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With the closing of the pheonix massage parlour, Brian decides the club can't run on air and decides to hold a 'Pheonix Hunks For Sale' auction for disabled children, But when its discovered to be a scam by old flame Beverly, things can only go downhill!

Meanwhile Max falls in love with a women who isn't all she seems...


Phoenix Nights Forum Special

SCENE 1

Int: Brian Potters Office, Clock ticking, camera pans down to reveal Max and Paddy looking straight forward both of them fed up, sighing etc

Cut to Brian’s face looking straight at them, stiff upper lip, looking over his glasses.

Brian:So let me get this straight; you two numbskulls want your old job back

Max:Erm, yes please Mr Potter, Sir

Max looks at paddy, Paddy shakes his head in disgust

Brian: Do you really think I should stoop so low to give you two tits your old job back! Do you realise the hell I’ve been through!

Max: Yeah but…

Brian: I tried getting you out of prison, not even a thank you!

Paddy: Ah well, you see….

Brian: I tried to give Jerry a half decent 50th birthday bash, but instead it took me weeks to get the smell of flaming anthrax repellent off me wheelchair!

Max: Well that was because….

Brian: And as soon as we get our licence you two swan off, leaving me with no doormen!

Max gets angry and stops Brian in his tracks

Max: Now listen Brian!! We saw this sign in the window and Paddy thought there’s no harm in asking!

Max holds up a sign saying ‘‘Phoenix Massage Parlour, Wednesday Nights’’ and at the bottom in small writing it says ‘doormen wanted, apply within

Brian: Massage parlour?

Paddy: Yeah, that’s what it says!

Max: It’s a place where men go to relax after a hard days work, it usually involves women with oils and romantic music and that…

Brian interrupts Max

Brian: I know what it is you tool! Ray von must have put that up get more people in, free and easy is dead these days, ever since Jerry’s CD was knocked off by the top spot by the crazy frog!

Brian sigh's

Brian: All right, I’ll give you two your jobs back if you keep this brothel thing to yourselves

Max: You mean massage parlour

Brian: Erm, yeah, right.. That’s what I said, do you want the job or not??

Brain stares at Max and Paddy with fire in his eyes

Max: Ok thank you Mr Potter, we’ll start work right away!

Paddy: Yeah nice one Brian

Max and paddy quickly leave, Paddy pushing max out of the door

Paddy: (whispering outside) I wonder if it’s two for one?

Brian: Jesus Wept!

Brian takes his glasses off and rubs his eyes, there’s a knock at Brian’s door

Brian:Yes!

The door opens, a big fat bald scruffy 45 year old man, sovereign rings on his fingers, t-shirt that says 'sex god', and a packet of condoms in his mouth.

Man: I’m here for me 3 0 clock

Brian: Ah right, Marion! (shouting) Got another customer!

Marion: (Shouting back) Room 3 Brian!!

Brian: Room 3 mate!

Marion: (muffled voice in the next room) Now then, what are we having m’love, the full service or just a bit of oral???

Brian looks at the camera, guilt written all over his face!!

ROLL THE STARTING MUSIC!!!

End Music Credits

SCENE 2

Int: Outside The Phoenix Club, on a warm starry night, The fairy lights are twinkling, you can hear Jerry singing on the mic just barely, a car pulls up outside, two ‘Scally’s get out...

Scally One: What about in ere?
Scally Two: It Looks like a sh*thole
Scally One: Well lets try it, if some old farts behind the bar we’ll drink all his stock and pay half the price
Scally Two:(laughs) Lets check it out

The Pair enter the club

Int: Jerry singing Peter Andrea's ‘Mysterious Girl’ while serenading a female pensioner sat on a chair completely stunned and dressed in palm leaves.
The Scally's peer through the window

Scally One: On second thought…

Jerry starts peeling off his shirt in front of this old lady!

Scally Two: (shocked) Come on I’ve got some cider in the car!

The pair make a run for it, the camera follows then until it passes Room 3 of the ‘massage parlour’ you can here a familiar voice.

Kenny Snr: I’ve had better, I had that Britney Spears once, I certainly hit that baby on more than one occasion!

Camera Pans to Room 2

Young Kenny: (singing) In the jungle, the mighty jungle, the TIGER sleeps tonight!

Then onto Room 1

Rayvon : (sounds like he’s got a microphone) The louder you scream, the faster the ride!!

Then finally the camera stops at Brians door, we here his voice from outside

Brian: Oh yes, Come on baby! Get up!

We see Brian in his office, on his computer; we get a shot of his computer screen, which has ‘online banking service’ on, and his bank balance in view!

Brian: Look at that! A couple more lonely dirty men walk in here and I’ll be able to afford ‘Sgt Pepper’ for me jukebox!

Suddenly a load of S.W.A.T vans pull into view outside the phoenix, helicopters overhead with searchlights circling, armed officers with police dogs patrol the area.

Back in his office

Brian: What the Friggin hell is that!

Back outside and the sergeant gets handed a megaphone

Sergeant: Alright! We know you’re in there! Come out with your hands above your head and your clothes on!

Back in the phoenix all 3 doors of the parlour open simultaneously! Rayvon, Kenny and Kenny Snr all pop their heads out of the door, you can tell they’re naked and trying to hide their shame!

Cut too Brian wheeling out of the main doors of the phoenix.

Brian: What the hell’s this! We’ve got pensioners in there who are practically deaf as it is!!

Suddenly a police officer takes two shots at Brian, Popping both of his wheelchair wheels!

Brian: You popped my tyres! They cost me 500 each! I only got them waxed last week!!!!

Police officers rush in, Brian still complaining like a child who’s dropped his ice cream! Shaking his fist at all the policemen...

Brian: It’s not right this! There’s no ‘quick fit’ for wheelchairs you know! How would you like it if I popped your kneecaps!!

Suddenly a police officer walks out of the door with a scantily clad women, probably about 60, hair all a mess, lipstick smudged, the spitting image of Dolly Parton!

Officer: Here she is sir

Sergeant: Ah so this is where you’ve been hiding, we’ve been looking for you for 6 months ‘Crystal Clear’ That must be a record for a tart like you!

Brian: Crystal! I thought your name were Debbie!

Crystal: It is Mr Potter! They’re Lying! Please!

Sergeant: It’s two late for words love! You’ve had that mouth full for too long! You’ve stolen your last imported crate of beer for the last time!

Brian: So that’s where me foreign booze went! Oh… Erm ... (realises). Never mind! I hope you rot in hell! Or if they can’t have you, Prison!

Crystal Leans forward towards Brian

Crystal: I don’t suppose I could have an advance on me wage?

