Psychos in Cyberspace, Understanding and Resolving Net Conflict

Online relationships can be difficult . When communicating ones feeling and view online we often find ourselves in conflict with others who don't share our point of view. Personal opinions can be blown out of proportion and seem to be a direct personal attack (i.e. if you are attacking my beliefs and views, you are making a personal attack on my ego) Often these conflicts will turn into the all out personal attacks we all know as "flaming", leaving the parties involved with hurt feelings and bruised egos. One reason this happens is the online disinhibition effect, often people will behave and act in a very different manner online than they would in real life , the obvious reason for this is that you can get away with alot online than you would in a real life situation. People will express things that they could never express in real life. Another reason why online communication becomes aggressive and hostile is often much is lost in the tranlation, we don't pick up those phatic clues we would naturally recieve in real life situations so there will be alot missing and we tend to feel in the blanks. Example: If I imagine that so-and-so is against me, I will feell any communication I recieve from so-and-so is going to be against me , regardless if so-and-so's intent was hostile or not.

So I think it would be prudent if we develop the tools to become better communicators and develop the ability to resolve conflicts and releive the tensions of those we communicate with online. This is a brief statement about the psycho-dynamics of cyberspace. There many online resources regarding this issue and I hope you will study them for yourselves.

Tip for resolving online conflict:

What can be done to prevent unnecessary conflict in cyberspace? The following are tips for handling conflict online with respect, sensitivity, and care:

Don’t respond right away

When you feel hurt or angry about an email or post, it’s best not to respond right away. You may want to write a response immediately, to get it off your chest, but don't hit send! Suler recommends waiting 24 hours before responding - sleep on it and then reread and rewrite your response the next day.

Read the post again later

Sometimes, your first reaction to a post is a lot about how you're feeling at the time. Reading it later, and sometimes a few times, can bring a new perspective. You might even experiment by reading it with different tones (matter-of-fact, gentle, non-critical) to see if it could have been written with a different tone in mind than the one you initially heard.

Discuss the situation with someone who knows you

Ask them what they think about the post and the response you plan to send. Having input from others who are hopefully more objective can help you to step back from the situation and look at it differently. Suler recommends getting out of the medium in which the conflict occurred - in this case talking to someone in person - to gain a better perspective.

Choose whether or not you want to respond

You do have a choice, and you don’t have to respond. You may be too upset to respond in the way that you would like, or it may not be worthy of a response. If the post is accusatory or inflammatory and the person’s style tends to be aggressive or bullying, the best strategy is to ignore them.

Assume that people mean well, unless they have a history or pattern of aggression

Everyone has their bad days, gets triggered, reacts insensitively, and writes an email without thinking it through completely. It doesn’t mean that they don’t have good intentions.

On the other hand, some people pick fights no matter how kind and patient you are with them. They distort what you say, quote you out of context, and make all sorts of accusations all to vilify and antagonize you. Don't take the "bait" by engaging in a struggle with them - they'll never stop. Sometimes, the best strategy is to have nothing more to do with someone.

Clarify what was meant

We all misinterpret what we hear and read, particularly when we feel hurt or upset. It’s a good idea to check out that you understood them correctly. For example, you could ask, “When you said...did you mean...or, what did you mean by...?” Or, “when you said...I heard...is that what you meant?” Often times, what we think someone said is not even close to what they meant to say. Give them the benefit of the doubt and the chance to be clear about what they meant.

Think about what you want to accomplish by your communication

Are you trying to connect with this person? Are you trying to understand them and be understood? What is the message you hope to convey? What is the tone you want to communicate? Consider how you can convey that.

Verbalize what you want to accomplish

Here are some examples, “I want to understand what you’re saying.” “I feel hurt by some stuff that you said. I want to talk about it in a way that we both feel heard and understood.” “I want to find a way to work this out. I know we don’t agree about everything and that’s okay. I’d like to talk with you about how I felt reading your post.” “I hope we can talk this through because I really like you. I don’t want to be argumentative or blaming.”

