?

Alfred Kinsey was a zoologist at the university of Indiana, specializing in the study of insects. But in the late 1930s, his interests shifted and he began collecting data on human sexuality. His great “breakthrough” was to approach his subject as a zoologist, treating human beings like any other animals. Under the banner of scientific objectivity, Kinsey set out to deliver “the facts” of human sexual behavior.

In his famous studies — Sexual Behavior in the Human Male (1948) and Sexual Behavior in the Human Female (1953) — Kinsey found that premarital sex, adultery, homosexual sex and other supposed “taboos” were widely practiced. He reported, for example, that 36% of men engage in homosexual acts, and that 50% cheat on their wives. Though he claimed to be a disinterested researcher, Kinsey’s reports had the effect of saying, “Everybody is doing it, and it’s perfectly normal.”

(Kinsey’s work was not limited to number crunching. He also carried on various sexual experiments in his lab, filming things that I don’t care to describe.)

Today, many mainstream sociologists acknowledge that his methods were flawed. Among his main sources of information were convicted sex offenders and pedophiles. Alan Wolfe, in a 1999 Atlantic Monthly article, stated that Kinsey “misrepresented the sexual habits and practices of Americans because [his] interviewees were so unrepresentative.”

If his statistics are wrong, why is Kinsey still celebrated? Because he separated sex from morality in the name of science. His particular findings don’t much matter. It’s more that he gave the authority of “science” to people who opposed the traditional Christian restraints on sexuality.

How successful was Kinsey? Consider the title of that 1930s guide, Sex Practice in Marriage. This book assumed that marriage provides the best context for healthy, fruitful, enjoyable sexual expression. But if it were published today, it would simply be called Sex Practice; and instead of “husbands” and “wives,” it would be about “partners” of interchangeable sex. That’s the difference Kinsey helped to make.


“Values-free” education
Perhaps Kinsey’s greatest influence has been through public school sex education programs. His philosophy became the basis of our nation’s “values-free” approach , which purports to teach “the facts” without drawing moral judgments. Opponents of this approach have argued that it only results in more broken hearts, unwanted babies and STDs. But no, the experts assure us — we just need to teach kids to gear up for sex like warfare, with an arsenal of barriers, shields and chemical weapons. Then all our problems will be solved.

If “values-free” sex education is such a great idea, why stop there? Let’s use this approach in teaching every subject. Imagine an English teacher unwilling to declare any one piece of writing better than any other; or a history teacher unwilling to “judge” Hitler and Stalin.

In the end, all education is about learning what to value. “Values-free” simply substitutes one set of values for another. Gone are the old-fashioned sexual virtues — love, beauty, romance, honor, respect and self-control—and in their place we now have “openness,” “exploration” and “freedom.”


Sex without Love
According to the old moral tradition, human beings are in an entirely different category from animals because we have souls. We are “created in the image of God,” as Genesis put it. (This is not limited to Christianity — orthodox Jews and Muslims would agree.) Our sexuality, too, is raised to a new level of dignity. We are called to express God’s self-giving love through our sexuality, either by forming lifelong, monogamous marriages, or by remaining celibate and dedicating our lives exclusively to God’s kingdom. Sexuality is both love-giving and life-giving. Childbearing is much more than biological reproduction, since the “image of God” is passed on through procreation. And honoring sexuality is a public concern, because the family — which springs from the sexual embrace — is the foundation of society.

That’s the tradition that Kinsey tossed aside. In order to do away with morality, his followers eagerly bought into the idea that human beings are just animals. What could be sillier than expecting animals to behave morally? We are creatures of instinct — our sex urge is no different from our hunger urge.

When sexuality is reduced to the animal level, it ceases to be an expression of love. Anything goes, and the strong are free to exert their will upon the weak. Of course, if Alfred Kinsey had openly mocked the ideal of love, or championed the exploitation of women and children, he wouldn’t be celebrated today. (On second thought, though, remember that pornographer Larry Flynt was given the same sugarcoated movie treatment a few years back.)

Another prophet of scientific naturalism, Francis Crick (best known for co-discovering the structure of DNA) took this philosophy to its logical conclusion. Love, he said, is a fiction. The physical world is all that exists, and there are no higher values. “Your joys and your sorrows, your memories and your ambitions, your sense of personal identity and free will,” Crick wrote, “are in fact no more than the behavior of a vast assembly of nerve cells and their associated molecules.”

A vast assembly of nerve cells? That’s it? That’s what makes heroes sacrifice their lives to save others, husbands to love their wives, mothers to give up everything for their children?

You can have “sexual freedom” and your vast assembly of nerve cells; I’ll take love, morality (which is just love in action) and the God on which they depend. Maybe I’m opting to believe in fairy tales. But what if fairy tales are truer to life than the reductions of science? If I’m wrong, I’ll have “paid the universe a compliment it doesn’t deserve,” in the words of C. S. Lewis. “And yet how could that be?” Lewis asked. “How could an idiotic universe have produced creatures whose mere dreams are so much stronger, better, subtler than itself?”


Restoring Wonder
My generation has its problems, but I don’t think we’re going to buy into Kinsey — the movie, the man or the myth. We’ve had enough of “sexperts.”

How amazing that a cohort of scientists, doctors and professors can take something as wonderful and mysterious as male-female attraction, and reduce it to something as dull and crude as “satisfying the sex urge.” Then again, we shouldn’t be surprised. These are the same sort of folks who make reading Shakespeare an agonizing exercise in “textual analysis.”

The sexual revolution was all about separating things — sex from marriage, sex from procreation, sex from love. Now our job is to put them back together again, rediscovering the full joy and wonder of our sexuality as expressed in the biblical account of Adam and Eve.

“Let’s Talk about Sex?” Sure. But first, we need to talk about love.



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Copyright © 2004 Sam Torode. All rights reserved. International copyright secured.



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