Brian: (p*ssed off) Get her out of here! Go on! ‘op it! Which is more than I can do at the moment!

After everything has died down, the sergeant comes to speak to Brian

Sergeant: Sorry about that Mr…?

Brian: Potter, Brian Potter

Sergeant: Pleasure to meet you Mr Potter, I’ll forward you the money to cover the cost of your wheels, but I’m afraid you’ll have to shut down your parlour

Brian: What, You can’t!!!

Sergeant: I’m afraid we’ll have too Mr Potter, Whats happening in there is against the law and if it weren’t for this little incident tonight, you could of gone to prison, you’re a very lucky man Mr Potter

Brian: Well I suppose they don’t cater for disabled people of my class!

Brian: (Shouting) Right ladies, I’m afraid you’ll have to use your skilled hands elsewhere, you’ll have to leave

The rest of the women walk out of the door, dressed in robes, with a guilty conscience, heads looking towards the floor in shame. Until one of them looks up.. The sergeant recognises her

Sergeant: (Shocked) Joyce?

Joyce: (Panicking) I’m so sorry! I was going to tell you when the football wasn’t on! Honest I was!

Sergeant: (very upset) You told me you were at weight watchers 'weigh in' tonight!

Brian interrupts the whole preceding

Brian: Right I best be off, Thanks for everything tonight sergeant

Brian forgets his tyres are popped and struggles to move

Brian: Kenny! KENNY!!

SCENE 3

Camera does an arial shot of the meeting table, around it is the staff of the Phoenix Club.

Brian: Okay, can we have a bit of quite please

Staff slowly fall silent and get ready for the meeting

Brian: As we know the parlour got closed down

Leslie: You mean the brothel

Brian: Eh?

Leslie: The brothel it got closed down

Brian: Shut up you big tit, where in the Sh*t here, we need away to get us out. Has anyone got any suggestions?

Holy Mary: How about another family fun day

Young Kenny: Not unless you know how to get this off my face, two years this has been on.

Holy Mary: Well..i know how about a sponsored walk.

Brian: You talking the piss

Brian: I suggest an auction

Holy Mary: What type of an auction?

Brian: A special type of auction, we will auction off single men from around here, to women who are willing bid.

Paddy: I like the sound of that!!

Jerry: No

Brian: What you mean no this is the answer to our problems

Jerry: We can’t Brian, the police already closed the brothel down, it’s to risky

Brian: Jerry Jerry, we have to do something man the club is in crisis.

Jerry: Fine have your auction but don’t turn to me when everything goes wrong.

Brian: That’s the thing though Jerry nothing’s going to go wrong. Remember the sniper can not be shot.

Young Kenny looks confused from Brains last comment.

SCENE 4

Int: Max has made a brew and is making his way back to the door with them. A woman is leaving Brian’s office.

Judith: (O/S) It was a pleasure Mr. Potter

A woman exits Brian’s office, closes the door and rolls her eyes about a (so far!!!) unknown conversation. Max almost bumps into the woman as she turns to walk in the opposite direction. She’s a softly spoken welsh woman in her 40’s, with peroxide blonde hair, and make up by B&Q, i.e. applied with a trowel. Think Lily Savage!!!

Max: Have you not got eyes?? (Max looks up) Oh. Sorry. ‘Scuse me love.

Judith: Hello love!!

Judith looks him up and down and proffers her hand.

Judith: I’m Judith. Charmed.

Max struggles with the mugs and shakes her hand.

Max: Erm, Max …… I’m Max

Judith starts making eyes at Max.

Judith: Hello …… Max. Now what’s a handsome man like you doing in a place like this?

Max pauses and looks around nervously.

Max: I’m working the door. I’m a doorman …… I man the door …… wi’ Paddy.

Paddy interrupts from his position on the door.

Paddy: Hurry up Max!!! I’m spitting feathers here!!

Max indicates towards Paddy and Judith looks round briefly

Judith: How very …… (she tails off)

Max: You? I mean …… (he tries to think of a chat up line), I haven’t seen you around before ……

Judith: Oh, I just did a little job for Mr Potter.

Max: Oh I see.

Paddy: Max!!!!

Max looks back at Paddy

Max: I’d better …… erm …… (gestures to Paddy)

Judith: Of course.

Max starts to leave. Judith stops him.

Judith: Max. Would you like to go for a drink tomorrow night?

Max: Well, I don’t know …… I’d have to talk to my Mum. She might be doing gammon for my tea.

Judith’s face falls.

Max: No …… I … I’d love to have a drink with you. That would be very nice, thank you.

Judith smiles and she hands him her phone number. Max takes the paper and Judith walks past him and out the door. Paddy eyes her up as she walks past him. Confusion crossing his features. Max appears next to him.

Paddy: Who were that?

Max (Wistfully) - Judith (He hands a brew to Paddy) We’re having a drink tomorrow night.

Paddy: It’s the auction tomorrow night.

Max looks at Paddy confused

Max: So?

Paddy: We told Potter we’d do it.

Max: Do what?

Paddy: Go up for auction. Tomorrow night you’ll be up on t’stage wearing a loin cloth, being bid on by a bevvy of …… women

Max: Oh ‘Ell!!! Wha …… What shall I do?

Paddy: You could always invite her along ……

Max: She wouldn’t approve …… she’s a lady!!

Paddy looks at Max briefly. After a beat ……

Paddy: O’ course she is ……

Max: What’s that s’posed to mean???

Paddy: Nothing. Nothing at all.

Max looks at him for a beat and then continues.

Max: Well it is for charity. I’m sure she wouldn’t object ……

SCENE 5

Interior shot of the Jockey Wilson Suite, The Phoenix club. Brian is sitting at a table in his wheelchair, drinking tea out of a mug that says “Potters Passion Palace” in pink lettering and a picture of handcuffs next to the words! Jerry is sitting directly opposite him looking very worried.

Jerry: So basically, what you’re saying Brian, is that we tell the women that the money is going to charity, and then it all goes into your pocket????

Brian: You think about things too much Jerry. No wonder you spend so much time on the Sh*tter. You need to loosen up man, relax, chill out.

Jerry: Don’t you think it’s a bit dishonest???

Brian: Dishonest!! I’ll tell you what’s dishonest; advertising that bunch of no marks as hunks!! Hunks for sale, I ask you. Sweet baby Jesus, more like hunks o junk!

Jerry: Well I’ll have no part of it, it’s fraud you know, you could go down for it!!!

Brian: Fraud!!! Them randy old Jezebels won’t even notice where they’re money’s going once they start bidding. Come on Jerry, I need your help.

Jerry: No Brian, I won’t be able to sleep at night.