Use “I” statements when sharing your feelings or thoughts

For example, “I feel...” versus “You made me feel...”

Use strictly feeling statements

Feeling statements include saying you felt hurt, sad, scared, angry, happy, guilty, remorseful, etc. In everyday conversations, we describe our feelings differently than this. For example, we say that we felt “attacked”, “threatened”, “unsafe”, or “punched in the stomach”. When the person we’re upset with is not present, or able to read our words, this is an understandable way to express the full depth of our feelings and experience. Generally though, these statements are not simply feeling statements because they contain within them unexpressed beliefs. For example, you believe that you were attacked by the person, not that it just felt that way. If you want to communicate with the person involved (or they can read your words), it is best to stick to simple feeling statements otherwise they will hear you as accusing them of attacking them and be angry or upset with you. Some people get confused why other people get upset with them when they think they are only expressing their feelings; usually in these cases there were unstated beliefs expressed which the person reacted to.

Choose your words carefully and thoughtfully, particularly when you’re upset

Do your best to keep in mind that the person will read your post alone. You are not physically or virtually present with them to clarify what you meant, and they can’t see the kindness in your eyes. They must rely entirely on your words to interpret your meaning, intent, and tone. This is why it’s important to choose your words carefully and thoughtfully. You can still be real and honest while being selective.

Place yourself in the other person’s shoes

How might they hear your message? To avoid unnecessary conflict or a lot of hurt feelings, it helps to take into account who you’re writing to. One person might be able to hear you say it exactly how you think it, and another person would be threatened by that style of communication. Think about the other person when writing your email or post. Do your best to communicate in a way that is respectful, sensitive, and clear to them. People often say, to do that feels like they’re being controlled and why shouldn’t they just write it the way they want to. Of course you can write it any way you want, especially online, but if you want to communicate with this person and have them hear and understand what you’re saying, it helps to think about how they will hear it.

Use emoticons to express your tone

In online communication, visual and auditory cues are replaced by emoticons, for example, smiles, winks, and laughter. It helps to use emoticons to convey your tone. Additionally, if you like the person, tell them! Having a conflict or misunderstanding doesn’t mean you don’t like the person any more, but people often forget that reality, or don’t think to say it. It may be most needed during a tense interaction.

Start and end your post with positive, affirming, and validating statements

Say what you agree with, what you understand about how they feel, and any other positive statements at the beginning of your email. This helps set a positive tone. End on a positive note as well.

Source: Kali Munro, M.Ed., Psychotherapist http://www.rider.edu/~suler/psycyber/conflict.html

Disinhibition on the Internet
Source: NetSafe: the Interent Safety Group
http://www.netsafe.org.nz/research/researc...inhibition.aspx

The Psychology of Cyberspace
Source: John Suler, Ph.D. Rider University
http://www.rider.edu/~suler/psycyber/psycyber.html[/B][B][/B][B][/B][B][/B][B]

Topic moved, as it applies to all forums, not just MDSC.
Excellent material, though.
Thanks, Sheol.

Actually, it's nice to see a bit of common sense occasionally. If more people follow the majority (if not all) of these points there would much less conflict on the internet.

A bit of formating on this guide would really help others to read it, perhaps bolding each subtitle... otherwise it's pretty good.


From personal experience I've always tried to have good internet etiquette, it's important to me to not ruin any arguement I may have by going of point, flaming or generally getting emotional about something which someone wrote.

Of course, we aren't all perfect and we all slip up once in a while. I suppose the important thing to remember is that just because your sitting in front of a computer and not another human being it doesn't mean you can be a jerk and get away with it.

So it is written, so it shall be done.

You know, for someone who flamed me and a number of my colleagues to an almost sickning extent, this is surprisingly coherent and admirable. Did you actually write all of this?

I dion't write the tips. They were recommended to me when I joined a Buddhist forum.

Ah. So I take it you've changed a bit since our last interaction?

I mean, you didnt seem like a Buddhist last time we met.

Such is the impermanence of all things, the question is:have you changed?

By leaps and bounds and mighty strides. I think we've already answered each others' questions