Okay, this is going to be a really long post. Just warning!

My mother is an alcoholic. She used to keep me up till like two in the morning telling me how I was worthless and stupid. Even when she's not drinking, she's totally crazy. She yells at me constantly. I hate her and oddly I don't really feel anything other than hate towards her. She had a heart attack a while back and after the paramedics left, I just went back to my writing my report. I didn't care. Sadly, my mother lived. She's still negitive and is still emotionally/mentally abusing me. On some occasions, she's even hit me.

Well, my dad decided he had enough and called a lawyer to see what a divorce would look like. He always promised me that he would get a divorce and I was so happy that he was doing it. I imagined that we (my dad and I) would live at my house and have my animals and I would finally be happy. But then my mother went behind our backs and filed for divorce before we could even talk about it!

After talking to the attorney, my dad thought we could win child custody and the house, but it didn't look good with the money. We wouldn't have enough if we had to pay my mother so much money each month. So, my dad was like 'why don't we stop the divorce for six months and if she doesn't change, we'll restart it?' I was pissed! My life has been so screwed up for the past fourteen years! I have never been truly happy!

My dad feels guility I think. He bought me an i-pod and a new backpack. I know he said after six months that we could restart the divorce if we wanted to, so I don't think he will. I think he's too scared of losing what little money we have. I think he's just going to be like 'well, you'll be going to college in three years anyway...' I dreamed about having a clean house. I dreamed about having fun with my dad. I dreamed about this stuff so much that I made it real in my mind and I really thought it was going to happen. But, yet again, I was wrong. None of this stuff will happen. Tomorrow I'll wake up and she'll still be there. She'll be there to hurt me again and again in the cruelest mental games.

So, I don't know why I'm posting. Well, maybe I just want to wallow in self-pity. This is not fair and don't tell me that life isn't fair! Why can't my mother be like all the other mothers? Why can't she just be nice? Why does she have to smoke and drink? I want to tell someone because this is just boiling inside of me, but I can't tell my friends. I can't tell my teachers. Funny how I can't tell people I know, but it's so damn easy to tell some people I don't even know on the internet...

Well, I guess this was a long post. If you've read it all, you've done more for me than anyone else has ever done for me. Thanks.

That was a very emotional and sadly written post. I have read it, every word. I understand completely that what you are going through is hard. I also understand that you are getting abused..I now ask the question have you ever sought a counsellor? Someone to talk to that you trust? Someone who'd keep it confedential? Counsellors are here for you! They are in your school and you don't need to see a teacher to get an appointment. They are also in the community. If not I urge you to see someone, as abuse is not legal. If you get help you'd be surprised how much it can affect your life, they can even place you in custody of your father if you wish of that, but you need to tell them what is going on with your mother. If ever you need to talk send me a personal message and I will give you my e-mail. I'm here for you all the way! It may seem hard, and I will not tell you that life is not fair but I can say it can be difficult to go through if you've got such a huge burden on your shoulders. This is not your battle to fight but you can help it! Be strong and hang in there! Let me know how it goes!

Yeah, but I'm like totally afraid to talk to counsellors. There is one teacher that I really, really trust and I want to tell him soooo badly. But I just can't! It's too hard to tell and that drives me crazy! I really want to tell him, but something stops me. I'm too scared. Yeah, I know that sounds so stupid, but maybe what I'm more afraid of is how people will look at me. I'm an all A student and maybe instead of being afraid of my mother, maybe I'm just afraid to look...weak?

I don't know. It's just easier to tell someone that I don't know. Once again, thanks a million for listening...or reading...!!!!

I know how that feels! I was just like you. I'm a really good student. I had something going in my life that..I really wanted to talk about but couldn't. Something was stopping me. Thing was, I overcame that. It takes a lot of guts but, when you can just..pull that teacher aside, and if they are a good teacher they will assist you in any way they can. They are not there to judge you! Not at all! If they were then why are they teachers? Be strong! Tell that teacher what is going on, and when you have things will slowly get easier. I found by telling someone it helped ease that boiling point, and they were there to help and they gave you more references for people to talk to! They are there for you! Nothing is stupid and everything is important to them. I know you're scared but trust me, you'll make it easier on yourself if you get this out into the open where it can be confedential between you and someone.

Think of it..kind of like this..it's talking to someone you really don't even know on the internet..except now it's face to face. There's really no difference. On this site we try and help you and not judge you. And hey you're getting it out there and into the open. That's your first step! You're doing great already. Good job. Now..lets see if we can take it up a step. Just try, if you don't like the way things are going you can put a stop to it. You're in control.

So it's ok! Give it a go! Let me know how you do!

I so don't feel in control...but I'll try talking. Hey, I told my best friend what was happening and it made me feel a lot better! But I still feel the need to tell someone else...

Maybe given time I can tell my teacher... But for the moment, I feel a bit better telling you and you seem to understand. That means a lot to me!

Nice to see that you are talking to people! Wonderful step! No worries, give it time and you will be able to talk to someone more in power to do something. That takes courage and inside I know you have it! Great job so far! Keep posting if you need any help!