Brian: I’ll buy yer a jar o Ovaltine. I need you on board Jerry.

Jerry: I don’t know…..

Brian: It’s for the good of the Phoenix, I’m thinking of all of us here not just me. You want to see the Phoenix rise from the ashes, don’t ya Jerry??? See them queuing up round the block to get in. Well this money could help us get back to the top, where we belong. All that time we’ve put into this place, it’s all going to be wasted without this money to help us.

Jerry: We might not even make that much…..

Brian: Believe me Jerry this plan can’t fail. We charge ooooh say £15 a ticket. They’ll pay it cos they think it’s for a good cause, and once they get a whiff of testosterone on the night, they won’t think to ask what charity it’s going to. But don’t worry, I’ll make one up. Summat to do wi kids, women like kids. Whack a few collection buckets up round the till with pictures of kids on, and Bobs your cousin!!!!

Jerry: Uncle. Bobs’ your uncle.

Brian: No he were me cousin. Twice removed. (gives Jerry a look) Are you in then???

Jerry: I always seem to be involved with your schemes, whether I want to be or not.

Brian: There you are you see I knew you wouldn’t let me down. You won’t regret it Jerry, we can turn this place around with that money. We’ll show that Den Perry and his mob of half wits who’s the King of Clubland eh Jerry???

Jerry: (with an air of resignation) If you say so.

Brian (exiting in his wheelchair) All I need to do now is find some pictures of sorry looking kids for the buckets, that’ll tug on their heartstrings and make em cough up. (rubs hands together in glee and wheels out of shot)

Cut to shot of Jerry shaking his head and looking worried.

SCENE 6

Exterior

Max is waiting outside a posh looking wine bar, looking uncomfortable in a smart shirt and tie, waiting for Judith.

Judith is walking up the street in the back of the shot, hair tousled, lipstick smeared, clothes in disarray, looking in a small mirror, trying to sort out her appearance and smoke a fag at the same time. She is wearing a denim miniskirt and tight halter top, with dangly Pat Butcher style earrings.

Judith: So sorry I’m late, Max, was finishing off that job for Mr Potter. Ooooh you scrub up well don’t ya??? Look like a proper gent.

Max: (trying to get a word in edgeways) Well you said to dress smart, I’ve even got clean socks on (looks her up and down) you look very errr.. Nice. Shall we go in, I’m parched.

Max opens the door for Judith to go first, but collides with her as she tries to open the door to allow him to go in first! Both look embarrassed.

Max: Go on ladies first.

Judith enters first, followed by Max. Max looks warily around the wine bar, it is full of City types in suits, with their laptops open, discussing business and sipping champagne.

Judith picks two stools at the bar and gestures for Max to sit down beside her. Max sits down and picks up the drinks list and studies it.

Judith: (leans over to Max and whispers conspiratorially) Max, have you ever had Chateuaneuf Du Pap???

Max (looks anxious and starts fiddling with his tie) It were….months ago… Dr gave me antibiotics… said it weren’t contagious….no need to worry.

Judith: (giggling) Oh Max, you’re hilarious!!! (orders a bottle from the hovering barman)

Max looks confused, carries on scanning the menu. Sees the price of the wine, and his eyes start bulging.

Max: It’s a bit expensive here int it??? Should have gone to my local. Can get a pint of Bishops Finger for £1:50, you could have had a bottle of Lambrini for £2.

Judith: don’t worry about the price, Max, I’ll pay.

Max: Oh no you shouldn’t pay….I’m the man…I should pay.

Judith: Don’t worry we’ll work out a method of re-payment later on. (barman brings wine and two glasses, Judith looks Max in the eye and seductively runs her finger around the rim of the empty glass, Max looks uncomfortable and fidgets in his seat)

Judith: So Max, tell me about you.

Max: Not much to tell really, I work on’t door at the club, live at home wi me mam, (realises that this makes him seem like a loser) but I’m gonna look for a place o me own once me and Paddy have got our jobs back.

Judith: Is Paddy the other doorman I saw you with at Mr Potters….establishment??

Max: Yeah that were Paddy. How about you, what were you doing at Potters place???

Judith: (looks guarded) Just a bit of business Max, nothing to worry yourself about. So tell me have you got form???

Max: What d’ya mean, form???

Judith: Exes, past relationships, divorces??? Me, I’ve been divorced three times, first one, Kevin used to beat the living daylights out of me, second, Marvin, well he was a right dosser, expected me to keep him in booze and fags while he sat on the sofa all day watching Trisha, and the third, Sven, well he was a drip, always bringing me presents and being all soppy. I like my men to be a bit, well macho, and have a bit of a backbone, do you see what I mean??? (lights a fag and takes a sip of her wine)

Max: (looks positively horrified) Errr….do you think they do Walkers Cheese and Onion in here???

END OF PART ONE

PART TWO

SCENE 1

Exterior shot of a snooker hall. Interior shot shows Max and Paddy playing at one
of the tables.
Various other people are scattered around the snooker hall.

Max: Are you gonna ask me then??? (picks up his cue to take a shot)

Paddy: (studying the balls on the table and watching Max miss his shot) Ask you what?

Max: (sits down whilst Paddy takes his shot) About me date

Paddy: (lines up his shot and pots the ball perfectly) What date??

Max: (studies the table) Wi Judith, that woman I met at Potters. (takes a sip of his pint and continues to study the table)

Paddy: (with a lecherous look on his face) Did you pot the pink???

Max: (looks puzzled) I haven’t taken me shot yet, I’m still on the reds.

Paddy: Story of your life, that Max!

Max: (looks very confused)

Paddy: Where did you take her???

Max: I didn’t really take her anywhere, she kinda…. took me. We went to a wine bar, she picked it.

Paddy: You’re a man Max, you shouldn’t drink wine, what’s wrong wi a pint of Stella???

Max: They din’t serve beer, it were a posh place. Didn’t serve crisps either.

Paddy: You’ll be wearing eyeliner and going to the ballet next you friggin ponce!!! going to a wine bar, hahaha. Are you seeing her again???

Max: I was thinking about inviting her to the auction.

Paddy: Are you sure she won’t mind slumming it??? She sounds like a classy…lady.

Max: I’m more worried about you getting your dirty mitts on her….

Paddy: Whoa whoa whoa, you don’t need to worry on that score, ma friend, she’s not my type.

Max: Why what’s wrong wi her???

Paddy: Well, she’s the wrong build for me, I like em curvy wi a bit of jelly in ‘trunk, and a good set of (makes gesture with his hands, indicating that he’s talking about boobs)

Max: There’s more to women than tits and arse y’know Patrick. What about intellectual conversation and witty repartee???

