It was the Sunday before Christmas and the holiday rush was on. She grabbed her keys and headed for the door, pausing to give the decorations on the seven-foot tree one last scrutiny. Everything was decorated - the tree gilded in gold and adorned with ribbons and bows, the doorways swathed in fresh pine and magnolia boughs, the front porch haloed in white lights. The Christmas menu was planned - a feast large enough to feed three families would soon be spread. Giving her head a pert satisfied nod, she closed and locked the door and headed out into the blustery chill. As she drove through the busy streets of Denver, overflowing with shoppers and merrymakers, she pondered the events of her life. Christmas used to be her favorite holiday, and even before the "Christmas rush" began, she felt the tingle of the Christmas spirit and felt that anything was possible. That was back when she still believed in miracles; in divine healing from above...back before heartbreak and life shattering sadness stole her joy. Now, she spent the "Christmas rush" trying to sidestep pity filled eyes and questions of how she was coping.
…Two years ago, her parents were killed during a robbery. She would never forget the night the officer visited to give her the most devastating news she had ever received. Her beloved Mom and Dad gunned down for fifty dollars. She was in shock and broken emotionally, physically, and spiritually. Her husband held her as she gave in to the heart wrenching sobs; she had cried for hours. Five months later, a soldier in full military dress visited her and informed her that her husband would not be coming home to her – he had been killed in militant attacks in Afghanistan. The lieutenant apologized and caught her as her knees buckled. A few nights later, she had to call 911 with severe abdominal pain. After being admitted into the hospital, she was told she had lost her baby – their baby – the only thing she had left of her husband. She prayed for numbness from the heartbreak, but the pain was so intense all she wanted to do was go to sleep and never wake up. She begged God to let her die – she had nothing left to live for. Her parents, husband, and only child – all gone within six months – it was just too much to take…
She gave her head a swift shake and wiped the tears from her cheeks and chin. No use crying over things you cannot change. For some reason, it seemed God enjoyed seeing her heartbreak. Why was He angry with her? She had always lived a moral life, had a charitable heart, and tried her best to befriend others – what more could He want? Well, from now on, she would live out her miserable existence on her terms. Yet, if she would truly live life on her terms, her Mom and Dad would be on a 7 – day Jamaican cruise, not buried in the family plot two miles away. Her husband would be at home with her, helping her wrap presents and sneaking a kiss under the mistletoe and their precious baby girl would soon have her first birthday. No matter how hard she wished it to be true, she simply could not live life on her own terms; she could not change the past and could not erase the ever-growing emptiness that filled her heart, soul, and home.
Now she was forced to put on a happy face and pretend that everything was fine. She had to pretend she was still the high – spirited, fun – loving girl who believed in miracles, in the wonder of the Christmas spirit. She still kept in touch with her brothers and she loved them dearly, but each time she saw them, she was reminded of her parents and the fact they were no longer with them. There was an empty chair at the table where her husband used to be. Down the hall, lay an unfinished nursery where her baby girl should have been. Enough of this pity party – you have to go to church and lead the children in Christmas carols. How was she ever going to get through “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” without falling apart?
She returned home around nine that evening and turned on the Christmas lights. Truth be told, she really did not feel like seeing their merry colors – but she knew the neighbors would shake their heads in pity if she were the only one in the subdivision who had no decorations. She sat down in front of the tree and gazed into the midst of colored baubles and ribbon. In anguish, she railed at God. Why did you do this to me? You took my family from me and You still expect me to feel the miracle of Christmas? I have no one to celebrate with and nothing to celebrate. I’m so tired of pretending that I don’t feel the hurt and pain, so tired of smiling and assuring everyone that I am okay. I just don’t want to pretend anymore. She sat there – anger, hurt and resentment for God burning in her soul – and then she heard His voice.
You have nothing to celebrate? I am not dead and I neither slumber nor sleep. Do you think I can’t feel your pain? Do you think I don’t see your tears and feel your heartbreak? My child, the very reason we have Christmas is to celebrate My love for you. Before the world was formed, I knew you and loved you. Before you ever lived, I had a plan for you. Your parents and husband accepted me years ago and they now rest in My embrace. Your precious baby girl is now picking flowers in My rose garden. You believe you will never see them again – but you can, if you accept Me and the gift of salvation I bought for you with the blood of My only Son so many years ago. I never promised life on earth would be easy, but I did promise to walk beside you and grant you grace and peace for the valleys and trials. Take My hand and allow Me to show you the paths of righteousness. You have heard of Me since you were a little girl, and yet, you cannot believe. I would die a thousand deaths just to have you return My love. Won’t you give Me a chance?
As God’s words rolled through her heart and tumbled into her soul, she pondered over her life. How long had she been ignoring God and the gift of salvation Jesus purchased for her? How long had she blamed all her problems on God instead of running to Him and begging Him to help her? Tears rolled down her cheeks and dropped unheeded onto the rug. She knew what she must do – and so, she bowed her head and began to pray – begging God’s forgiveness for her blatant disregard for Him and His Son. She poured out her heartache, frustration and loneliness to the only One she knew could truly understand and then she gave Him control over her life and heart. She promised to hold His hand through all things and never doubt Him to bring her through the hard times. When she finished praying, she wiped her face and eyes and smiled a genuine smile for the first time in two years. She knew the road ahead would be rough and rocky without her parents and husband by her side and without her precious baby to hold. Yet, she knew that as long as she held God’s hand, He would lead her through those difficult times, carrying her when she had no strength to stand. A smile still on her face, she prepared for bed, humming “O, Come All Ye Faithful.”
© 2007 Becky Miles