Paddy: (shakes his head in disbelief) The only time women should open their mouths is when you’re putting summat in it!!! (makes obscene gesture)

Max: Judith’s got class, she’s not that kinda lady

Paddy: (under his breath as Max takes another shot) She’s not any kinda lady

SCENE 2

INTERIOR SHOT

Kenny Snr, Young Kenny, Rayvon, Les and Alan are all backstage getting ready for the auction. Jerry is warming up the audience and singing Donna Summers “Hot Stuff.” The women in the audience are mostly OAP’s with a few thirty something’s dotted around.

Kenny Snr (nervously peeking round curtain and smoking at same time)
God help us they’re all wrinkles!

Young Kenny: (still has his tiger face paint on) You’re not so young yourself, you’ll get on well with em.

Rayvon: Anyway it’s not as if we’ll have to sleep with them….they’re paying to take us on a date, not take us to bed.

Alan: They’d have to pay well over the odds to get those kinda services from me

Les: (peeking round the curtain) There’s some young lasses out there….

Kenny Snr: After a date with me, they’ll be begging for extras, I went on a date with that
Beyonce last month, barely even finished her drink before she was dragging me round the back….bootylicious.

Everyone stares at him disbelievingly, and decides to ignore the last comment.

Alan: What if nobody bids for me?? I’ll look like a right dick.

Young Kenny (reassuringly, pats Alan on the back): Don’t worry, I’ll bid for you if you want. (realises that this makes him look gay) I didn’t mean… I’m not….

Les: Backs to the wall fellas, looks like the young un’s turned fruity-licious!!

Young Kenny shoots him a dirty look. Brian can be heard chuntering, as he makes his way towards where they’re waiting.

Brian: Hello lads, (takes a look at them all) bloody hell you could have made an effort! Now listen, we’re hoping to make a lot of money for the Phoenix tonight, so I want you smiling and flirting with them women so they’ll bid for you.

Les: For the Phoenix??? I thought it were for charity.

Brian: It is Lesley. A charity that’s very close to mine and Jerrys heart, the errrr…Phoenix Childrens Charity. Them poor kids have nowt just think of them when you’re up there.

Rayvon: Mr Potter, what do we have to do for em when they’ve won us???

Brian: Anything they want Ray, they’ll be shelling out mucho poundos for you, least you can do is do what they ask.

Young Kenny: (looking horrified) Does that include physical things??? Like touching?

Brian: Whatever they ask of you, their wish is your command. Don’t any of you tits let me down, remember them poor kiddies with terminal illnesses. A night with an OAP is nothing compared to their suffering so pull yourselves together.

With that, Brian rolls out of shot, rubbing his hands together with glee.

Alan: A night of bump and grind with an OAP?? I think I’d rather not get bid on. What does he think we are, prostitutes??? I’m going home.

Alan starts to walk towards the fire exit...

SCENE 3

INTERIOR

Meanwhile in the cabaret suite, the show is nearly ready to start, lots of mindless chatter going on, we pan on four common rough women drinking at the bar waiting to be served.

Dawn: Well I don’t know about you girls but I’m bagging a man tonight! Even if it means putting our Derek’s ashes on eBay

Hayley: They better be good looking, if they’re ‘angin I’m going to complain, those phoenix kids will have to starve if I don’t see at least one washboard stomach, I might not be Cindy Crawford but I’m certainly no Joan Collins!

Donna: Aye your right there love, Ever since my Tony died I’ve not climaxed since! I mean think of the men I’ve had… Terry, Clive, Bruce, Tom, William, Jonathan…

Other three women nod with agreement

… Chris, Andrew, Charles and even that Ian who was married couldn’t get a moan out of me I hope the men tonight have a big enough package to handle this trap let me tell you!

All four women giggle to themselves

Lisa: Well I’m up for sliding down a fireman’s pole tonight girls, Believe you me, I hope my fella likes black leather!

Dawn: I’ve had enough of black leather, ever since I had that gymnastic teacher I can’t touch it!

Hayley: Ooohhh I remember that, You were in hospital for ages for that weren’t ya, I heard that guy disapeared a couple of weeks later..

Donna: Never found his body did they...

Dawn taps her nose twice signalling that he hasn’t been found and it’s their little secret

Dawn: Lets just say my patio looks great with me new flooring, all my own work!

All four women giggle again

SCENE 4

Interior scene. Max and Paddy are sat together on an old battered sofa. Judith sits opposite them on a mis-matched chair. Coffee table between them. There is a small hatch in one wall, slightly open showing through into a tattered kitchen

Judith: So glad you boys could stop round for a coffee

Max: It’s our pleasure ma love, ‘bout time Paddy got t’know the woman in me life

Paddy smiles uncomfortably, it’s obvious this is the last place he wants to be

Judith: So Paddy, Max tells me you two spent quite a while in that mobile home of his

Paddy: Err it’s OURS actually, I own half of it

Judith: (Smiles knowingly) Right… anyway, coffee, tea? Lads what can I get ya?

Max: Tea for me love, tea Paddy? (Paddy nods) Two teas please.

Judith gets up

Judith: C’mon then Max, give me a hand

Max follows her into the kitchen

Judith peers through the hatch way at Paddy

Judith: He’s a good looking fella that mate of yours

Max: Yer, so he tells me

Judith: Must have been strange, just the two of you, alone in that small mobile home for so long

Max: It weren’t so bad

Judith: No? (pause) So did you to ever…. (she nods her head suggestively)

Max: What?

Judith: You know, two grown men, no female company, you must have got urges

Max: Hey now hang on a minute, I think you’ve got the wrong idea of me an’ the lad. We’s mate – that’s IT. An’ we weren’t short of female company, if we wanted it. (Max looks flustered)

Judith: Sorry darlin’, didn’t meant to upset you, it’s just (she sucks the tea-spoon suggestively), I find it kind of… exciting.

Max: (Even more flustered) Err Kettles boiled, better get the brews made

Judith: Touch him for me, go on, just once

Max: (Shocked, drops the tea bag he was holding) WHAT???

Judith: (moves closer to him, pushing herself against him) I could make it worth your while

Max’s hands are shaking as he finishes making the tea and carries two cups through to the living room

Paddy: You two took your time, I gaggin’ out ‘ere. (He takes a drink of tea) Ahh that hits the spot.

Judith takes her seat, staring at Max the whole time, he wriggles uncomfortably

Judith: So Paddy, you ever had a three-some

Max spits out his tea in surprise

Paddy: (Completely unflustered) Yeah, I tried it once, but it were too much effort, one at a time’ll do me !

Judith is nodding and winking at Max every time Paddy isn’t looking, Max is getting more and more flustered

Max “accidentally” drops a tea spoon on the floor to the side of Paddy

Max: Get that for us will ya Paddy?

Paddy has to rise to reach the spoon, as he does Max brushes a hand lightly across his bum.

Paddy: (Turning around sharply) Ey now, what d’ya think you’re playing at.

Max: (Stammering) Err, dust Paddy, you ‘ad a bit o’dust on your pants.

Paddy: (Sits back down) Yer well, next time just leave it there.

Max stares into his tea cup, Judith is smiling with triumph.

Max: We should probably get going soon (he puts his cup down on the coffee table), gotta be getting to work

Paddy: (Nodding) Yeah, Potter has a fit if we’re late

Judith gets up and walks over to Max before climbing into his lap, her bare feet resting on Paddy’s thigh

Judith: Come on now boys, you’ve hardly been here any time at all.

Judith curls her toes into Paddy’s thigh as she wiggles in Max’s lap

Judith: I’m sure there’s a lot more we can find out about each other yet

Max and Paddy stare at each other in fright.

SCENE 5

Pan down a curtain at the back of the stage. Emblazoned in gold lettering with ‘The Phoenix Club ‘Hunks For Sale’ Charity Auction’ and in smaller writing at the very bottom ‘…. On Behalf of Help a Phoenix Child’. Cut to Jerry shuffling rapidly through his cue cards while the chorus of ‘Temptation’ by Heaven 17 plays. He looks nervously at the crowd from the stage. The music dies down.

Jerry: Right then Ladies and …… erm …… Ladies. Welcome to the Phoenix Club. And tonight is a very special night indeed. Tonight we present a charity auction of some of the most eligible bachelors in Bolton on behalf of ‘Help a Phoenix Child’. So ladies dig deep and give what you can.

Les, Alan and Ray Von are waiting at the side of the stage checking each others outfits are straight. Cut to a quick shot of a few women still entering the room and taking their seats and back to Jerry on stage.

Brian comes over the Tannoy.

Brian: And don’t forget ladies. Tonight we are also holding a special raffle giving you the chance to get hold of anything you can possibly want to make your special night with your special hunk …… erm …… special. Show ’em the prizes Jerry ……

Jerry rolls his eyes and gestures to a table at the front of stage holding the remnants of ‘Potters Passion Palace’ -- silk scarves, handcuffs, feathers …… and a selection of ‘Potters Passion Palace’ mugs.

Brian: Back to you Jerry.

Jerry: Thank you Brian Potter.

He gives a half hearted applause and looks at his cue cards.

Jerry: First up we have the Phoenix Club's very own resident DJ …… Ray Von.

Ray bounds up onto stage. He has a mic in his hand. He stops a few paces from Jerry, and in his best DJ-ing voice ……

Ray: Hello. Thank you Jezza. Hi. My name is Ray Von and we will certainly R-R-R-Ray Von if YOU pick ME tonight!!!

He winks at the audience.

Jerry (whispering): It’s an auction Ray. Not Blind Date!!!

Ray shrugs and continues working the audience from the stage.

Jerry: Thank You Ray ...… now who will open the bidding for me at £15 ……

Les and Alan watch from the side of the stage as the bids rise off screen. Alan suddenly pipes up ……

Alan: Ay up!!! Deborah’s out there!!!

Les: Who?

Alan: Deborah …… My Ex! She’s out there. What’s she doing here??

Les: The one that slept wi’ Paddy? (He grins) Heh!! Maybe she’s come for another go!!

Alan glares at him. From the stage the bidding for Ray has ended.

Jerry: Sold to that young lady there (gestures at a young-ish groupie type) for £45.

She smiles broadly. Ray winks at her and leaves the stage.

Jerry: Next up we have one half of Les Alanos …… Les Campbell

Les sucks in his gut and walks on to the stage.

Woman: Leslie!!!!

Les stops dead in his tracks and looks out at the audience. His eyes widen as he sees the woman who shouted.

Les: Kathleen!! What are you doing here??

Kathleen: Leslie Campbell. Get off that stage and put some clothes on – I am NOT having my husband parading about in next to nothing.

Les: But love ……

Kathleen: You’re sleeping on t’sofa tonight!!!

Kathleen stomps out the room. Les shrugs at Jerry and follows her out ……

Les: Hold on love!!!

Jerry watches Les walk out gobsmacked. Brian has appeared by the exit and pipes up as Les and Kathleen pass him.

Brian: ‘Ere love. Y’ave to win ‘im ‘fore you can take ‘im home …… Leslie?? Get back up there …… LESLIE!!!! Think of the Phoenix!!!! (The audience look at him and he adds ……) Children …… the Phoenix Children!!!!

He smiles nervously at the audience then looks at Jerry and back at the doorway.

Les (O/S): Kathleen, Love. I can explain ……

Jerry remembers where he is and continues ……

Jerry: As I was saying ……

Les reappears. Looks round the room briefly and pinches a coat off the back of someone’s chair, shrugs it on and starts to exit again. Jerry spots him.

Les: Kathleen!!!

Jerry continues ……

Jerry: Please give a warm welcome to …… (He quickly glances to the doorway to see if Les reappears again) …… one half of The Phoenix Club’s very own Les Alanos …… Alan Dalton!! Come on Alan, let the dog see the rabbit! Ladies, he’s single, 35 and can cook, clean and iron! (all the OAP’s ooooh and aaaahhh)

Alan: Oh Sh*t!!!

Alan peers out from behind the curtain and walks out sheepishly. There is a ripple of applause. He gives a small wave.

He stands in the middle of the stage occasionally looking at the rear of the stage as if wishing he were sat behind his organ.

Jerry: Right Ladies. Who’ll start the bidding for Alan here at £15 ……

SCENE 6

Interior shot. Judith is still sat on Max’s lap with her legs stretched across Paddy. Both men are looking increasingly uncomfortable.

Paddy: Look flower… we really do have to be going, Potter’ll skin us alive if we’re much later.

Judith: Ahh c’mon now, I’m sure the three of us can think of more fun to have than work.

Max tries to move Judith, but she’s having none of it. Paddy glares accusingly at Max.

Paddy: Well in that case love… why don’t you just pop upstairs and slip something a bit more comfortable on?

Judith: (Smiles with glee) Now that’s more like it, why don’t I just do that. (She gets up) Max, why don’t you pour us some drinks, the cabinet is just there (she points to a drinks cabinet)

Judith leaves the room, Max is sat looking stunned at Paddy’s suggestion

Paddy: Right, I’m out of here

Max: You can’t just leave, she’ll… she’ll be offended.

Paddy: Look Max, you’re me best mate and all but I don’t want to get any more intimately acquainted with the contents of your trousers!

Max: (Frowns) You don’t think she meant…. (realisation dawns on him)… Let’s go.

Both men head for the front door. The door is deadlocked as they fight, unsuccessfully, to open it.

Paddy: Sh*t !

Max: Back door! There was a back door in the kitchen.

The men run through to the kitchen. The back door is locked but the key is still in place.

They get outside into a small back yard, with a high wall and gate.

The gate is padlocked.

The men look around them, but there is no obvious route of escape.

Paddy: There’s only one thing for it. C’mon Max, give us a leg up.

Max makes a cradle out of his hands and hoists Paddy up on to the high wall. Paddy reaches down and pulls Max up. Max’s feet scrabble madly at the wall before he gets to the top. Both men sit panting for a moment.

Voice from inside the house
Judith: OK boys, I’m ready for you.

Paddy leaps down from the wall, quickly followed by Max. They land in a heap on the floor.

Paddy: Next time you invite me to meet one of your women, remind me to say no !

The men run off down the street to where they parked the camper van.

Back inside the house Judith enters the living room. On seeing the men gone she walks through to the kitchen and sees the door open. She slams it closed.

Judith: Damn! They always escape.

SCENE 7

Jerry is stood next to Alan on stage as the bidding for him concludes.

Jerry: Sold to the lady in the Lady Di jumper for £55. (To Alan) Well done son!

Alan looks uncomfortable as he waves at the lady in her 80’s. He practically leaps off the stage to get away ……

Jerry: Our next hunk is Young Kenny. Come on out son.

Tiger Feet by Mud plays as Young Kenny comes out on stage. He’s obviously embarrassed. He’s tried to cover his tiger make up but the black nose and stripes are showing through the foundation. Brian is still sat by the exit.

Brian: Oh, I can’t watch this ……

He wheels himself out of the room and back to his office. You can hear Les and Kathleen still having a barney outside the club.

Cut back to the Jerry compering the auction.

Jerry: Now ladies. Here is a young man who is always happy to help. His mother says (He consults the cards) “Kenneth has always been a good boy and always willing to offer assistance with whatever you need!” His Nan adds (Jerry clears his throat) “Kenny is a lovely boy. He just needs the right girl to look after him ……” How, erm, lovely. Ladies, who will start the bidding at £15 for this young man. (He gestures at Kenny – there are no takers) Anyone?

Holy Mary looks at Marion and Joyce, and back at Young Kenny.

Holy Mary: Poor thing. No-one’s bidding for him …… We should do something.

Marion: Well bid for him then.

Holy Mary: Ooh I couldn’t. God wouldn’t approve of trading people.

Joyce: Well it is for charity!! I’m sure God wouldn’t disapprove if it’s for the children ……

Marion looks incomprehensively at Joyce.

Marion: It’s not for charity. Were you not at the meeting?? Did you not hear what Brian said??

Joyce: No I wasn’t. I was home trying to get our Martin to forgive me!! He’s been funny with me ever since the raid. I even tried some of the things that that Debbie …… Crystal -- whatever her name was showed me -- nothing’s worked!!

Holy Mary: But the banner says it’s for “Help a Phoenix Child”. Surely even Brian wouldn’t lie about something like that!!

Marion: Brian Potter??? Have you had a lobotomy recently? You know EXACTLY what Brian’s like!! O’ course he would!

Cut back to Jerry. Bidding has started slowly for Young Kenny.

Jerry: Now come along ladies. Think of the children …… will anyone give me £30 for this ANIMAL!!

Jerry winks.

Cut back to Holy Mary, Marion and Joyce.

Holy Mary: Nooo, not Brian. He’s just misunderstood. He’s a good man really.

Marion rolls her eyes and notices Beverley has entered the room. She nudges Holy Mary and Joyce to get their attention and indicate towards her. They all look in Beverley’s direction.

Marion: Look who it is …… wonder what she’s doing here?

Joyce: Who’s that?

Marion: Brian’s ex. What was her name? Beverley??

Holy Mary: Jerry told me that she works for the DSS. They thought Brian was making fraudulent claims and sent her to investigate him.

Holy Mary looks at Marion and shakes her head.

Holy Mary: It was a real shame …… he liked her a lot ……

Marion: Didn’t go down well at all!!

Joyce: I can imagine.

Bidding has ended for Young Kenny.

Jerry: Sold for £30. (Quietly) To his Mum.

Kenny looks disheartened. He waves at the woman.

Kenny: See you later Mum!!

He leaves the stage. As he steps off stage Alan claps him supportively on the back.

Jerry: Next up we have Kenny Senior. (Kenny walks confidently onto the stage; Jerry rolls his eyes at what is written on Kenny’s card) Kenny here is a decorated war veteran with links to the SAS. After his tour of duty in Vietnam, Kenny took up fire fighting, becoming renowned for his fireproof skin, retiring from this line of work after the HSE ruled he really ought to use regulation fire equipment. He then spent 3 years working as a spy for MI5 and he still finds time today to assist the security services in investigating the Bolton mafia. Kenny took early retirement to follow his dream of running in the Olympics where he narrowly lost out on a medal after stopping to assist a fallen fellow runner. He earned an honourable mention for his actions and his photograph still hangs in the Olympic Committee’s HQ to this very day. (The audience are astounded by these revelations and begin to chatter to each other)

Kenny stands confidently in the middle of the stage, fag in hand.

Kenny: Ladies …… (He cocks an eyebrow at the crowd)

Jerry: Who will open the bidding for me ……

Cut to Holy Mary, Marion, and Joyce.

Joyce: Bolton has a mafia????

SCENE 8

Jerry has a joke with the audience, He points to a fat haggard old women

Jerry: You’ve got me….Sold for £5.14, smiles at the lady in the front row

The women smiles back...

Jerry: Only kidding love!

The audience burst out laughing, humilitating this poor women!

Camera cuts to Brian in his office, Holy Mary enters

Brian singing i would walk 5000 miles

Holy Mary: Brian, I’ve got something to show you.

Brian: Show me what

Holy Mary: Just c’mon.

Brian: This better be good.

Holy Mary and Brian leave office

Brian: What did you want to show me?

Holy Mary: Beverly is sitting over there

Brian: Where???

Holy Mary: Over there near the bar

Brian: Sweet baby Jesus and the orphans

Brian quickly pushes him self back to the office

Holy Mary: Brian!!!

On Brians way back to his office he see’s Max and Paddy running in looking out of breath

Brian: Shouldn’t you two be on the door.

Max laying against the wall heavy breathing

Brian: Hey Darth Vader I’m talking to you

Max: Where being auctioned off Mr Potter

Brian: Good, does that mean I get rid of you?

Max: No Mr Potter, we’ll be back

Brian: Where I’ve heard that before

Paddy:The Terminator

Max Laughs

Brian: Pair of tits

SCENE 9

Jerry: Now Ladies. (Jerry looks to the side of the stage for Max and Paddy – they aren’t quite there yet) We’re going to take a short intermission, so while we’re away, why don’t you refresh your drinks, and buy your raffle tickets and we'll be right back. It’s all in the name of charity so lets dig deep!!

Jerry winks at the audience and heads to the side of the stage. Just as Max and Paddy get to their positions.

Jerry: Where have you two been?? It’s madness out there!!!

Jerry indicates to the audience. The OAP’s are moving sedately and chattering while they wait.

Max and Paddy talk rapidly in unison

Max: We went round mi girlfriends house for a brew and so she could meet one of mi mates and while we was there we were chatting about while we were away, and whether we ‘ad “urges”, y’know, being two blokes away from home on their own wi’ no women, in the mobile home?? And I was were like “no we did NOT” and she asked me to do something to Paddy that I’d rather not talk about, and then we were gonna leave but she said we should stay a bit longer. While she was upstairs we decided we should leave but front door was locked. Back door was to but she’d left the key in t’lock. We got into the yard but the gate was locked too so we pegged it over t’wall and ‘ere we are.

Paddy: ‘E dragged me round his girlfriend’s house because ‘e thought I should meet her, and then when we were having a brew, she was on about threesomes, which I s’pose are a bit o’ fun, couple o’ lovely ladies (He cocks his eyebrows), you know what I’m sayin’, but then ‘im there (indicates Max), started feeling mi arse, and I says “Ey?? What you playin’ at??” then when we were gonna leave she reckoned we should spend a bit longer there. I got her to go upstairs and change so me and ‘im could get out, but she’d locked us in so we tried the back which were locked ‘n’all but we got out into t’yard and tried the gate which was locked too so we pegged it over t’wall and ‘ere we are.

They look at each other as they finish talking at the exact same time with the exact same sentence.

Jerry: Ne’er mind that …… you’re up any second.

Jerry looks at Max and shakes his head as he walks back out in stage. Brian has appeared at the stage. He looks irritated.

Brian: What’s taking so long – you’re wasting valuable bidding time – now pull your finger out and get on with it.

Brian wheels himself to the back of the room, and Jerry continues.

Jerry: Now. Our next hunk is Max – one of the Phoenix’s very own doormen.

Jerry gestures to the side of the stage. When Max doesn’t appear he shouts ……

Jerry: Max!!!

Max still doesn’t appear.

Max (at low volume off screen): I can’t …..

Jerry: Course you can. Now come on!!! Let’s have a big round of applause for Max!!! (Jerry starts clapping and encourages the audience to join in)

Max gingerly steps out from the side of the stage. He’s wearing a loincloth with his vest, socks pulled halfway up his shins, and his shoes. His hands covering his modesty and toying with the hem of his loincloth.

Jerry: Right now who will start the bidding for me??

There’re no takers ……

Jerry: Anyone?? (Pauses) Will anyone give me £20 for this fine specimen of a man?

Jerry peers at the audience

Jerry: …… £15? ……

Woman 1: £15

Jerry: Right I have £15 …… Will anyone give me 20?? …… Anyone??

Jerry glances anxiously at Max. Max looks a little dejected

Jerry: Come on now this fine young man’s worth more that £15!?!?!?

There is near silence as people pay no attention to what is going on.

Jerry: Going once ……going twice ……

Brian has positioned himself behind a woman.

Brian (high voice): £30

Jerry: £30 …… I have £30 …… Will anyone give me £35

Woman 1: £35

Jerry: Thank you Madam …… Any more bids? …… Going once …… going twice ……

Jerry takes one final look around the room

Brian (high pitched): £50

Jerry: I have a bid of £50 …… A bid of £50. Anyone else …… Once …… Twice …… Sold!! To the lady with the red sweater on the back row!!!

The red sweater woman looks confused and looks around her. She turns to look behind her and Brian smiles and nods slightly at her. She shakes her head at Jerry and gestures to Brian.

Jerry: My mistake …… sold to Brian Potter for £50

Brian’s face falls.

Brian: I’m not buying that waste o’ space …… think of the clu …… (he falters) …… handicapped children.

Jerry: Sorry Brian …… it was your bid!!

Brian: Bloody hell!! Move!!!!

Brian wheels himself off rapidly, running over people’s feet in his rush to get back to the front of the room. Woman 1 looks disappointed. Max leaves the stage looking rather ill!!

Jerry: Our next specimen goes by the title …… (aside) I can’t say this ……

Jerry looks to the side of the stage to see Brian gesturing him to continue. He looks back at the card in his hand

Jerry: Please welcome to the stage the self proclaimed Lord of Love …… Lord Love Rocket!!!

Paddy bounds on stage and strikes a pose. Someone coughs and a few people clap. Paddy looks disappointed.

Jerry: Shall we open the bidding at ……

Woman 2 (young, attractive): £35!!!

Paddy smiles and nods slightly.

Paddy (rubbing his hands together): Dink Dank Doo

Woman 3 (plain, mousey, chubby, not very attractive -- as much as I hate the word -- a 'minger'): £40

Paddy’s face drops. A bidding frenzy begins

Woman 2: £45

Woman 3: £50

Woman 2: £60

Woman 3: £70

Woman 2 (frantically searches her purse): £73

Woman 3: £75

Woman 2 (pause - turns to her friend who hands her some change): £76.50???

Woman 3 (with a wry smile): £80

Woman 2 shakes her head in defeat. A look of terror crosses Paddy’s features

Jerry: Well …… erm at £80. Going once …… going twice ……

Paddy gestures to the crowd for someone to bid ……

Jerry: Sold!!! To the young lady on the front row …… congratulations love

Woman 3 sits back in her chair and sips her drink making eyes at Paddy. Paddy gulps. He turns and leaves the stage.

Jerry: Well ladies, that wraps up our auction for tonight. Thank you for coming and supporting Help a Phoenix Child ……

Brian (interrupts): Woah woah woah. Not so fast Jerry. We have one more vict- er hunk for auction tonight. Give me that microphone ……

Jerry hands over the mic

Brian (continues): Now ladies. Our last ‘hunk’ is your very own host with the most -- Jerry ‘The Saint’ St Clair.

The pensioners erupt in applause.

Jerry’s eyes widen in shock.

Jerry: Eh?? I never agreed to this???

Brian (hand covering the mic): Yes you did.

Jerry: When? When did I say that??

Brian: Ne’er mind when you said it!!! You’re the licensee …… you’re s’posed to do whatever it takes. Besides think of the club!!!

Jerry: But I ……

Brian (interrupts): Yes ladies, here is your chance to spend some quality time with the pensioners favourite. Who will start the bidding for me at £30??

Pension books are raised.

Brian: I can only take one bid at a time.

OAP 1 (Betty) - £35

Brian: Thank you Betty. I have £35. Who will give me £40?

OAP 2 (Lillian): £40

Brian: Any advance on £40.

Moira: £50

Betty: £55

Lillian: £60

Betty: £65

Lillian: £70

Brian (smiles and rubs his hands together): At £70 …… going once …… going twice ……

Betty: £90

Brian: £90!!! Any more bids – now come along ladies – do you want to miss out on an opportunity like this???

Moira: £120!!!

The rest of the Phoenix Hunks are crowded at the side of the stage looking confused.

Brian: Looks like you’re putting the money your Ronnie left you to good use Moira, love …… any advance on £120??

Moira frowns.

Brian: Anybody?? …… Are you sure ladies? (He sighs) Sold to Moira for £120

The Phoenix Hunks stand at the side of the stage open-mouthed as Moira dashes on to the stage and throws her arms around Jerry.

Brian: ‘Ere. You pay your money first, love!!!

Cut back to the Phoenix Hunks looking shell-shocked. Paddy pipes up.

Paddy: £120?!?!?! SHE is on her ARSE!!

SCENE 10

Int: Brian’s office, the show has just finished and people are walking out after a good night, Brian looks tired and a little cheesed off that the show didn’t go as well as he planned, money wise!. There’s a knock at his door.

Brian: Come in!

The door opens to reveal Beverly, Brian’s old flame standing in the doorway, looking very serious

Brian: Oh it’s you, I noticed you came here tonight, still single and lonely are we?

As Brian says this he hides the money from the night under his jumper

Brian: So… What brings you here? Still working for DFS?

Beverly: It’s DSS Brian, and yes I am actually, I need a word with you

Brian: Your too late Beverly, I’ve sold the waterbed, that ship’s set sale long ago!

Beverly: It’s got nothing to do with the waterbed Brian; I’ve come to talk to you about tonight

Brian: What about tonight?

Beverly: Well we have reason to believe that this whole charity evening tonight was a scam, that it wasn’t for disabled children. It was to put more money into your club, and in your wallet

Brian looks Puzzled

Brian: Who’s WE?

Beverly: Me and my colleague Simon

Brian: Is that your lover is it? I’m surprised you can still catch a bloke at your age; I thought your pond was drained long ago

Beverly: Theirs no need for cheek Brian

Brian: Well whatever! I don’t care what you say anyways coming in here with your false accusations! Where’s your proof?

Beverly: Oh! right here!

Beverly pulls out a mini tape player and presses play, we here Max’s voice talking to Judith

Max: Yeah it’s true Judith! Me and Paddy have just spent the last six hours on Google searching for pictures of homeless kids

Judith: Really why’s that?

Max: Potters using it as a plan to make all the wrinkly old biddy’s put some more money in the collection buckets for the charity night tomorrow night, quite clever aint it!

Judith: Fascinating Max! Fascinating (Judith then whispers into the microphone in a male voice!) End Transmission

Beverly stops the tape

Brian: You tricked and wired my doorman with some Ex-Drag queen of mine! Come to think of it (realises), his name were Simon

Beverly raises her eyebrows

Brian: Wait a minute, that weren’t a drag queen, was it, that was a spy! I should have you arrested for this!

Beverly: I’m afraid I’ve beaten you to it Brian

Brian’s office door opens again to find two police officers stood in the doorway with a pair of handcuffs

Brian: You dirty, rotten, bitch! I can’t believe you’d do this to me! I offered you a piece of Toblerone an all! (he then gets desperate) Please Beverly, why don’t we make a fresh start, I can still produce fire between the sheets, Come on love!

Beverly: (quiet) Its too late Brian

Beverly walks out of the office, Brian looks at the police officer

Brian: There’s no need for the cuff’s son, I can’t exactly leg it can I?!!

SCENE 11

Int: Bolton Police station interrogation room. Brian is sat at a table with two police officers sat at the other side.

Officer One: (frustrated) I’m going to ask you one more time Mr Potter, was this a scam you pulled tonight?

Brian: Was it heck, that cows made it up! I’m innocent, Its wrong this is, and I don’t know if you’ve noticed but I’m disabled!

Officer Two: Yes I can see that Mr Potter

Brian: Well did you know one of your boys in blue took pot shots at me last night, I should sue you all! Ruddy police officers! You should all have ASBO’S!

Officer One: I’m sick of this (turns to his colleague), get him out of here

Brian: What do you mean, where you taking me? Not to ‘the chair’ I hope!

The second officer wheels Brian out of the room and down the long police corridor

Brian: Let go of me! You don’t want to get me angry son! I used to be Bruce Lee’s body double! Where you friggin taking me?

The officer stops and nod’s at a sign on the wall then looks at Brian. Brian looks at the sign

Brian: Cells?!!! You’ve got to be kidding! I’m no murderer! Its just like that film The Green Mile!

Officer: I’m afraid you’ll have to step inside Mr Potter

Brian: Step? Are you blind you daft b*stard!

Officer (Angrily) Now listen! , You’ll have to get inside until you calm down and stop cursing at everybody, that canteen assistant didn’t deserve being called a pregnant fish!

Brian: She gave me a funny look!

Officer: Just get in there

The Officer wheels Brian into the cell and closes it, Brian is completely gob smacked!

Officer: I’ll come and check on you in a while, now keep the noise down, he might be sleeping

The Officer points into the darkness behind Brian

Brian: You mean I have to share!, what if I want to take me trousers off, I’ve heard horrible stories about prison!

Officer: (completely loses it) DEAL WITH IT!!!

The Officer walks away; you can hear his footsteps fading away as Brian starts to lightly sob

Brian: I can’t believe this, Me home, Me club!

Behind Brian a large figure approaches him in the shadows; Brian feels his presence and turns around suddenly

Brian: (scared) Don’t come near me! I’m not into all the canal street stuff! Save it for your next inmate! Don’t hurt me...

There’s a slight pause, Until the figure steps towards the only light in the dark cell near Brian, It turns out to be Brian’s worst enemy DEN PERRY!

Den: Hello Brian

Brian is in complete shellshock, he is lost for words! As the episode fades out, we have silent credits.

TO BE CONTINUED...

END OF EPISODE